Honey I Love You But I Just Can't Smile
by sciencegeeky
Summary: Meulin Leijon's beloved mother passed away not even a year ago. Now she's raising her younger sister alone, trying to balance her friends, her family, her work, and most important-her beloved Kurloz. It's going to be difficult, but she can do it. Right?
1. Sweetest

2 April 1638

I'm going to run out of space here soon. I guess that's bound to happen! It happened to my mama, anyways, and I keep a journal because she did too.

Kurloz came over today and I made him supper. He says he loves my cooking. He's just the sweetest! And so handsome. I know I'm an orphan and I don't have any sort of dowry, but he says he doesn't care. He says he likes me, not my family or my money. It makes me blush, I'm sure, but he says that's adorable, too.

I'm glad I can talk to him. I can't really tell Nepeta how I feel about Mama and how it still hurts-I'm her older sister! I have to be there for her! But my friends, and Kurloz especially, I can talk to. He's so kind about it.

Porrim keeps telling me to be careful, but by her own admission she doesn't trust any man further than she can throw him. So I'll take that with a grain of salt.

4 April 1638

Kitty's been in love with Karkat for a while now, and…I know he doesn't love her, but I wish he wasn't so damned rude about it. She doesn't really understand subtext, and he's made to everyone, but especially to her.

I don't like him much, him or his brother. I can't imagine my mama ever being in love with someone like them. Kankri is pretentious and won't stop talking and whenever I try to explain to him that us women have some problems, too, he just talks right over me. Karkat is rude and loud and he won't let on that he cares, ever. As far as I'm concerned, they both need to grow up.

But they'd say I do, with my silly romantic ideas of love, so I don't know. I just think everyone should be happy with someone else! And couples are so darn cute! I don't understand how anyone doesn't love romance. It's just so sweet!

Well, I can't matchmake anyone right now-I have my own love life to deal with. Time to go meet Kurloz again!

7 April 1638

I want my mama to meet Kurloz. I know it's silly, but I want her to approve of him. She knew a lot about love! She loved so many people after all-her husband, and her best friend and her real mother and her first child and my sister and me, and she loved Nepeta and me so much. She'd love Kurloz, too.

He's a good listener. And he talks to me, too, about how he's worried about his father's approval and how his father is always telling him who and what he's supposed to be but he doesn't want to be that. His father is some powerful duke, someone my mama knew when she was younger, but Kurloz is better than that. My mama wasn't like her mother, so I told Kurloz that, and he looked so relieved. People don't have to be like their parents, and I hope Kurloz knows that.

9 April 1638

Horuss and I had lunch today. I still don't feel old enough to live on my own, so he comes by a lot to spend time together. His brother and my sister are very close, so I suppose he feels responsible to me. He's awfully chatty, but we don't actually talk about much-just little things, books or friends or the market. Sometimes it feels odd to be close to him, because he is much higher class than me and also a man, but my mama was friends with his father, so I'm sure it's fine.

12 April 1638

I kissed him today! It was a long time coming but today I plucked up some courage and drank a glass of wine and asked him if he wanted to kiss me. He said yes so I kissed him! His lips felt very nice on mine and it wasn't long but it felt lovely. I've been walking on air since. He's so sweet and kind…I think I love him.

But I want to be sure. I'm a bit young to be getting married, anyways-I'm only seventeen! I want to wait until I'm nineteen or twenty, probably, so I can be sure. And I don't think I want to have a baby, too, before I'm twenty. My mama just said she couldn't have children, so she wouldn't have had to know, and anyways I do want children.

I'm sure Kurloz will understand. He's so good about these things. That's why I like him!

15 April 1638

I wish Horuss and Kurloz got on better. Horuss's brother is important to my sister, so he's going to be in my life for a long time. And I love Kurloz, so I hope he's in my life for a long time.

Maybe they just don't understand each other. If I can get them to spend time together in a big group, maybe they'll talk more and get used to each other and eventually they can be friends. I'm not willing to lose either of them, so they best learn to get along!

I'll ask Horuss about it, even though we don't normally talk that way. Maybe he can explain why he doesn't like Kurloz. He's a good friend-he'll be able to tell me something.

17 April 1638

Well, Horuss told me today over tea that he thought Kurloz didn't like him very much! So that's easy. I told him Kurloz certainly has no problem with him-he just takes time to warm up to people. So that's that solved! My love and Horuss are going to be friends, and it's all going to work out. Maybe it'll even be like my mama's family, with all three of us someday being best friends!

I'm so happy today. I thought perhaps they had some fundamental disagreement about politics or some deep-down personality clash. And it just turns out it's just a misunderstanding! This is the sort of thing my mama always told me was important-good communication-is going to fix this problem, too.

I just need to worry now about Nepeta and Karkat. I know she likes him, and I know he does not like her. I just don't know how to fix it. I could try to tell Kitty that Karkat doesn't like her, but I'm not sure she'd take it to heart or even listen to me. On the other hand, they're only thirteen. She has plenty of time to grow out of it.

Or, I hope so, anyways.

19 April 1638

Kurloz is so sweet. We were kissing today, and he pulled away from me and rested his forehead against mine so our noses were just barely touching and said, softly, "You are so wonderful."

"So are you."

"Meulin, you are so gorgeous you drive men to sin."

"You're handsomer than the prince himself."

"I don't think handsomer is a word," he teased.

"I don't care."

He kissed me again and I felt like I could fly. For all I know, I can.

Nepeta thinks I'm mad, but she won't stop obsessing over Karkat, so she's one to talk. I told her no kissing until she's sixteen, and I know my mama never told me anything like that but I worry about her. I have to raise her now and I'm too young.

I'm terrified. Have I mentioned that? I need to raise my little sister like my mama raised me, and I'm not old enough, and I don't know how. She doesn't have anyone else besides me. That's another reason I can't get married for a while-I can't get married and go live with my husband until my sister is at least seventeen or eighteen, so until I'm twenty-one or twenty-two. That's a little old for me, but if it's Kurloz, not so old for him. I'm sure he won't mind. He's so kind about me being an orphan and all.

I should talk to him about that, though. He knows Kitty means more to me than anything. Like I know how his brother means everything to him. If we're going to be in each other's lives, we have to be able to get along with the important people in them.

22 April 1638

I sat down with Kurloz today and we talked about some things. I told him about how I can't possibly get married until Nepeta's old enough, because she's my sister and I have to raise her, and he told me he'd wait a thousand years to marry me. I remember when we first met and he was so shy all the time, all closed in on himself because of his father. Now we can sit down with some tea and just talk about our future and our feelings, and it's okay.

It's good. My mama talked a lot about her relationship with her husband, and this seems pretty close-we love each other, talk a lot about how we feel and what we want, and can make compromises (like agreeing to wait until Nepeta's old enough to have our family together).

We also talked about his father today. He gets so stressed out about how much his father wants from him, to be the next duke and marry a rich lady and have five sons. He just wants to go to university, marry me, and have a son and a daughter. He wants to be an intellectual, and if he must be a duke, he wants to be a good and just one. I think that's so cute! He promised he'd help me, too, because he knows how hard it is for women. He's a good man-nothing like his father.

Like my mama, I found a good man. I just wish they weren't so rare.

24 April 1638

I love spending time in the village with my friends. I think when Kurloz and I are married, I'll come into town every day to spend time with them. Latula's fun and full of energy, Porrim's smart as a whip, Aranea can spin stories all day, Mituna's clever and witty, Damara's sweet as pie and funny too, Rufioh's friendly and bold, Kankri's eloquent and smart, and Horuss is amicable and quite brilliant. Of course, Latula and Mituna can both be really reckless, Rufioh is a relentless flirt, Aranea will blather on even if you try to look bored, Damara can be very cruel if provoked, Porrim will argue with Kankri all day if you let her, Kankri of course won't shut up and doesn't actually know what he's talking about, and Horuss…can be very dense, on a good day. But we're all human! I know I'm not perfect.

It's the best, of course, when Kurloz visits our village with Cronus and Meenah. I don't like Meenah very much-she can be awfully mean when she puts her mind to it-but Kurloz I like very much, and Cronus is mostly harmless, I think.

It also gives me a chance to watch how people interact so I can figure out who's best for each other. I know I'm very good at that. It's pretty obvious to me that Damara and Rufioh are a good match for each other, though I'm not sure I'll interfere. Mituna and Latula are obviously good for each other, and their personalities mesh well. I think Aranea and Meenah would be good together, although I don't know if either of them love women that way. I think, perhaps, that Rufioh might be good with Horuss, but I don't know if they love men, and I'm not as sure about them anyways. Much as I hate to say it, Horuss isn't always the best at people.

I'm glad Kitty likes the village, too, because I don't like leaving her at home all day. She has her friends, my friends' siblings mostly, and she'll stay out of my hair.

I wish my mama was still alive. I just want to be able to spend time with my friends without worrying so much.

27 April 1638

I had to go hunting today, again. I should teach Kitty how to shoot soon. Our mama taught me when I was thirteen, almost fourteen, but she didn't take me hunting until I was sixteen. I guess now it's my job to teach her how to hunt.

I'm not old enough to be raising her. Not old enough by half.

Maybe it'll be easier to do this once I'm married and have a baby of my own. Then at least I'll be old enough.

29 April 1638

Kurloz was by again today. It's so nice to kiss him. It makes me feel like I could fly! He's so sweet and romantic, too, always bringing by these cute trinkets he found in the marketplace in the city he knew I'd like.

I know that someday I'll want more than just kissing him, but there's plenty of time for that later. Right now…it's nice to just kiss him, have lunch with him, and be together. It's nice.

In the books, when people are happy, it's usually a sign that they actually aren't and need something else. But I think I'm really, properly happy. I mean, raising Kitty is terrifying and I have way more responsibilities than most of my friends, who have parents, but I love Nepeta more than I can say and Kurloz too, and my friends are wonderful, and I have a home.

I'll never stop missing my mama. But I know she wanted this for me, and for Kitty, because she loved us.

We'll be alright.


	2. Sister, Sister

2 May 1638

Kurloz is so sweet! He brought me flowers today, and they were gorgeous. Sometimes I feel bad that I can't offer him half the lovely things he gives me, but he swears up and down it's fine. I just don't have the money for it, raising Kitty and all.

Well, that's alright, I suppose. And if we do marry, we'll share money and I can buy him something nice for once.

6 May 1638

Kitty brought Equius for lunch again today. I know she doesn't like the village, but it's expensive to hunt and cook for an extra person all the time. And I have friends too! Sometimes I just want to spend time with my friends, without worrying about if my sister's alright. And I can't do that if I have to feed two fourteen-year-olds!

Kitty's going to be really mad, but I really need to have some time to not be taking care of her.

9 May 1638

It didn't go over so well with my sister.

"Nepeta, you can't have Equius over for lunch so often."

"Why not? He's my best friend, and Kurloz is over all the time!"

"We can't afford it."

"We don't buy food. We just hunt!"

"I hunt, Nepeta! I hunt! You just hang out with your friends in the village all day! I have to take care of you and all the time I spend hunting or gardening is time I could spend doing midwife work or selling medicines, or taking a damn break for once!"

"You don't like me!" she said. She doesn't shout when she's upset with me, but her voice goes all flat and quiet and she just sounds…well, to anyone else she sounds uninvested, but to me she sounds so sad.

"I love you, Kitty, but you're driving me mad! Can't you leave me alone for a minute?"

"Fine," she said. "I'll go away, then. Fine."

She stalked off, and I feel bad about it, but at least she'll be out of my hair for a little while.

13 May 1638

Nepeta hasn't talked to me since we fought, and it's my fault. I feel awful. It's not her fault about Mama and it's not fair to blame her for how I have to take care of her. I need to apologize to her, and just…I don't know. Talk to someone else about it, I suppose.

I should talk to Kurloz. He's noticed I've been upset lately, but I haven't told him. I just should. I think he'd understand.

14 May 1638

Our mama died one year ago today. I miss her so much. I can't…I can't write about it. I just can't.

16 May 1638

I apologized to Nepeta today. "Hey. Um. Nepeta. I'm really sorry. None of this is your fault. I've just been…worried a lot, lately. So…sorry."

"It's okay," she said. "I don't have to bring Equius for lunch so often."

"I appreciate it, Kitty," I said.

She smiled a little and squeezed my hand. I sometimes wish she liked hugging, because I always hugged Mama and I hug my friends, but it's not her fault and I won't bother her about it.

We have to talk about these things. That's what Mama always said, and I think she's right. I can talk to Kurloz about these things, about Nepeta and I can talk about what we can and can't afford.

17 May 1638

I talked to Kurloz today about things. He's been busy the last couple of days with business in the palace. His father is a duke, and he's going to be the next duke, so there's all sorts of complicated things he's to deal with, not the least of which is convincing his father that he should be allowed to marry me. He says he's warming his father up to the idea slowly, not mentioning me until his father is alright with him marrying a commoner ("Albeit a very pretty one," he said).

Anyways, I told him about how I'm worried about raising Nepeta, and he took my hands and said, "You're doing wonderfully."

"And why do you say that?"

"Well, partly because I know you'll do wonderfully at anything you set your mind to. And partly because I've seen your sister around and she seems great. I mean, she's different, we all know that. But you're doing great, and she'll do great."

"Thanks, Kurloz. It's such a relief to talk about this."

"I'm here for you," he said tenderly. He squeezed my hands and added, "You're great."

"Thanks," I said again. "What about you? Is it stressful in the palace?"

He shrugged. "A little. My father…he can be awfully serious. And he's…I…I'm not sure I should tell you this." He twisted up his face like he does when he's nervous, all tight and pinched.

"Kurloz, it's alright. I won't hold it against you."

"He talks about your mother, sometimes. I think. He calls her by that old name-Disciple. He says they were friends when they were younger. He said they…they were close. That they talked some after her husband-Sufferer-died. I-I don't know what he's trying to imply."

I bit my tongue. "My mother didn't love anyone else after him. If that's what your father is saying, he's wrong."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you," he said. "It doesn't matter. I'm sure he's making it all up. I think he's hung up on everything that happened back then."

"I still don't understand all of it," I said, staring into my teacup. "Mama never told me much. I know they tried to fight your father and all that, and some of why…the unfair taxes and all. But she didn't tell me much about what happened."

"Me neither," he said. "I-I'm sorry…"

"It's not your fault," I said, like always. "And you're-we're going to change things, when it's our turn. Look, I'm sure your father believes what he's saying. But I know Mama didn't love anyone after her husband."

He nodded. "I believe you."

It felt good to talk to him about it. I'm glad we can talk to each other, because otherwise I'd lose my mind. And it's a relief to get all that about my sister and my mother off my chest. I'm glad he can talk to me about the palace-life there must be so stressful! I can hardly imagine.

21 May 1638

Horuss came over today with Equius. He's kind, and although I don't talk like I do with Kurloz, he's a comfort to have around. He's a little older than me, too, so he checks in on us sometimes. With Mama gone and all, he knows I'm worried all the time.

He's a good friend. I trust him. Most of my friends are women, so it's nice to have a couple who are men.

25 May 1638

Speaking of my friends, Latula and Porrim and Damara were over for tea today. Latula can be a little wild sometimes, and Porrim can be a bit biting, and Damara has a bit of a tendency to overreact, but I love them. It's wonderful to sit with them when I have a free moment and eat and drink tea and chat. I gossiped about Kurloz, and Latula about Mituna, and Damara about Rufioh. I think Rufioh might like Horuss, but he definitely likes Damara, so it's hard to tell. Porrim rolled her eyes at us and said men were never worth it, but I like Kurloz, and we can talk with each other. It's good.

I like Porrim, but she can be quite pessimistic!

30 May 1638

A few of us spent time together in the village today, and it was a relief to have some time away from home. I love my home, but it's nice to get outside sometimes. I'm still quite young; I think I ought to be allowed to enjoy myself a little bit more. I don't love going to the pub and drinking myself silly like some of my friends, but it's nice to just spend time together the village, and I'll drink some. I'm not my mother!

I don't know why she never drank. I suppose some people are just like that.

4 June 1638

I'm glad it's summer. The garden is growing again, and while it'll never be as lovely as when it was Mama's, it looks alright, I think. I don't think I'll ever make the garden as lovely as when my mother maintained it, but I can certainly try.

I'm not really the midwife like she was, either, but I'm trying at that, too. It'll be better when Nepeta can hunt. Then I can dedicate more time to being the midwife and the garden, too. I really ought to teach her to shoot; she's old enough for it.

8 June 1638

I finally found a few hours today to teach Nepeta to shoot with the big bow. I set up the target in the back and gave her the bow and arrows our mother used to teach me, and showed her with our other one how to aim and fire. She's already awfully good! I told her to practice every day, and soon she could go hunting.

I'll teach her to hunt when she's sixteen, which was when Mama taught me to hunt. She turns fifteen this year, so I think it'll be sooner rather than later! Well, that's good. We've got to work together to survive, and while she's only a child now, she's going to be an adult soon like I am.

13 June 1638

Nepeta is very, very good at shooting. I mean, I'd beat her in any competition, but she's amazing for a beginner. I'm astounded. I told her how good she is and she just about glowed with pride. She should be allowed to be that happy.

She brings Karkat over sometimes with her other friends and I know she likes him-she thinks he's handsome as can be-but his brother is so frustrating! He flat-out told me women have their place and we should stick to it, and I nearly slapped him! He's not my least favorite person ever, but he's as long-winded as Aranea (although not nearly as interesting) while being as irritating to talk to as Cronus (though, thankfully, not half as flirtatious).

Well, I don't have to see his brother much. Porrim likes him, but I won't see him if I don't want to.

15 June 1638

Kurloz came by for lunch again today. He kissed my cheek and told me I looked lovely and I blushed like mad and told him he was sweet. He is! He's sweet like sugar, but not nearly as expensive. Sometimes just looking at him I feel so warm inside, it's wonderful.

We talked for a while about not much, family and friends and the village and how life is, and then…then he kissed me, and he kept kissing me for a long time, and so I kissed him, and it was just wonderful. I'm not sure how to describe it! It felt hot somewhere in my stomach, and I felt the strangest shiver up the back of my neck when he ran his hand through my hair to rest it there.

I think I'm really in love with him. It's such a wonderful feeling to be with him. I feel safe with him, and comfortable. Just sitting with him at the table and drinking tea is enough to make me feel more relaxed, and considering how worried I always am that's nice.

He says he feels comfortable with me, so maybe he loves me back. I hope so! It's scary to say it, but I hope we can. Maybe I'll give it a little more time. I want to be sure!

19 June 1638

Horuss came by again today, and he seemed worried.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

"I suppose not," he said.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I…" He looked left and right, and spotted Equius and Nepeta in the library, absorbed in a book on mathematics. "Yes."

"Have a seat," I said. "I won't tell anyone."

He frowned and looked down. "My father…he is ill."

"Oh no," I said. "Horuss, I'm so sorry."

"I think he will recover," he said. "He has been ill before. Every time it happens, it frightens Equius."

I nodded. "It's hard."

"I do not want him to grow up afraid," Horuss said. "He is young; he ought to be enjoying himself, before these responsibilities of ours set in."

I nodded again. "I feel the same way about Nepeta."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sure you are much more worried."

I shrugged. "Well, we are orphans now. But me being 'more' worried-which doesn't really mean much, because I don't think you can measure feelings-doesn't mean you can't be worried, or tell me how you feel."

"Thank you," he said softly.

"Of course," I said. "Hey. What are friends for?"

He smiled, a little weakly, and said, "The tea is delicious."

"Oh, thank you."

And we talked about nothing until it was time for Equius to leave.

22 June 1638

I think my friends have heard a million times how proud I am of my sister, but I am! She's already hitting the target almost every time, and she sews better than I do, and she's already doing mathematics I couldn't do until I was seventeen! Anyways, my friends are proud of their siblings. Why shouldn't I brag about how talented Kitty is?

She sells some of the things she sews in the market, and today she brought home a few pence. We keep our money in our mother's old savings jar, this lovely crystal thing I have no idea how she afforded. We never had much money when we were younger, and everything nice we have in the house is very old.

27 June 1638

I think my sister thinks I've read Mama's journals. I found them, but I haven't read them. I don't think it would be right. They're private! I don't want anyone to ever read my journals. And anyways…I think there are things I don't want to know. It's probably for the better that I don't understand everything that happened between my mother and my friend's parents.

It's very tempting, though.


	3. Not Yet

1 July 1638

We went to Mama's grave today. We usually do once every few weeks, but today it just seemed sadder. It's nice that forget-me-nots grow there, but the clearing just feels…sad. It's not lonely, but it's sad. I mean…it's a graveyard. Of course it's sad. I don't know. I'm sure I'll be buried in the churchyard, because I was baptized and I'm not going to marry an illegitimate child, but this is where my mother's old family lies.

We put flowers on her grave and talked to her a little. I know she can't hear, but it's comforting to talk to her like she's still there. Nepeta misses her as much as I do, and she cries a little every time. This time, I took her hand and we walked back home like that. One of these days we'll feel better, and going to see Mama's grave won't be so sharp. Or so I hope.

4 July 1638

I invited some of my friends over today, but Porrim said we should come into the village. When I asked her why, she said it was because it was Kankri's birthday. I went, but he's exactly as annoying as ever. I know Porrim likes him, but I have no idea how; he thinks women should know their place, and she thinks men should step down from government entirely for a while.

Speaking of people I can't stand, Cronus was there, too. He sulked for a while, complaining about how his father wouldn't let him pursue his musical dreams (he's going to be a damned duke, why the hell would he want to play the lute in some old town square), flirted a bit with everyone, and then left in a huff. Meenah went after him, even though she doesn't like him either, and Kurloz touched my shoulder and said, "I'd better calm him down."

"You're the best," I said.

He grinned and kissed my cheek, then left.

Latula and Damara teased me about it later, so I teased Latula about Mituna, since the two of them have been quite the lovebirds lately. And then I told Damara I'd seen Rufioh kissing her hand, and she turned so bright red I was a little worried.

"Sorry."

"It's alright," she said. "He's just so handsome, and kind, and confident…"

"He likes you," I said. I mean, it's obvious. I don't know why people are so strange about this; I think it's pretty obvious who people love. Porrim loves to talk about it with me; sometimes she just comes by while I'm working, making medicines and such, and has tea and we just talk about our friends, who loves who and all that. Sometimes Porrim talks about the latest person she's…she's slept with.

Porrim says she very much enjoys sleeping with people. She says it feels spectacular. I wouldn't know! I've kissed Kurloz, but we're not married yet and I want to be married first. I should talk to him about it, probably. But not yet! It's much too early for that.

Well, anyways, it was an alright day. I can only go into the village sometimes, so I'm glad my friends are willing to walk to my house to see me. As long as I'm not hunting or treating someone, they're always welcome.

9 July 1638

Kurloz came for lunch today, and while I was cleaning the dishes, he said, "Meulin?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think someone who's…who's seeing someone else can be friends with someone who likes them?"

"Um…" I puzzled through the question, then said, "I think…maybe. Do you mean if I could be friends with someone who liked me the way you do?"

"Yes," he said.

"I suppose if the other person was courteous of the relationship."

"I'm just not sure," he said.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well…you know Eliza, my old friend?"

Eliza's his old friend from when we were little, before we all knew each other. She's the daughter of some other noble couple. "I do."

"I think she likes me. I just don't know if I can be friends with her, now. With you."

"I wouldn't mind," I said, which is true. "She's your old friend. Don't worry."

"Alright," he said. "Thank you. That's a relief."

"Of course," I said. I think he worries a lot about hurting me on accident, because of how his father hurt my mother. But I'm fine! I'm glad I can calm him down when he gets like that. He needs to worry less!

12 July 1638

Of all things to disagree on, I'm glad it's religion between Kurloz and me. He believes much more than I do, and in different things. But he's kind about what I believe, and never tries to convert me, and I never try to convert him. It's good!

I guess I believe in what my mother believed in. She believed people were good, and the world was good, and sometimes it didn't seem like it and sometimes people were cruel or terrible, but that didn't mean that the world was cruel. I suppose I believe in God, and in heaven. I believe all people are equal and ought to be treated the same.

He's so cute when he talks about the things he's passionate about. His eyes sparkle, and his voice gets much more confident and strong, and he smiles like nothing could go wrong. He's just so sweet! I can't believe anyone doesn't believe in love like this. When he smiles at me, it feels like I could fly. I love him.

16 July 1638

I'm so proud of Kitty. Today she and I went to the village to sell some of what we'd sewn or grown (we grow more herbs than we use), and together we made quite a few pence, and afterwards she told me she's going to be a seamstress-she's going to sew the most beautiful, elaborate dresses ever and sell them for a lot of money. She's good at sewing-I think she could!

I'm going to keep up my midwife work when I'm married. I want to be married, but I don't want to give up my work, and I'm never going to give up how close Kitty and I are.

19 July 1638

I know when Kurloz and I were first together I didn't spend a lot of time with Kitty, so I've been trying very hard to be good about spending time with her, and with my other friends. I'm glad my mother told her about getting a woman's body and sleeping with men before she passed, though, because it means I don't have to. I don't know how I'll do that with my own children.

I've had my bleeding for a year or two now. Kitty'll get hers soon enough, because she mentioned her chest growing. Mine's stopped, thank goodness, and I think they're a nice size. I like my body well enough; it's strong, and capable, and quite attractive if I do say so myself. I hope my sister likes hers as much!

22 July 1638

Horuss was over today for tea. He said his father's doing better, which is good. Apparently his father's health has been weak since last year. Actually, I remember the first time his father got sick; it was right around when my mother passed, and I remember because there were a few months when Equius was never over because Kitty was hurting so badly and his own father was ill.

Anyway, we chatted and I lent him a book to read from Mama's library. His manner can be a bit stiff sometimes, but he's kind at heart.

27 July 1638

Kitty said today that she was having trouble telling Karkat how she feels, and it's not helping that Equius disapproves completely.

"Well, Kitty, no one has to approve except you. And me!" I teased.

"I just don't know what to say," she said. "I don't know how to say these things."

"That's not just you," I said. Sometimes she frets because she has trouble saying things to people in ways they understand. It's hard for her, and that's certainly no one's fault. "These things are hard."

"How'd you do it with Kurloz?"

"Well, it was mostly little things," I said. "He did sweet things for me, and I said kind things to him, and before long…I told him I thought he was the sweetest, handsomest man I'd ever met and he smiled cute as can be, and he said he thought I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, and now we're…together."

She frowned. "But he's quiet. Karkat…he's so loud." I could tell she was nervous; she's normally much more talkative.

"He is," I agreed. "If you can find a time when it's just you two, that would probably be best."

She shifted in her seat and swirled her teacup around. "I don't know how Mama did it with her husband."

"They loved each other," I said. "Maybe they didn't have to."

"Don't you know?" she asked. "Didn't Mama write about it?"

"Kitty, I haven't read her journals," I said.

"Yes you have!"

"No I haven't."

"Yes you have! You won't let me."

"Because they were private! And I think there are things we maybe shouldn't know about. Things she didn't tell us for a reason."

"I want to know! Don't you? It's like finding a historical artifact!" We don't play out those stories we made up together as children, but she references them more than I do.

"I do," I admitted.

"Please? Just a little?" she asked.

"Jeez, Kitty, you're a bad influence!" I said. "I'll think about it."

"If I find them I'll read them!" she said.

"Well, you won't find them," I said. "I hid them very well!" That's not true. But Nepeta doesn't like to go into Mama's old room.

"Please, Meulin? Please?" She made her big kitty-cat eyes at me, and I could hardly resist.

"I know she's gone, but we still ought to respect her privacy," I said. "I don't read your journal, and you don't read mine."

"But she kept us safer than we need to be," she said.

"She had her reasons."

"They might have been bad reasons. We're old enough now-we should know what happened. Especially since you're going to marry Kurloz!"

"Not yet I'm not!" I exclaimed, blushing terribly.

"Well, you will," she said matter-of-factly. "You know it, too." She's right, really. We're both very good at telling other people's relationships.

"Alright, maybe," I conceded.

"I think Mama would like him."

"Really?" I asked.

She nodded. "Meulin…I miss her."

"Me too, Kitty. I think…from what she said about her old family…we're always going to miss her. We just get used to it."

Nepeta frowned and looked down. "Linny…" She crossed her arms tighter over her chest like she does and pinched her lips together. "I don't want to cry anymore."

"I'm sorry, Kitty," I said. "Me neither."

We didn't talk anymore, but I held her hand for a long time while we both cried quietly, missing our mama. I miss her so, so much. She loved us and took care of us and she was so kind and good and she was the best midwife. I just…love her.

1 August 1638

Kitty's birthday is soon. I'm not sure what I'll get her, because we don't have much money, but I want to do something since neither of us wanted to celebrate our birthdays last year. Maybe I'll get her a book of patterns? Or cook her something nice? Sometimes we have to eat celery, which she hates, so definitely none of that.

This is hard. I have no idea how my mother did it.

5 August 1638

Today was Nepeta's birthday! I gave her a book of patterns and scraped up a few pence for some puff pastries, and then made some of that with fruit from the garden (I don't pick berries from the woods anymore since I ate some yew berries last July and vomited terribly). Kitty had her friends over and she had fun. She loved her gift, too, thank goodness.

She's fifteen now. She's going to be old enough to be on her own soon. I'm already old enough to be on my own-I'll be nineteen in ten days-but she needs to be old enough before I marry and leave. It's not that I'm overeager to leave-I love her to death, and I never want to not be so close with her-but I do want to marry and have my own family.

We'll write, if nothing else. And have tea once a week or more, and see each other in the village. I'll see my other friends, too! I'm not going to get married and then leave all my friends behind like some people do. I love my friends and my sister too much!

8 August 1638

Latula told us today she and Mituna are going to be married in November. Well, we are eighteen! It's high time most of us settled down. I'm excited to go to their wedding! I'm sure it will be lovely. Mituna has steady work on a farm, and Latula does laundry, so they're well-established enough. Damara has been thinking of talking to Rufioh, because they're both nineteen now, but he hasn't said anything yet. Of course I need to talk to Kurloz about how I can't marry until Kitty is eighteen. Porrim won't be getting married as near as I can tell. Kankri's made some vow to never be in a relationship or have children. Meenah's been betrothed to Cronus since they were born, although it'll be mostly to produce an heir rather than because they love each other, which I know is normal for most people but still makes me a little sad.

That leave Hourss and Aranea. I cannot imagine a worse match! Aranea would chatter on about things Horuss doesn't understand or care much about, and he'd be too polite to tell her to stop, and then he wouldn't respond, and she'd feel hurt because as far as she could tell he'd be ignoring her, and if he tried to talk some he'd surely confuse her with his technical talk and odd obsessions. And having children together! It would never happen.

Well, that's assuming we stay within my group. I'm sure there are other suitable young ladies and gentlemen for Aranea and Horuss, and I suspect Aranea might be enjoying Meenah's company an awful lot more than she lets on. (Cronus surely doesn't care.)

It will work out. I can always help things along; I'm quite good at that. I was the one who prompted Latula and Mituna to see each other, and who has been carefully laying plans for Meenah and Aranea to have some time together, and who has been prodding Damara to be more upfront with Rufioh. I can handle this.

12 August 1638

My birthday is in a few days! I invited my friends over, and I'll be cooking, although nothing fancy. Maybe I'll pick some late berries from the garden, and sprinkle on the last of the sugar. I used most everything for Kitty's birthday.

15 August 1638

Everyone came over today, even Cronus and Kankri and Meenah. My heart felt so big I thought it would burst, to see all of my friends at my home because I asked them to. I know they love me like I love them, but it's still nice when they confirm it by just being here for me. Everyone said the berries were delicious, and some of them even brought presents! Porrim gave me a nice new skirt, and Latula a few pieces of candy, and Meenah and Aranea gave me a new book together.

And once everyone else had left, Kurloz gave me a beautiful bunch of flowers and the longest, most amazing kiss of my life. I think he bruised my neck a little. Not that I mind! It felt wonderful. I'm still floating a little at the memory.

I hope we can do that more. It was…very nice. Very, very nice. It will not be difficult for us to have children, I don't think. I'm not sure what it's supposed to feel like to want someone, but when we kiss like that, I feel a shiver up my neck and my insides feel hot and I just want him to be closer, even when he's pressed right up against me.

It's wonderful.

18 August 1638

Kurloz was over for lunch today and so I talked to him about getting married.

"Kurloz, I…I think I love you. And I want to marry you. But I can't until Nepeta's eighteen-old enough to be on her own."

"Of course," he said kindly. "It will give me more time to convince my father this is a good idea, too."

I nodded. "I'm glad you agree. I really appreciate it."

He smiled. "I would wait a thousand years to marry someone as wonderful as you. Although I hope I don't have to." He has this sweet little smile when he teases me.

I felt my face get warm. "You're twice as wonderful."

He is adorable when he blushes. "Thank you."

After lunch, I asked if he wanted to stay a little longer, and then when we were sitting on the couch I asked him if I could kiss him.

"Of course," he said, and then he leaned forward to kiss me hard. Kitty was in the village, so I knew we had some time, so I kissed him back as hard as I could. My heart was beating so hard I could heart it in my ears and I felt like I was floating.

"Meulin…" he said, softly.

"Hm?" I tried.

"You are so beautiful you drive men to sin," he said with that same soft voice.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

And I do.

22 August 1638

Today is Mama's birthday. Or it should be. She'd be forty-three.

I didn't do much today. I should have but I just miss her so much. It's been more than a year but I love her so much, and I'm not ready to do this without her. I can live on my own, as I've been doing, but I just wish she was here to help me. She knew so much. She'd never call herself wise, but she was.

Kitty didn't do much either. She mostly sat in the library next to Mama's chair and picked at her least favorite skirt.

We both miss her.

28 August 1638

Horuss came by today and he could tell I was tired, so he said, "Would you like to talk about it?"

"Hm?"

"You seem upset."

"I just miss my mother."

"I'm so sorry," he said.

"She was so much better at all this than me! She was a better midwife and a better hunter and gardener and she was much better at taking care of Kitty." Nepeta and Equius were outside, so I knew she couldn't hear me. "And I just miss her. She was my mother."

"I'm very sorry," he said kindly. "It must be awful for you."

"Yeah," I said. "I mean…it's better. But it hurts a lot."

"She was your mother," he said. "It is perfectly natural to miss her. I think you were very close to her, so it must hurt terribly to lose her."

"We were close," I said.

"I'm sorry," he said again, with such sincerity. I'm glad he's my friend. He's very straightforward and even though he's a bit odd sometimes, he's kind deep down.

2 September 1638

The leaves are gorgeous this year. I went for a walk around the woods with Kurloz, holding his hand and all, and we just admired the leaves.

I wish we could marry right now. (Only partially because I want him so badly.) But waiting is, I think, good to make sure we're right for each other. I know love isn't really the point of marriage, but I want to marry someone I love like my mother did.

6 September 1638

He surprised me today with a little box of chocolates and flowers! It was so sweet. And he got all worried when I told him about how much I've been working lately. I do work a lot, and of course I hunt and garden and all that, and lately I've been harvesting and preserving (which Kitty is a huge help with), but it's sweet of him to be worried.

It feels very safe to be with him. I know he loves me, and it's just comfortable to be loved like that. He's so romantic, too! It reminds me of my mother's stories about her love bringing her flowers when they were sixteen and first seeing each other.

9 September 1638

I haven't seen my friends in a little while, since I've been doing so much preservation. Nepeta and I are both home a fair bit, drying and sorting and all that. But I told Porrim and Latula and Damara, and they said they'd try to come to my home. I hope they do!

13 September 1638

Porrim came to my home today to gossip over cups of green tea, which is always fun. I wish I could be in the village more, because apparently something is happening between Damara and Rufioh, but it's hard to tell what. Porrim said she was sure I'd know right away what was going on, but no one else could tell. Then she told me about her latest fling, a woman from the village named Isabella.

"How do you not get pregnant?"

"Well, we're both women in women's bodies."

"No, I mean, when you sleep with someone who has a man's body."

"There's a trick to it. I can tell you if you like, if you don't want to wait until you're married."

"I-that's not it! I just-I want to be able to choose when I have children, and how many."

"I'm teasing you," she said gently. "I'll tell you."

And she did. I do want to be able to choose when I have children, and how many of them I want. I don't want to have too many too close together, or just have too many. I want to be able to have the children I can afford to take care of, and I want to be able to care for them with all my heart. I don't want to have a dozen little ones all at once, each one needing more than I can give, and so they end up feeling unloved. I want to love my children like Mama loved Nepeta and me.

She had such a heavy heart she couldn't have cared for a third child, I don't think. It would've been too much for her. I don't want my children to ever be too much.

18 September 1638

One of these days we'll have everything preserved. In the meantime, Latula visited today for a while. She gushed about her wedding, because she loves Mituna so much (they are perfect for each other), and then asked how I've been. So I told her about my work, and how Kitty's been, and Kurloz and I.

It's nice talking to Latula. She's so full of enthusiasm! She loves sports, and she's good at them, too. She and Mituna play together when they have time. I've never known someone quite so happy. She's not optimistic like Nepeta's friend Feferi, or cheerful like me, but she's so happy and friendly. I just love being around her!

I love all my friends so much. They're just the best.

23 September 1638

Kurloz came for tea and kisses today, like he does. Most days when he comes by we kiss these days. It just feels wonderful to be so close to him like that. We still talk, of course! But we do kiss.

While he's working on his father, apparently his father has been looking for suitable suitors for him, like Eliza but other women too.

"It's driving me a little mad," he admitted with a cute smile. "I promise, none of them will be as amazing as you."

"I know," I said. "I trust you."

"Thank you," he said. "I just don't want to do this. It's such an absurd dance, and it's so long until we can marry and he'll stop."

"Are you still trying to persuade him?"

"Of course," he said. "It's been slow going. I've gotten him to admit that common women are just as capable of childbirth as noble women, which is what really matters to him, but he still thinks that a noble woman would be better, somehow."

"Well, good luck," I said.

"Thank you. I promise I want to marry you-it's just that he is the duke. And my father."

"I know," I said. "We have plenty of time. And we love each other-that's all we need."

He smiled sweetly. "I love you."

"I love you too."

It's going to be okay, since we have each other.

27 September 1638

I'm almost done with harvest, and then it'll just be some time to dry things out. Which is to say, I might be able to spend some time in the village with my friends! Maybe I can figure out what is going on with Damara and Rufioh.

It'll be such fun!


	4. Diamond Ring

1 October 1638

I went into the village today and Porrim was right, I could tell almost right away what was going on. It's not good, though. I hoped Rufioh might be planning a sweet way to propose to Damara, but it's clear to me now that Rufioh isn't entirely faithful; he's also seeing Horuss.

I need to confront Horuss about this. It's really Rufioh's fault (he's the one being unfaithful), but Horuss should know better.

I won't tell Damara about it, not yet. She would be wrecked if she knew. She loves Rufioh; if he was unfaithful, it would tear her apart. If I can just persuade Horuss not to, it'll all work out. If that doesn't work, I'll have to get Rufioh to be honest with Damara (well, sort of honest-tell her he doesn't want to marry her, not that he was unfaithful). I can keep this from breaking down.

Or so I hope.

6 October 1638

Horuss was by for lunch today, so I confronted him about it.

"Horuss, are you seeing Rufioh?"

He went bright red. "I-what does that matter?"

"You know Damara is waiting for him to propose. They've been seeing each other for two years!"

"He doesn't love her anymore."

"That doesn't mean he should be unfaithful. He should tell her, instead of going behind her back. My first thought was to persuade you to stop seeing him, but if he doesn't love her anymore, I best talk to him about that."

Horuss shifted. "I am not sure he loves me, either."

"What?"

"I do not think he loves me as he says he does. I think he is bored."

"Well," I said, trying not to feel furious. "In that case, I best have a talk with him."

"Meulin, please…"

"Horuss, I am not going to stand by while someone I am friends with breaks my other friends' hearts."

"If you say so," he said.

"I'll talk to him soon," I said. "Tea?"

He nodded, and we talked about not much for a while longer.

10 October 1638

I found Rufioh in the village today and told him I'd like to speak with him. He said yes, so once we were out of earshot of everyone else I said, "Rufioh, you need to stop playing games with everyone's hearts."

"W-wha-what do you mean?"

"Clearly you haven't been faithful to Damara, and I'd wager Horuss won't last long either."

He went as red as Horuss before, and then said, "I-what am I supposed to do?"

"Work up the courage to be honest with them. Otherwise you'll just make this worse."

"I-that's not fair!"

"You're kind enough, Rufioh. Now try being truthful, too."

And I left.

He best get himself together, or this will all go very badly very quickly.

14 October 1638

I had a bit of an argument with Kurloz today.

"Meulin…do you love me?"

"Of course," I said.

"I…I heard you snuck off with Rufioh the other day. Aranea mentioned."

"I had to tell him off. He's playing games with Damara and Horuss, not being faithful to Damara but not really in love with Horuss, either. He can't keep doing that. So I told him to start being honest with them."

"Oh," he said. "Alright. Do you think he will?"

"I hope so," I said.

"You didn't…you're not seeing him?"

"Of course not," I said as reassuringly as I could.

"You promise?"

"Yes," I said.

He nodded. "Thank you. I'm sorry. I just worry."

"I know," I said. "It's alright. I love you."

"I love you too."

17 October 1638

Rufioh still hasn't told Damara, or ended it with Horuss. I am running out of patience with him, but there's nothing more I can do, short of telling Damara, and that would rip her apart. I suppose all I can do now is wait.

I'm glad I've got none of this in my love life. I'm not sure I could stand it!

22 October 1638

All Souls' is in a few days, and I'm very excited! Kitty is too. It's going to be great fun. It'll be nice to take a break from working all the time. My friends will all be there, and Kurloz even said he would be, even though the celebrations at the palace must be twice as spectacular as anything we could dream up! He said he'd rather be with me for the holiday, and anyways our festival was quite nice, all things considered.

Well, he won't have to be with his father. He really does not get along with the man, and it's fair enough, too. Between his attitude towards common people, his propensity for angry outbursts, and the way he treats his own wife, there's plenty to dislike. Kurloz isn't like his father, and doesn't like being around him, so he likes it when he can stay out of his home.

By the time we're married, his father will be almost fifty, so quite old. And Kurloz promised I'd never have to deal with the man, so I don't mind.

I wish he could have met Mama. His mother died when he was young, when his brother was born, and his father is not a kind man. Mama would have loved him! And she already took care of Kitty and me when our parents wouldn't, or couldn't; she'd be so kind to him. We'd be a good family together, all of us.

27 October 1638

I finished embroidering the new skirt I was making for the festival in a few days! It's this pattern that's supposed to look absolutely gorgeous for dancing, and I embroidered a pattern of vines and daisies on the hem. It's pretty as can be! I hope Kurloz likes it. I can't wait to dance with him! He's a wonderful dancer.

Kitty's practically bouncing off the walls with excitement. She's going to ask Karkat to dance, and I can tell he doesn't love her like whoever she might marry ought to love her, but I hope it goes well. I hope he isn't cruel. I hope he dances with her and they have fun, and I hope if he has to reject her outright that day, rather than waiting for a day that's not a festival, I hope he's kind about it. Well, what I really hope is that he realizes that my sister is the most wonderful girl he could hope to marry, but they're only fifteen, so there's time for that.

31 October 1638

Today was the festival! I danced with Kurloz for hours, and he told my my skirt was beautiful. He loved our festival, too, said it was wonderful and fun and a great time. Mrs. Topham who plays fiddle is getting pretty old, but she still plays brilliantly. And dancing with the village, everyone I've grown up with, holding my…my fiancé's hands was just wonderful. It felt so light and free. I've never felt so warm and happy.

He hasn't proposed to me, not really, but I saw something in his pocket that could've been a box for a ring. And I know he wants to marry me, as much as I want to marry him. We've been seeing each other for quite a while, now, and if it weren't for Kitty I'm sure we'd be planning our wedding.

Kitty didn't ask Karkat to dance, even though she said she would. She told me she would tomorrow. I hope she does! It'll be better for her to get it off her chest.

Rufioh danced mostly with Damara, her being a woman and all, but he did a few dances with Horuss, and normally I wouldn't notice or care (I dance with all my friends at least once), but I know what Rufioh's doing, and I'm not happy with him right now. Of course Latula and Mituna danced their hearts out, like Kurloz and I. I'm so glad at least some of us can just be happy!

1 November 1638

Kitty finally asked Karkat to dance today, and he said yes. They danced once, and I saw how happy it made her. He didn't say anything afterwards to her that I saw, and anyways after that Kurloz did that thing he does when I get too involved with these things, where he touches my cheek softly and says something kind. This time he said, "Come on, now. There's nothing you can do. I'm right here. Let's dance."

"Yes, let's dance," I agreed, and we danced until my feet hurt.

4 November 1638

Latula and Mituna are going to be married on the twenty-sixth! I'm so excited. It's going to be such fun! And I know the two of them will be happy together. I could tell that when we were sixteen! They're going to be so good for each other.

I know all this romantic love isn't really what most people care about it, but it's just so sweet! And it makes people so happy.

8 November 1638

I'm going to faint. He proposed to me today! We were in the village, just sitting and talking, when he said, "Meulin, do you love me?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then…" He went on one knee, and took my hand, and said, "Will you marry me?"

"I-Kurloz…I…Nepeta…"

"Not now," he said. "Not until you're ready, and she's ready. I just want to promise you. Will you marry me someday?"

"Yes," I said. "Yes, of course." I could feel my eyes tearing up, and I was trembling all over when he slipped the ring on my finger. "A ring?"

"I know it's not traditional," he said. "But you said your mother had one, and I want you to always know that I'm promising myself to you."

"No, no, it's fine," I said. "It's just expensive."

"It's fine," he said. "I have all my father's money."

"What about your father?"

"He can introduce me to all the noble women he pleases. I want you."

I was certainly crying, too happy to speak. "I love you."

"I love you too."

And then he kissed me, soft and gentle, and I thought I might melt from it.

We're going to get married. Not for a long time, but we're going to get married. We've been seeing each other a year this Christmas, so I suppose it's high time, but I'm still so excited I can hardly breathe. And the ring…it's absolutely gorgeous. I can tell it cost him a fair bit; it's gold with emeralds and diamonds (he knows I love green), and it fits perfectly. I keep spinning it around my finger because I'm just so excited! I'm going to marry him!

Kitty noticed, of course, and she grinned huge and said, "I told you so!"

"You were right," I conceded.

"Can I help you make your dress?"

"Of course, Kitty. But we're not really going to get married until you're old enough to be on your own."

"So, when?"

"When you're eighteen."

"That seems awfully far away."

"Well, it is, a little bit anyways. But I don't mind, and neither does he. Kitty, you're my little sister. You're the most important person in my life, and I'm not going anywhere until you're old enough to live on your own."

"You were only seventeen when Mama…when Mama died." I could tell she thought I was treating her like a baby. It drives her mad when people do that, because she's not. Our mother was prone to it, but not for the reasons other people do, and I know that because Mama did the same to me.

"Hey, Kitty, I don't think you can't. It's just that…I wasn't ready when Mama died. I'm still kind of not. So I don't want to get married and move on when you're still only fifteen."

"Well, I would miss you anyways," she said.

"I'd miss you too," I teased. "When I move, I'll write you every day."

"I'll write you back every day," she promised, and she took my hand and squeezed tight. "I love you, Linny."

"I love you too, Kitty."

She hardly calls me Linny anymore. I'll always call her Kitty, but Linny was her name for me when we played pretend when we were younger. It was how we'd know what was pretend and what was real. When it was pretend, I was Linny and she was Kitty. Sometimes when things were hard with our birth parents and we were so hungry it hurt, I'd call her Kitty and we'd pretend we were in a dangerous dungeon, and our captors were trying to confuse us by making us hungry, and we had to fight through to escape. And then with Mama, I called her Kitty and we'd pretend we'd escaped to the palace of the benevolent queen who was our real mother and now our mission was to blend in so we could someday return to vanquish the evil queen who'd stolen us.

Mama said to me once that it was good we could acknowledge that our birth parents were wrong to treat us like that, even if we did it by pretending, because it meant we knew we deserved better.

Now I just call her Kitty because she's my sister and I love her, and it's how we know we'll always be sisters. No matter how much we grow up or what happens, we're sisters. She's Kitty and I'm Linny.

13 November 1638

We've been helping Latula make her wedding dress, and it looks wonderful. It's this gorgeous blue thing with gold ribbon accents, and parts of it are from her mother's wedding dress. And she's borrowing a necklace from her mother, too, something that was once her aunt's. It's this pretty gold chain with a pendant that's scales, like for measuring weights. Latula told us it was a bit scandalous, but she'd eavesdropped and heard that this was a gift to her aunt (the one with the funny name, Neo something) from a woman she was seeing! Apparently the two of them were quite close for a time.

"Of course, my mother doesn't want anyone to know. It would be such a scandal."

"My mother's mother-in-law loved women and she was amazing," I said. "It's not such a terrible thing."

"I know," Latula said. "But they were sleeping together, apparently."

"Nothing wrong with that," Porrim said.

"I don't think so," Latula said. "But you know my mother. She can be a bit old-fashioned. Apparently my aunt was a bit of a black sheep in my father's family when they were young."

"Really?"

"Oh, yes. She dressed as a man to go to school and practice law, not to mention her lady friend! I wish I could do that!"

"Why can't you?" I asked.

"Money," she said. "School's gotten more expensive, and with me doing laundry and my darling farmwork, we just don't have the money for it."

"I'm sorry," Damara said.

"It's alright," Latula said breezily. "I don't mind laundry, as long as you keep mixing up that salve for me." I make a slave of my mother's for Latula's dry skin.

"Well, alright," I said.

"It's hard to believe we'll have a child soon," she said.

"You don't have to," Porrim said.

"I really like him," Latula said. "If that's what you mean. He's very handsome."

"No, I mean, there's a trick for not having children," Porrim said. "It's worked for me."

"What?" Latula asked.

So Porrim explained it to her (I'm blushing just thinking of it!) and Latula nodded thoughtfully and said, "That's good to know. We can stand to wait a few years to have children."

"I'm always glad to spread knowledge," Porrim said with a little smile.

Latula's dress is going to be beautiful. I can't wait for her wedding!

18 November 1638

I've been looking at patterns for my wedding dress. Not very seriously, of course, but idly. When I'm married, I'm sure Kurloz will try to give me money for my dress, but I want to make my dress with my own money. I'll use the lace from my mother's wedding dress, I think. Or maybe I'll just wear my mother's wedding dress? She left it to us, Kitty and me. It's gorgeous, and it would fit me, and she wore it to marry her love. But I want to make my own wedding dress!

It's a hard choice, but I have lots of time.

24 November 1638

Their wedding is in a few days! I'm so excited I might explode. Surely Latula and Mituna are even more excited than I am. I can't even imagine! I hope this is how I feel before my wedding!

I hope they have the best marriage ever. I hope they have all the children they want, and that when they're old and creaky, they can rest a little. I hope they have wonderful lives.

26 November 1638

The wedding was beautiful! The ceremony was of course in the church, and it was like most weddings, but their vows to each other were so sweet. They're so good for each other.

And then afterwards we all went to their new home, a little cottage near Mituna's father's home, and we had a feast and danced until it was very, very late. The two of them cooked together for us, and it was delicious-meats and a wonderful potato dish and a huge pile of sweet buns. Cronus, as frustrating as he can be, is truly a spectacular musician. He played for us while we all danced, and after the first dance (which was of course for Latula and Mituna), we all danced together.

And of course they went to bed afterwards, and the rest of us left them in peace.

Kurloz walked me home, and I told him I hoped our wedding was half as fun as that one. He touched my ring and told me he would make sure it was.

30 November 1638

It's getting awfully cold out. Of course, it does that in the winter, but it does make me nervous. Nepeta hates her winter cloak, and Mama was never able to sew one she liked. She can't stand to have things tight around her neck, or things too heavy on her shoulders. People get sick in the cold, and from the cold, and I'm not sure what I'd do if Kitty got sick.

It also makes my work harder, because I have more people to treat. Most people don't trust me like they trusted my mama, because I'm only nineteen and she was actually an adult, but I still can help people.

Well, I'll make a little more money to compensate for the harder hunting.

5 December 1638

Second Sunday of Advent today. Mama always did Advent with candles and such, and so we do it now to remember her. We still use those lovely colorful candles she used to, three purple and one pink and the center one with the lovely design. Today was for joy, so at supper we talked about what we're happy about.

"I'm happy for Latula and Mituna."

"I'm happy about dancing with Karkat."

"That was a month ago, silly," I teased.

"He said yes," she said. "I never ever thought he'd say yes! And he's a really good dancer!"

At that, Button jumped onto her lap and nudged her hand.

"I'm happy we have Button," Nepeta said.

I laughed. "Me too. She's the best cat. But not the best Kitty!"

"I'm the best Kitty," she said with a sort of warmth that told me she knew what I meant. Our mother wanted us to know we were loved, and that we were allowed to love ourselves, and I want Kitty to know I love her and that she's wonderful and loved no matter what.

8 December 1638

Kurloz was over for lunch today, fretting about Christmas with his family.

"My brother will hardly notice, and my father is going to try to gift me a betrothal of some sort, I'm sure."

"He just wants what's best for you, I'm sure. Even though he's wrong about what that is."

"I suppose."

"I'm sorry. I wish you could've known Mama. I'm sure she would've understood. And she'd have loved you!"

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"That's good to hear," he said. "The only thing my father taught me that helped me was to be more confident."

"My mama taught me the same thing."

He smiled. "Well, at least my father is right about one thing."

"He must've done a few things right to have a son as wonderful as you."

He blushed a very sweet bright red and ducked his head, then took a sip of tea. "Thank you."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

And I do.

12 December 1638

Third Sunday of Advent today, for peace. It's the pink candle. It was nice to watch the candles burn down as we ate, Button mewing at us for scraps. We usually give her a few, but she hunts mice too. She's grown up to be quite the mouser from the tiny thing she was when Mama first let us have a cat!

It's sweet when Button sleeps on Nepeta's bed. She goes to bed earlier than me, and I stay up late writing anyways, so sometimes when I check on Nepeta she's asleep in her bed with Button curled up next to her. I like having a cat. I'm glad I persuaded Mama about that.

16 December 1638

I don't know what I'll get Kitty for Christmas this year! It's hard to buy things for her when I don't have much money. We'll do presents on Christmas of course, like my mama did, even though I've no idea why she did that, so I have even less time.

I want it to be perfect for her. I know I worry a lot about her, but she's my little sister! My friends don't all get along so well with their siblings, but I love Nepeta. Well, none of them are orphans, either, so we're a bit of a special case.

Kurloz and his brother don't get along much at all. Gamzee isn't as religious as Kurloz, and Kurloz is frustrated because he feels his brother's lack of religion, rather than being a difference in faith like mine, is because his brother is forever finding new intoxicants to try. And Gamzee doesn't like Kurloz because he thinks Kurloz is trying to prevent him from discovering his own religion (which is, apparently, inordinate amounts of alcohol among other substances).

On the other hand, Porrim and Kanaya get along famously. They're more like Nepeta and me. But Porrim's older than me, and she and Kanaya have parents, even if they are from the city.

I can't even imagine the city! Porrim's been a few times, to visit her aunts, but her father isn't very close with his sisters. Porrim says it's complicated, and her father doesn't like to talk about it. I can't imagine what could've happened, but I suppose people lose family to things other than death with a certain regularity. I hope that never happens with Nepeta and me. I want our children to be friends with each other. I want them to grow up together.

And I want them to have parents until they're old enough not to. It's not my mama's fault, getting sick like she did, and it's not her fault she couldn't get through it. She mentioned once or twice that something awful happened to her when she was younger, and I think it made her weaker than she'd ever admit. I'd know what if I read her journals, of course, but I said I wouldn't and I won't.

It's incredibly tempting.

19 December 1638

Last Sunday of Advent today, for love. I have so much love in my life! I love my sister, and Kurloz, and my friends, and I still love my mama, even though she's gone. I will always love these people; I'll always have them when I need someone. And of course Kurloz is just the sweetest man I could hope to be engaged to.

We're engaged! I remember it sometimes, all of a sudden. He proposed to me and gave me the most beautiful ring I've ever seen. It's something I'd never be able to afford on my own, certainly! My mother left me her engagement ring, and I've worn it on my right hand since, but now I have my own ring and it's beautiful! Not that my mother's isn't, but this one is from my love, like hers was from her love.

My mother had such stories about her family before that terrible thing she didn't talk about. They were so happy together! She said her love was handsome and sweet and clever and kind and compassionate and just amazing, and her mother-in-law (her real mother) was intelligent and caring and kind and wonderful, and her best friend was brilliant and funny and kind and clever, and she loved them all to pieces. Like she loved my sister and me to pieces. I want to have stories for my children someday-especially my daughters! I want daughters so badly. I'll have my own daughters someday and I can tell them stories about my family and friends when I was younger.

Oh, what will I name them? I want to name them something pretty, like…oh, I don't know, Rosamond, or Cassandra, or Adilene, or…or Cecily, that's a lovely name. I know Kurloz wants a son, and if half of babies are girls and half are boys we'll only need to have two or three, maybe four, for us both to have what we want.

Not that I won't be delighted to have sons! I want to tell my sons theses stories too, and teach them all the things my mother taught me. I'll teach my daughters to read and write and shoot and stand up for themselves, and my sons to cook and sew and weave and be compassionate. My children are going to be cared for, and loved.

21 December 1638

I finally found the perfect gifts today, for Nepeta and for Kurloz (that's all I can afford, and my other friends understand). For Nepeta, I found a pattern and the supplies to sew a stuffed cat. For Kurloz, I picked a new Bible, the new King James version. It's just in beautiful ink and there's gold on the edges of the pages, and if you fan the pages it's a beautiful painting of Adam and Eve. It's going to be a perfect gift!

I'm excited for Christmas. I can't wait to see my loved one's reactions! I hope they like the presents as much as I think they will.

25 December 1638

Nepeta and I cooked our Christmas feast today, like we used to do with Mama. We saved up as much as we could and we had the money and ingredients to make a roast and Yorkshire pudding and the green beans with the nuts and a few of the other best dishes our mama used to make for us. It was just the two of us, but it felt warm and safe and I love her and she loves me, and it just felt wonderful.

I gave her her present, and she loved it. She jumped up and grinned huge, which she hardly ever does, and kissed me on the cheek, and said it was the best present ever. And then she gave me her present for me, a French mystery novel I'm going to love. I was so happy I could've cried.

It was such a good day. I won't see Kurloz and get to give him my present until the twenty-seventh. I'm very excited for it! But for now, I'm going to enjoy the holiday with my sister, my little family.

I love her so much. I always will.

27 December 1638

I saw Kurloz today! He came for lunch, but this time he cooked for me (clumsy as he can be with cooking) and then I gave him his gift, and he ginned huge and hugged me tight, and then he kissed me hard. "Meulin, I could not ask for a better gift. I have something for you, too."

"Oh?"

"Yes," he said, and he handed me a little wrapped box.

I unwrapped it, and it was the most beautiful pair of diamond earrings I've ever seen.

"Kurloz, these must cost a fortune."

"Don't worry about money," he said. "I don't have to. And once we're married, we'll never have to worry about money."

"I can't help it," I said. "We never had enough money after Nepeta and I left our birth parents."

He blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"

"What do you mean, what?"

"Left your birth parents?"

"Oh…Kurloz, I'm sorry. I…I've never talked about it much. I guess I never mentioned it to any of our friends, really, and Nepeta and I look just like Mama. Um. My birth parents are the Leijon nobles, but they treated Nepeta and me…they weren't really good to us. They starved us. So when I ran away when I was eleven, and then a month later, after Mama found me and fixed me up-I got really sick because I had no food or water or place to sleep-I went back for Nepeta. Our birth parents think we're dead."

"Aren't your birth parents worried? They're your blood!"

"But they almost killed Kitty and me. They lost their right to be called our birth parents. Mama…she raised us and she loved us. She took care of us."

He looked uncomfortable. "But they're your blood."

"So's your father. Are you like him?"

He went a little pink, then said, "I hope not."

"My blood parents were not kind people. I know it's unconventional, but it was right for Nepeta and me to leave. I know it."

He nodded. "I understand. They shouldn't have let you go hungry."

"Yes," I said. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. It's just that Mama meant so much to me-she's just my mother. I never thought to mention my blood parents."

"It's quite alright," he said. "That…that's quite a lot to go through. Thank you for telling me."

"You're welcome," I said. "Anyways, we never had much money, so I can't help but worry about it."

"I understand," he said. "Well, that's one thing you'll never have to worry about once we're married. I'll take care of you." His voice was soft and kind.

"I know," I said with a smile. I put the earrings on and said, "Do you like them?"

"They are beautiful, but not nearly as beautiful as you are."

I blushed and he kissed me, and then I kissed him until my lips hurt.

31 December 1638

Tomorrow begins 1639! I'm excited to start a new year. Another year with my dear and my sister, and another year to see what this world has to offer. There's just so much out there! So many people to meet, so much more of the woods to explore, so much of my mother's and grandmother's notes to study, so many more books to read…I don't understand how anyone couldn't want to seize all this world's possibilities!


	5. It All Falls Down

1 January 1339

Happy New Year! I'm so excited for this year. There's just so much to do! I know my mama used to worry I'd end up hurting myself one of these days, being so excited like I am, but it hasn't let me down yet!

I heard my mama fretting sometimes to Horuss's father that Kitty and me would inherit her melancholy somehow. I don't think I have! The world is bright and open to me. I know there are things I can't do, things I wish I could do (my mother's stories of the one time she saw the university always held my attention), but there's so much more that I can do! And I have my family and my friends with me, to be there for me and so I can be there for them.

A whole new year! I can't wait.

4 January 1639

Horuss was by again today, like he is. He'll come about once a week for lunch. Only today Kurloz came by, too. I hoped they'd get along, but I suppose not. They never speak much in the village and I assumed it was because they just didn't know each other, or because they're both quiet people, generally. I suppose I'll have to build this bridge now.

I opened the door for Kurloz and went up on tiptoe to kiss him, because he's so tall, and said, "Come in! Horuss is over today too. You two can catch up while I cook!"

"Horuss Zahhak?"

"Of course. I left you tea on the table, black with milk like you like."

"What's he doing here?" I know Kurloz can get jealous sometimes, but there's no cause with Horuss. Or anyone, really, because I love Kurloz, but especially Horuss.

"He comes by sometimes to make sure Nepeta and me are alright. His brother and my sister are best friends."

"Oh," he said. "Alright."

"He's a bit quiet, but I'm sure there's something for you to talk about," I said, and then I went to the kitchen to finish my stew.

They didn't seem to talk much, and so when I brought out the stew I tried to carry the conversation, but they were staring daggers at each other for the whole meal.

Well, I haven't had a new challenge in a while. It's high time! I'll get them to be friends. They have things in common, and they're both important to me, and so they best learn to get along! I'll talk with Kurloz when I see him next, and Horuss next week.

7 January 1638

I did talk with Kurloz today about Horuss.

"There's no cause to distrust him. His father was friends with my mother, and his brother and my sister are best friends. He just makes sure we're not dying. He's a friend."

"I know," he said. "I'm sorry. I know it's absurd. I just love you so much, and I worry."

"What's there to worry about?"

"You're just so amazing," he said. "I know I have money and power, but you're amazing. I know you love me. I just worry."

"It's alright, then, my dear," I said. "I love you. Horuss is just a friend."

"Alright," he said. "I trust you. I don't think he likes me much, either."

"I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. I'll talk to him and clear it right up!"

"That sounds nice," he said. "I'll be his friend, for your sake, my darling."

I couldn't help but smile. He's so sweet! I'm glad I can work this out.

10 January 1639

Horuss was by today, even though it was snowing, and had tea.

"Horuss, why don't you get along with Kurloz?"

"He…" He frowned. "I disagree with his religion."

"Well, so do I, and I love him. You can't only like people who agree with you on matters like religion! I'm sure I disagree with you quite strongly on some points."

"Oh?"

"I believe it's alright to sleep with someone if you're not trying to have a baby."

He went quite red and said, "I don't know how you can believe that."

"And I don't know how you can't. You're seeing Rufioh!"

"We're not…not…" He went tomato-red and did not continue. "Are you?"

I went just as red and said, "No! We're not married!"

"I thought it was alright?"

"It's alright, if I wanted to. I just don't want to. I want to wait until we're married."

"And if he was a woman?"

"Then it would be different," I defended myself.

"Well…I suppose," he said, reluctantly.

"Will you at least try to be friendly with him?" I asked. "I love him. He's going to be in my life. And you're one of my best friends. I can't lose either of you, so I need you two to get along."

"In that case," he said. "I will try. For you."

"Thank you," I said sincerely, and I hugged him tight. He smiled against my cheek and hugged me back. I know I'm a little odd, but I have my friends, and as long as I have them, I'll be fine.

15 January 1639

I almost wrote 1638 in the date today! Silly me.

I have a bad feeling about this unstable triangle Rufioh's created. It can't last much longer before it all comes crashing down and someone gets hurt. Someone-Damara. Rufioh will be just fine, carrying on like nothing's wrong like he does. Horuss will be hurt, and perhaps is reputation will take a hit, but he'll live. Damara's going to find out the man she's been counting on to propose to her is lying and unfaithful, and it's going to hurt her so badly.

I've done all I can. Now Rufioh needs to do the right thing.

19 January 1639

Nepeta asked me today if she could practice telling Karkat how she felt about him to me, like how we used to play pretend. I said of course, and it was so sweet.

"Alright. Um. Karkat…I think you're very handsome and clever and kind even if you don't act like it and I'd like to start seeing you if that's alright."

"That's very good, Nepeta!"

"No, you have to respond like him!"

"Then let's practice a few reactions. What do you think he might say?"

"Um…well…he could say yes! Or he might say no, but…nicely. Or he might say no but mean. Or he might not understand me at all!"

"We can practice all of those. So, I'm Karkat." I put on a silly voice. "Hi, Nepeta. I shout a lot and curse so much my brother shouts at me."

She giggled and said, "No, be serious!"

"Alright, alright. Then…" I thought for a moment, then said. "Um, yeah, Nepeta, I feel the same way about you."

"Then I take his hand and ask him to go for a walk in the woods with me!" she said, practically bouncing out of her chair.

"Perfect," I said. "Now…Um, you see me all the time, Nepeta? I'm not invisible!"

"No, silly! I mean, like my sister and Kurloz, or Latula and Mituna. Like that."

"Oh! Um…yes. I'd like that," I said. "Great, Nepeta."

"Can we practice if he says no?" she asked.

"Of course," I said. "It'll be easier if you've practiced, if he does say no."

"Alright. I'm ready," she said.

"I'm sorry, Nepeta, but I don't feel that way about you."

Her face went flat like it does when she's hurt, and she said, "That's alright. Um…goodbye." She paused, then said, "Was that alright?"

"Yes, of course," I said. "Feel free to just leave. And you can come find me and we'll go home and make tea and talk about how stupid boys are."

"Alright," she said. "Um. Can you practice being mean?"

"I'll try," I said. "Um. Nepeta, you're so dumb! I don't like you at all!"

Her face went flat again and she was shaking terribly, and she burst out, "You're mean and awful and I'm glad you don't like me because I'd never want to be with someone like you!"

"Perfect, Kitty," I said. "Absolutely perfect."

"Huh?"

"Anyone who treats you like that isn't good enough for you, not by half. You deserve someone kind and compassionate."

"Yeah," she said. "But I don't think he'll be like that."

"I'm sure he won't be," I said. "For all he shouts, I don't think he's like his brother."

"Mama said Kankri and Karkat look like her husband. She said they're probably related," Nepeta said offhandedly.

I almost laughed. "How could those two be related to someone like Mama's husband? He was…he wasn't irritating and self-centered, or loud and rude."

"I think Karkat is like Mama's husband," Nepeta said defensively. "He's kind, really, and he wants things to be better for us, and he's willing to work hard for it. And he's a good leader!"

"Well, alright," I said. "But Kankri's nothing like Mama's husband."

"Not at all," Nepeta agreed.

I hope this goes well for her. I can tell he doesn't like her, but if he's cruel when he tells her no I'll have to find him and have words with him. No one should be allowed to treat my sister like that, especially not some oddball loudmouth with no sense of manners!

22 January 1638

The snow makes it harder than ever to hunt. It crunches underfoot and makes me easier for the animals to spot. But it makes them easier to see, too. I've been doing alright, and we're not hungry, so I think I'm managing.

I hope so, anyways.

25 January 1638

Nepeta did it today! She told Karkat she liked him, and…and like I thought, he turned her down. He said he didn't love her.

So she ran home to me and she burst into tears. She cried…different from when Mama died. She curled up in her favorite chair with her stuffed cat and cried quietly, her face hidden in its fur.

"Nepeta?"

"Leave me alone."

"Can you talk to me a little?"

"No! Leave me alone!"

She turned away from me and hid her face in her cat again.

"Alright," I said. "I'm right here if you want to talk."

She kept crying, so I left her alone for the time being. She should talk about it, I think, because I think it would…help her, at least a little. I think this is going to hurt her a lot, but…I think she'll get better, with time.

Well, she's too good for him, anyways. She deserves someone who loves her with all their heart, and someone who knows how to be soft and gentle. Not the loudest, rudest young man I've ever met. And she deserves someone who makes an effort with her, someone who tries to woo her with flowers and smiles. I know she liked him, but I think there are better people for her.

Or perhaps I'm just saying these things for her. I do want her to be with someone she likes. If she likes him, who am I to stand in the way of that?

29 January 1639

I'm sick to death of books written by men. The women in their stories have no desires or plans of their own. They might as well be trophies for the men who are heroes! Don't they understand what we do when they're not looking? Who do they think bears their children? Who ensures those children and the women bearing them survive? Who plants the gardens, keeps the house, defends the home when they're off having grand adventures?

I want to write a story about a woman who leaves her home to have her own grand adventure with her friends, leaving their husbands to keep the village working. It would be about the women, with a few chapters to be funny in the midst of the drama about the men at home stumbling all over themselves to care for their children and cook and clean and all that.

I sound so vindictive! I suppose I'm just fed up. I'm glad my fiancé (my fiancé!) isn't like that. We talked about it, and while he does have responsibilities I can't take on (being the eldest blood son of the duke), we're going to share as much of the work of homemaking as possible.

Although I think he has servants and such to do work for him, and for me. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I know that I will raise my own children. I will love and care for them all on my own, like my mama did for me.

1 February 1639

Kurloz was over today, so I thought I'd ask him about that.

"My dear?"

"Yes?"

"When we're married…who exactly keeps house?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when we're married, I'd normally expect to keep my own house, like I have here. But you live in a castle, with servants! I will be raising my own children-I won't compromise on that-but who exactly is in charge of the cooking and cleaning and all that?"

"The servants, of course," he said. "My father's wife's duties are, like my father's, largely political. Important celebrations, charity work, correspondence with other nobles, all that. I'll also have duties in Parliament, of course, but I shouldn't be away for too long at a time."

"Alright," I said. "Alright. I'm sorry, we should have talked about this before."

"No, I should have mentioned it," he said.

"I am going to raise our children," I said. "I'm sure I'll appreciate a nurse's help, but I will be raising our children."

"Yes," he said, with a little wistful smile. "I would like to be part of that."

"Of course," I said. "I love you. I want to raise children with you."

"Then I'm sure this will all turn out perfectly."

I smiled back and, after lunch, we kissed for a very long time.

6 February 1639

Horuss was by for lunch today to fuss, like he does.

"Are you sure you have enough?"

"Yes, Horuss."

"You're both eating well? Vegetables and meats?"

"Yes!"

"You have money for fabric and lard and shoes and milk and such?"

"My goodness, yes! I'm not incompetent, you know."

"I don't imagine you are."

"Then why do you interrogate me like this every time you visit?"

"I worry about you, Meulin. You worry to me quite often about money and about affording things. I simply wish to make sure you and your sister are alright."

"Thanks," I said. "I appreciate it. I'm sorry, it's not fair for me to take out my worries on you."

He nodded. "I understand. But I am not your parent, and do not wish to act like one."

"Thanks," I said. "What about you and Kurloz? How are you getting on?"

"Better than before," he said. "We have been talking some about some novels we both enjoy, and some poetry by Mr. Shakespeare."

"Oh, wonderful!" I said. "I love his plays."

"I am not so sure about the plays."

"How come?"

"Well, many believe that God does not approve of such frivolity."

"Well, that's just too bad," I said. "I enjoy the theater, and his plays are wonderfully constructed, purely for his use of language. Oh, never mind, that isn't what I wanted to talk about! I'm glad you and Kurloz are getting along better."

"Yes," he said. "Me as well."

"You are both very important to me," I said. "I'm glad you can be friends."

"He can be a little stiff in manner."

"So can you," I said gently.

He smiled, as soft as I've ever seen him, and hugged me before he left, which he doesn't do very often. It felt nice; he's one of my best friends, and it felt very safe to hug him.

I'm glad I have the friends I do. They love me, and I love them, and it's just wonderful to have people around who I love and who love me. It means I'm safe, and if I fall-if I don't have the money for lard and fabric, or I'm not eating-they're going to be there for me. If something terrible happened to me and I couldn't feed Nepeta, they'd help me take care of her.

My mama's family helped her when she was hurting, and she helped them. I'm going to have family like hers.

10 February 1639

Porrim and Latula came over today for tea. I've had a fair bit of work to do lately, so it was nice to sit down for a moment. We gossiped some about the new people in town, the families who came here a few years ago (not so new anymore, but newer than anyone else). Porrim says her sister's taken a liking to one of the young ladies, and Latula's sister to one of the young men. They seem like decent people, so none of us object, really, but of course we, as older sisters, must worry about those our younger sisters set their hearts on.

We also talked about our own lives, naturally. Porrim and Latula know I'm properly engaged now, and they think my dear is just darling for getting me the ring. I do too! It was a sweet gesture and it's a comfort to look at the ring and remember.

Latula talked about her married life with Mituna. She thanked Porrim for her little trick, and said that the two of them might wait a little bit to have children because they want to have a little money saved up first. Of course! I'm just glad they're so happy together.

Porrim still thinks settling down and marrying is overrated. I disagree, but that's her life and I'm living mine. We have different ways of being happy, and I'm of the opinion that above all else, as friends, we ought to support each other's happiness.

I tried to talk to Nepeta again today at dinner, and she still won't talk much about Karkat. I hope she does, soon.

15 February 1639

Nepeta finally talked to me some today.

"He wasn't mean, Meulin. You don't have to shout at him."

"Alright, Kitty."

"I'm just sad. He said no!"

"Oh, Nepeta…it's alright to be sad. It's perfectly alright. It hurts a lot when someone turns you down."

"You don't know, you have Kurloz."

"I do, but you remember Paul. He said no when I told him I liked him."

"Oh."

"It hurts a lot, and that's perfectly alright. Oh, Kitty…I'm so sorry. He doesn't know what he's missing."

"Not much," she said crossly. "I'm different. He knows it. Everyone does!"

"So what if you're different? You're still an amazing person. You're good at most everything you try and you're brilliant and creative and kind, and you're very pretty, too. If he doesn't like you because you're different, he doesn't deserve you."

"But I want him to!" she said. "I still like him!"

"It'll fade, Kitty."

"I don't want it to. Maybe he'll change his mind!"

"Or maybe he won't," I said gently. "Sometimes you need to let these things go."

"Easy for you to say. You're engaged."

"That's not fair," I said.

"Yes it is," she said. "You have someone who likes you back."

"And you will too, someday, if that's what you want," I said. "But it might not be Karkat. It could be someone else. You just need to keep your eyes open."

"Fine," she said. "But I'm going to keep liking him."

"Fair enough," I said. "Just…please don't let him hurt you."

"I'll try," she said with a little smile.

She'll be alright. She will be.

18 February 1639

I wish I could talk to my mama about this. I'm worried about my responsibilities in the castle. My whole life I've been common, keeping house and caring for my sister and being the midwife. But if I'm in the castle, all my responsibilities become political and I'm not sure I can the midwife anymore. I certainly won't be cooking and all that!

It's just something I didn't think much about until we discussed it. I love him, there's no question of that, and I want to marry him. I'm just not sure what to think about this new dimension to it all. I'm a normal person. There's nothing special or noble about me. I wasn't raised for this life, and I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. I believe, like my mother did, that there's nothing inherently special about the nobles, and even if there was I am of that blood, but upbringing counts for something, and I was brought up common.

At least our children will be brought up knowing what their lives are to be. And they'll have a proper education! The education Mama gave Nepeta and me was wonderful in many ways, but it will never be the kind of education I can write down or have a degree from. I learned so much, but none of it in a school. My children will have that benefit.

I'm so excited to hold my little one in my arms. I know it will be hard to be pregnant and give birth-no one knows better than the midwife-but having a baby! I think that will be the most joyful day of my life, when I am allowed to hold my beautiful baby in my arms.

I won't tell anyone, but I hope it's a little girl.

23 February 1639

I know sometimes with births someone…someone doesn't make it, but it's so hard whenever it happens. Today the little boy didn't make it. The mother, Elizabeth, managed, but her little baby did not. His little fingers and toes were blue when he was born; he couldn't breathe in this world.

Nepeta could tell. She can always tell when it doesn't go well, because I know I'm much quieter than normal. She touched my arm and said, "You're not a bad midwife."

"Thank you, Kitty."

She sent Button to cuddle with me after supper, too, which helped. I'm glad we have a cat, because it means we have someone else besides just each other. Even just a cat.

28 February 1639

Damara was over today, and she's noticed Rufioh's odd behavior. It's only a matter of time before this entire mess explodes, and I hope at least Damara comes out as unharmed as she possibly can.

I didn't say anything to her, because I will not be the one to hurt her, but it's making me nervous. She's going to get hurt, and I just hope I can help her. I'll be there for her when it does happen, if I can't make Rufioh do the right thing.

I'll give him one more chance.

3 March 1639

I talked to Rufioh again today, telling him to pull his act together and be honest with Damara and Horuss, and he shifted foot to foot and said, "Why should I?"

"What on Earth do you mean?"

"Why shouldn't I just…keep going?"

"Because it's dishonest and it's going to fall apart and end up hurting someone."

"But it's been working for this long."

"You just don't understand what you're doing wrong, do you?" I asked.

He looked guilty, but said, "You have no right to interfere in my love life."

I sighed and said, "Alright, fine. Clearly you're only going to learn your lesson when it all goes wrong. Don't come crying to me when that happens."

"I won't," he said. "Because it won't."

I rolled my eyes and left, because he clearly does not know what he's doing. He'll suffer the consequences before long.

I'm glad my darling is kind and honest. I'm never going to have to deal with this nonsense.

8 March 1639

It happened today. Damara came to my home in tears and said, "He's been lying to me?"

"Damara?"

"Rufioh! He was lying to me! He was seeing Horuss behind my back this entire time! He doesn't love me-he never did!" She burst into tears and threw herself into a chair, folding her arms on the table to cry into.

"Damara, I'm so sorry," I said. "He…that's an awful thing to do. I'm so sorry. Tea?"

She nodded.

"He's such a bastard!" she sobbed. "How could he do that to me? He said he loved me! He said he was going to marry me!"

"Oh, Damara…" I said. "Hey, do you want me to get Porrim and Latula? We'll all hate him together if you like."

"Could you?" she asks. "I couldn't stand to be in the village anymore."

"Of course," I said. "Just sip your tea and take some deep breaths. I can mix something up for your nerves if you like."

"No thanks," she said. "I think I just need the tea."

"Alright, I'll be back as quick as possible," I said.

I ran into the village and found my friends; Latula doing laundry in her home and singing to herself, and Porrim cooking away for her elderly aunt who's been staying with them. I told them Damara needed us and to come to my house, and so the three of us made it back to my home and we all sat around the table with Damara.

"He's rotten," Porrim said. "Absolutely rotten. No one should treat you like that. You're amazing, Dam. Anyone'd be lucky to have you."

"Yeah," Latula said. "You had every right to leave him behind. You…you did leave him behind, right?"

"Mm-hmm," Damara said. "I…I can't believe he'd do that to me."

"Rotten to the core," Porrim repeated.

"He was so good, though," Damara said. "He was so kind and sweet, and he gave me the most beautiful necklace when he said he wanted to marry me…"

"I'm sure he meant well," I said. "He mustn't have meant any harm. Doesn't excuse that he hurt you, of course."

"I thought this was going to work!" she moaned. "What am I going to do?"

"Weave," Porrim offered.

"Do laundry," Latula said.

"Sew," I suggested. "You have choices, Damara. No reason to force yourself to marry him-or anyone-if he's being terrible to you."

"It just hurts," she said.

"Of course it does," I said, taking her hand. "But you're worth more than that."

"Men never know what they have," Porrim said. "You deserve much better."

"The right person will make you really happy," Latula said. "You won't even know what hit you. You'll just be happy."

"I was happy," Damara said. "I was so happy!"

"Were you?" Porrim asked. "Or did you just get used to having him?"

"I don't know," Damara said miserably. "Does it matter?"

"I think so," Porrim said. I nudged her, because I didn't think this would help Damara much, not when it was so fresh and painful.

"Cry all you need to," I said. "It's alright."

She did start crying again, and so we sat with her until she felt better.

"Want to stay with me tonight?" I asked. "We have an extra room." Well, we sort of do. It's my mama's old room.

"No, thank you," she said. "I…I'll be alright. I'll go home and…and talk to my mother, and my sister. I'll manage."

"You'll be wonderful," I said.

"You don't need him," Porrim said.

"You'll find someone," Latula said.

"We'll walk you home," Porrim said, taking Damara's arm gently. "Thanks for the tea, Meulin."

"Of course, any time," I said. "Feel free to stop by any time, Damara."

"Thank you," she said, and the three of them left for the village.

I hope she feels better. I knew this would go horribly wrong, and I'm of the opinion that Rufioh deserved it. It won't last between him and Horuss, anyone could tell. They'll fade out before long.

13 March 1639

Horuss was over for lunch today and I could tell her felt guilty.

"I'm sure you heard about Damara," I said, and even I could hear the resentment in my voice.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"You're sorry?" I asked skeptically.

"It was wrong of me to continue to see Rufioh when I knew he was seeing Damara. I…I understand she is hurting a good deal right now."

"You're not kidding," I said.

"I'm sorry," he said again.

"I'm not the one you ought to apologize to," I said.

"You seem upset with me."

"Well, I am, somewhat. But I'm not the one you need to apologize to. Really, Rufioh ought to be apologizing, but that's not going to happen, certainly."

"I can ask him to."

"It's worth a try," I said. "But I think you ought to apologize to her, too. You knew what you were doing."

"I know," I said. "Can you forgive me?"

I felt a little softer for him asking and said, "Yes, I can. Whether or not she can is another matter. But you're my best friend, and I don't think you meant to hurt anyone, so…I'm not angry."

"Thank you," he said, sounding relieved.

I nodded. "Of course. Would you like some tea?"

"Allow me," he said. He does feel awfully responsible to Nepeta and me, and part of that is apparently offering to make tea every time I offer him. He's not even much older than me-hardly even a year! But his father was friends with my mother, and we are orphans, so I suppose it makes sense.

I don't mind. It's nice to know someone worries about us, even when we're alright.

16 March 1639

Kurloz was by today for supper, which he isn't often, but is nice. Nepeta says she likes him, and I like it when they get along! They're two of the most important people to me, so I'd like them to get along. He has a way with her, even though she's different in ways not many people understand. He's very kind, really, even though sometimes he has a bit of a temper. Well, who doesn't? I've been losing my temper with Rufioh lately.

Anyways, the food was good if I do say so myself and it was lovely to talk with my darling and my sister, and it was a nice evening.

20 March 1639

Kurloz was by for lunch today like he does, and so we talked about not much but also about our future.

"When does your sister turn eighteen?"

"In forty-one."

"Two and a half years?"

"Yes."

"And you can't marry before then?"

"No."

"No way?"

"Absolutely not. If she tries to get married before then, I won't let her. She'll be too young to know for sure. And I won't marry until she's old enough to be on her own."

"Alright," he said.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I know it's hard for you to wait. But I can't leave her."

"I know," he said. "It's just that my father has been finding young women for me to talk to, trying to catch my fancy. If we could marry, he might stop."

"Can't you tell him we're engaged?"

"I'm still trying to persuade him I can marry a common woman."

"You've got yourself a bit of quandary there!"

"Yes, I do," he agreed with a wry smile. "I am trying, I promise. And I promise you I will keep loving you. It's just hard to wait."

"I love you too," I said. "And I don't want to wait, either. But I have to."

He nodded, and sipped his tea.

It's true-I don't want to wait. I want to marry him right now and have a wonderful wedding night and have children together, and have a new life with him. I'm not sure what it'll be like, having all those new responsibilities, but I think it might be fun! It will certainly be a new adventure, and I'm always ready for that! I'm sure I'll find time to continue my midwife work, because that means more to me than anything, but I'll have all sorts of new jobs.

I do want to have a wedding night with him, too. When we kiss these days, there's this lovely shiver all up and down my spine, and my heart beats faster, and I feel this heat in my stomach somewhere. I want him! But we're not married, and I want to be married. Partially so there's no risk of being pregnant when I'm not married, and partially because I want it to be special. My mama told me when she told me about this that it's alright if you're not married, but it was always my choice. I want my wedding night to be special, so I'm going to wait.

I think my mama felt the same way, but to be honest, I never asked her. It never felt like quite the right moment to ask her about her love life.

I could read her journals and find out, I suppose, but I said I wouldn't and I won't. I won't.

25 March 1639

Nepeta finished the most beautiful needlepoint today, of a flower garden. It was absolutely gorgeous! I put it up on the wall with her others. You can tell by looking how much better she's gotten over the years. She wasn't bad when she started, but she's even better now. Sometimes for my birthday she'll embroider one of my skirts for me, and it's always beautiful. By now all of my skirts are decorated with lovely floral patterns I love! We must have the prettiest clothes of anyone in the village, thanks to her.

29 March 1639

Kurloz and I were kissing today and we were lying on the couch, him on top of me, when he ran a hand down my hair and to my chest.

I gasped aloud and pushed his hand away. "Kurloz!"

"Oh-I'm sorry. I thought it would feel nice."

"I-we're not married!"

"No, we're not, but this isn't-it's just touching. I'm sorry."

"No, no, it's alright," I said. And it was. It felt lovely once I got over the shock. "Um…you can…keep touching me there. It's alright."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said, feeling sure of myself for once.

"Alright," he said, and he kissed me again and he kept touching me, and it just felt…wonderful. I'm glad Nepeta wasn't home to hear me, because she is fifteen and old enough to know about this sort of thing, but this is my private life! Mine and his and no one else's.

I'm glad we have it.


	6. Mama's Stories

2 April 1639

Kurloz mentioned his friend Eliza again today.

"I'm not sure I can be friends with her anymore."

"Why not? Did she say something awful?"

"I can tell she still loves me. And I think it's just a recipe for disaster."

"How? You promised me, and I promised you; we're going to marry soon enough."

"I'm afraid she'll try to do something to disrespect our relationship," he said. "She keeps flirting with me, and I wish she wouldn't, but I can't be her friend and never talk to her at the same time. And every time we speak, she flirts!"

"You don't need to stop talking to her on my account," I said. "I don't mind-I trust you."

"I know," he said. "I love that about you. But I can't keep doing it."

"Alright," I said. "I understand. But if you change your mind, don't worry about me. Be friends with whoever you like."

"Thank you," he said.

I'm sorry he feels that way. I'm glad he doesn't feel like I'm forcing him to give up this friendship, because I don't think he has to, but I understand it would be awfully difficult to be friends with someone who didn't respect that I'm engaged. I probably wouldn't be friends with someone under those circumstances, either.

I'm glad Horuss doesn't like me that way. He's such a good friend, but he's never acted like he wants something else. I don't think he does! It's nice.

On the note of men I know, I saw Kankri today in the village and he went off on another lecture of his. He's going to drive me mad one of these days. No wonder Cronus likes him-they're the two most irritating men alive. They'd be perfect together.

Oh, that sounds awful. They would be good together, balance each other in a lot of good ways, but they do both irritate me in their own special ways. I'm not going to push them together; they'll have to do it all on their own. Normally I'm happy to help my friends find love, but I just have so little patience with those two. They'll drive me mad one of these days, I just know it.

5 April 1639

Latula and Porrim and Damara haven't had as much time to spend together lately, since Latula's married and Porrim has to take care of her aunt and I've had more work and Damara's been trying to work things out. I guess, basically, we're growing up. I'm sure the same happens to most people, but I like spending time with my friends! I don't want to lose that to age.

I suppose I haven't lost it yet, really. We still spend time together and have tea, and I do invite them over when I can. Maybe it just takes more effort when you're older.

10 April 1639

Nepeta found me today after I finished hunting and work and planting in the garden.

"Meulin, if you love Kurloz and you want to marry him, why don't you?"

"Because I won't until you're old enough."

"I'm plenty old enough!"

"I haven't even taught you to hunt, Kitty."

"You could. You could teach me to hunt while you plan your wedding."

"Kitty, I'm not going to. I don't want to leave you on your own before you're ready! If you're not, I can't just take it back and come home again."

"Fine," she said, and I could tell she was irate with me.

"I don't mean to treat you like a child-you're not," I said. "But I wasn't ready when Mama passed, even though I thought I was."

"Alright," she conceded. "But will you teach me to hunt?"

"When you're sixteen," I said.

She smiled and poked me. "You're silly."

"So are you, Kitty."

"Love you."

"Love you, too."

13 April 1639

Kurloz, sweetheart that he is, brought over some of the herbs I have trouble finding in the village today. There's just some that can really help but I must use sparingly because they're hard to find. I tried to pay him, but he insisted they were a gift. He said he knows my work is hard a lot of the time, and the least he could do was help a little.

It's very sweet of him. He knows that I have a lot to do, all the time, and it's so kind of him to help out when he can. And it's sweet when he surprised me like this! Sometimes I worry because I know these things he likes to give me are expensive, but he does have a lot of money, even if much of it is from having servants and such.

Once we're married, I'll have the kind of power I'd need to set about changing these things, the way my mama and her family tried to. I'll make changes so the money doesn't come out of some poor farmer's pockets. If that means less, so be it. I've had less all my life and I'm just fine. My children won't need all that wealth to be happy; I don't think giving up some of that will make them any less joyful.

I'm sure the old duke will object to it, but I don't care. He'll be old and it won't be his responsibility. He can rail all he wants, but the fact is he's old and his beliefs are hurting people. With a new generation comes new ideas, and my ideas will hurt fewer people, and that ought to be everyone's goal. It's certainly mine and my darling's!

17 April 1639

The forget-me-nots are starting to grow back in the clearing. They grow on their own, without Nepeta's or my help, but it's still a relief when they begin to grow back in the spring. As long as the forget-me-nots grow in the clearing, I think my mother and her old family will be remembered. Considering the good they did, I hope so.

Eight years ago yesterday, Mama found me in the alley. I'm so glad she did. If she hadn't, we both would've died.

21 April 1639

Horuss was by for lunch today, and I could tell he was worried again.

"Is it your father?" I guessed.

"What?"

"You seem tired. Is it your father's health again?"

He nodded.

"Let me come by and try a few things."

"We can afford to see a physician."

"I know. But I know a few things a physician might not. Let me try, at least. If I can help at all, wouldn't it be better for your father? Even if I can't, it won't do any harm."

His shoulders dropped, and he nodded. "Alright. Can you come visit in a few days?"

"A few days?"

"The physician is coming in two days. If he does suddenly recover, I would not want you to make the trip for nothing, when there are many who need your help and much work for you to do otherwise."

"I appreciate it," I said. "In the meanwhile, can you tell me his symptoms? What's wrong with him?"

"Well," Horuss said. "He has a fever. Low, but persistent. A cough, and he says he has an awful headache. He seems tired. And his eyes are bloodshot."

"Alright," I said, already thinking through what I might mix up. "Well, before I arrive, make him tea with lemon and honey. It'll help with the cough."

He nodded. "Thank you, Meulin."

"Of course. It's my work."

"I appreciate it nonetheless," he said.

I smiled. "Well, I'll see you then. I need to tend the garden."

I suspect influenza, and I do have remedies for that. Well, remedies-treatments, really. It's hard to treat disease, really, since we're not sure what causes it! My mother has books from far-off places that say disease is caused by tiny particles in someone's body, too small to see. It sounds correct, but we don't know how those cause diseases. I can't cure something whose causation is a complete mystery, not really.

But I can make them comfortable and manage the symptoms, and that helps a lot. Herbs that open someone's chest can save their life, or herbs that stop or cause vomiting. I hope I can help Horuss's father; he's my friend.

25 April 1639

I went to Horuss's home today with all my herbs and mixes, and when I arrived he opened the door and said, "The physician didn't help much. I hope you can."

"I'll do my very best." I went into his father's room and said, "Mr. Zahhak, I'm Meulin Leijon. I'm going to help you with some medicines."

He coughed and said, "Dianna?"

"No, Mr. Zahhak. I'm Meulin. Her daughter."

"Dianna, you've returned!"

"Mr. Zahhak, I'm not Dianna. She was my mother. She passed two years ago." Almost to the day. "I'm going to treat you."

He nodded vaguely, but he kept talking to me like I was my mother. I didn't try to stop him because I know sometimes, with people who have fevers, it's easy to be confused, and it's useless to correct them until they're better.

"Dianna, I am sorry, you must believe me…I should not have killed him."

"What?" I said, aloud.

"Please," he said. "I know I have told you before, but if you are back…I am sorry to have killed him. I know you loved him, and it hurt you…I am so sorry."

I kept mashing the herbs I'd selected (I had to give him a few different ones in different mixes, and then leave some behind for taking later), but said, "Mr. Zahhak, I am not Dianna. You don't need to apologize to me."

"Why are you calling me Mr. Zahhak? I do not call you Miss Leijon."

I choked on air. "I'm sorry?"

"We are friends, correct?" he said, sounding desperate. "We do not need to be so formal."

"What did you call me?"

"Miss Leijon?" he said. "Oh, I'm sorry. Mrs. Vantas. Please forgive me; my mind is going."

I didn't say anything to that, because I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't know that was my mother's maiden name. It's not a common last name; only the nobles in the area have it. How could she have had that name? And all that about killing her love? How could my mother have been friends with someone who killed her husband when she loved him so much?

"Take some of this," I said.

"Thank you," he said. "Dianna…I know we will never be friends as we once were, but please…I am so sorry."

I wanted him to feel better, so I said, "It's quite alright."

"Thank you," he said.

"Some of this, too," I said, giving him another sort of tea.

"If you are back…what of Luke?"

"Luke?"

"If you can be back, why not your family? I know you have missed them. I-your husband? Is he back? Could you bring him here?"

"He-I'm not Dianna. Nobody's back." Seeing him like that…I felt my heart breaking. He thought I was my mother. He thought he could make amends to me.

"I need to tell you something. I-I lied to you. I should not have. I was frightened."

"You don't need to tell me."

"I do. Your friend, your Simonn-he is not dead."

"I'm sorry?" My mama did talk about her best friend Simonn, but she said he passed away a long time ago. He has a headstone in the graveyard, for heavens' sake.

"He is not dead. Her Majesty has him. I could not bear for you to know the truth."

"It's alright," I said. "It's alright." If he didn't know I was me, I don't know if he'd know when it was. Simonn could be long dead by now for all I know. "Don't worry about that anymore."

He nodded, looking relieved.

"How are your daughters?" he asked.

"I am Dianna's daughter!" I said. "I'm Meulin."

"Yes, how is Meulin?"

"I am her! I…she's fine," I said, giving up. "Doing well. Learning the trade…and all that."

"You must be teaching her well," he said fondly.

"She did teach me well," I said.

"And Nepeta?"

"She's doing very well."

"Oh, that is very good to hear," he said. "Are you all eating enough? Do you have enough money for fabric and milk and such?" I suppose I know where Horuss gets it.

"Yes," I said. "We have enough. Take some of this."

"Are you feeling any better?" he asked.

"Feeling…better?" I asked.

"Are you drinking your tea?"

"Um…yes," I said. I don't know what tea he meant. "Of course. Every day."

"I'm glad," he said. "Please, tell me if you ever need anything. You know I am here for you."

"Yes…I do," I said. "I appreciate it."

"Dianna-"

"I'm not Dianna," I said, once more, as I handed him the last medicine-the one for the fever. "I'm her daughter, Meulin."

"Dianna, thank you for everything," he said.

"Of course," I said. "It's my work to heal people."

He smiled vaguely. "You have done me a great service."

"Mr. Zahhak, I have to leave now. I'm going to leave behind some medicines for you to take over the next few days, and if you don't feel better, please send for me so I can continue to treat you."

"I'll see you soon, Dianna. I'm so glad you're back."

"I'm not Dianna," I said, one more time. "I'm Meulin. Feel better."

I left and told Horuss roughly the same thing, and said, "I'm awfully tired. I'm going to go home. Come find me if he doesn't feel better."

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I am," I said. "This work is tiring. I'll be back in a few days to check on him, unless you need me to come back earlier."

"Alright," he said. "I will see you soon."

"See you."

I went home and now I'm puzzling over everything he told me. What is all this with Simonn? How did my mother have the maiden name Leijon, if she wasn't my blood mother? And did Horuss's father kill my mother's husband? How could they be friends after that?

I could probably find this out if I read her journals, but I can't. And I'm not sure I can ask Mr. Zahhak once he's coherent again. He thought I was my mama. He probably wouldn't have told me any of that or even mentioned if if he'd known who I was. When I go back…he might not even remember saying anything.

I suppose I'll find out.

28 April 1639

I went back today, and he was much better.

"Mr. Zahhak, do you remember seeing me three days ago?"

"Perhaps?" he said. "I am not sure."

"Alright," I said. "You have had influenza. I gave you some medicines to help you. I'm back to see how you're feeling."

"I was not feeling well," he said, sounding awfully disoriented. "I had the strangest dreams."

"That can happen with a fever," I said. "If you've been having nightmares, though, I can give you something to help you sleep." I didn't want him to remember thinking I was my mother.

"No, thank you," he said. Then he made a strange face, like he was remembering something from long ago. "Has anyone told you you look remarkably like your mother?"

"Yes," I said.

"She must have taught you well. I do feel much better."

"That's good to hear," I said. "I have a few more mixes for you to take, to help with your recovery. Just these two."

"Thank you," he said.

"Mr. Zahhak, can you tell me what symptoms you're experiencing?"

"My head aches," he said. "I have an awful cough, and my joints hurt as well. I am tired almost constantly. I do not think I have a fever anymore, as I am no longer disoriented."

"That's good," I said. "If your fever's down, you should be well on the way to recovery. Just send for me if you aren't feeling better in a few days."

He nodded. "Tell your mother hello from me."

"Mr. Zahhak, my mother passed away two years ago."

"Oh," he said. "Oh, yes. I-I remember now. I'm sorry."

"If you're having trouble with memory, I can help with that too."

"I have been losing my memory as of late, but I am not sure much can be done about it. Your mother was a wonderful woman. I hope you know that."

"She was," I agreed. "Is there anything else you need?"

"No," he said. "Thank you for doing the work you do."

"Of course," I said. "I ought to go. Have a nice day."

"You as well," he said, and he waved as I left.

If he's anything like Horuss, he's a truly terrible liar. So he probably does think he saw my mother in a dream, and he probably doesn't really remember me coming to treat him. If he does, it's in a dreamy kind of way. He doesn't remember telling me everything he did. And I probably can't ask him about any of it, either. He would probably panic and deny everything, say he was delirious.

Maybe I can talk it over with Kurloz. He might know something.

2 May 1639

I talked about it with Kurloz today, and he helped a little.

"There's just so much I don't know. What's all this with Simonn, and did Mr. Zahhak really kill my mama's husband, and how could they be friends after that, and how could my mother have my surname for her maiden name? I just don't understand!"

"I wish I could help you."

"You could ask your father," I said hopefully. "He might know something."

"I suppose," he said. "I'm not sure what he'd say. He might not tell me anything either."

"You don't have to," I said. "If you do, just…please tell me. There's just so much she never told me and…I don't know. I feel like she died before I had the chance to know her."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I can try. I don't know what my father would tell me, or how much of it would be the truth." He paused, then said, "Why can't you just find her journals?"

"I have. I'm not going to read them."

"What? Why not, if you want to know her?"

"They were private. I'm not going to take that from her."

"She's gone, Meulin."

"She is, but that doesn't mean I can just start going through her secrets. I won't want everyone to read my journals when I'm gone!"

He shrugged. "If that's what you want to do."

"What, do you think I shouldn't?"

"It's up to you, Meulin," he said, like he was frustrated.

"What's wrong? Do you think I should?"

"I think you need to cope with her death, and you can't keep acting as if she's still here."

"I am coping! I'm fine, really. I just want to treat her with respect, even after death."

"Alright," he said. "I understand. I wouldn't want to violate my mother's privacy, even now. I'll ask my father and see what he says."

"Thank you, Kurloz. I appreciate it."

"Of course, Meulin," he said softly.

Maybe he's right. I don't want to read her journals, still, but I can't keep acting like she might come back. She's gone. I need to live with that, and move forward. If I keep living in the past, I'll never make the new life for myself I want, and she wanted for me.

6 May 1639

Kurloz did ask his father about my mother, although he did just call her Disciple. He said he asked his father about "this Disciple woman" because he'd heard her name mentioned and was curious, so his father doesn't know he has any connection, just in case. (Also so his father doesn't know about me yet.)

"He said that she was a rebel, and she was captured back in twenty-three and her husband, the leader of the gang, was executed and the rest of her gang was sold into slavery. Apparently she survived because the executioner spared her life after she gave some speech."

"Did you ask who the executioner was?"

"Yes. My father said a man named Zahhak."

"So it's true."

"I suppose so. Meulin, I'm sorry…"

"What for?"

"He broke your mother."

"He did, but if she forgave him, so will I."

"You're going to forgive him?"

"It's not my place to be upset with him if my mother wasn't."

He shrugged and said, "Alright, if that's what you feel."

"It is," I said. My mama told me that people are good, really, and want to do what's right. So I trust that Mr. Zahhak, whatever he did, he wanted to do what was right. And if my mama forgave him for killing her love, what right do I have to hold it against him? I never even knew the man, and there was more than that in my mother's grief.

9 May 1639

Kitty said at dinner that I'm spending too much time with Kurloz again. Well, not in so many words, but she told me she feels like I'm not spending so much time with her. I'm glad she told me. I want to be a good sister and have my own life with my friends and my darling, and it can be a hard balance to strike! But as long as Kitty reminds me when I'm spending too much time away from her, I think I can manage.

14 May 1639

Porrim was over for tea today, and she said I'm not in the village so often.

"I'm busy so much these days! Midwife work, hunting, gardening, sewing, spending time with Kurloz, spending time with Nepeta-I have a lot to do!"

"Well, alright. You could spend less time with Kurloz."

"Porrim…"

"Men aren't worth it, Meulin. You're a romantic. I'm a realist."

"You're a cynic."

"Well, I think it's worth it to have friends outside a relationship."

"I do too! I am very busy. I want to be your friend, and I care about you a lot! It's just hard to find the time to go into the village not for work these days."

"Alright," she said. "I believe you. I can try to come out here more often, if that's easier for you."

"It is, but you have your aunt. I can try to visit you more often, too."

"My aunt's fine, and my sister can take better care of her than I can. I don't like her much anyway. She's been pushing me to find a man and settle down."

"Sounds irritating," I said. It does. I'm glad my mama always let me make my own choices when it comes to love and all that.

"It is," Porrim said. "My father says to be kind because she's old and his sister, but I'm low on patience with the woman. Kanaya handles it much better than me, even though she's in love with a woman. I've no idea how she does it."

"She'd be a good midwife," I said.

"I'm sure she would be," Porrim said.

"If she's ever interested, I'd love to teach her," I said. "It'd be easier to do this with two."

"I'll tell her," Porrim said.

"I have my mother's and her mother's notebooks, too," I said. "So she can always come have a look at those. They wrote down everything."

"Neither of us can read," Porrim said flatly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, wincing. "I could teach her."

"You could teach all of us," Porrim said. "I'd sure appreciate it."

I don't know why, but that statement hit me like a wave of exhaustion, and I felt so overwhelmed I had to sit down.

"Meulin, are you alright?"

"I-I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Hey, it's-it's alright. Meulin, can you look at me?"

I was shaking all over and I couldn't breathe, not really, and I could feel my eyes tearing up, and I remember something like this happening to my mother. She said they happened to her because of the hard things she'd seen and been through, but they could happen to anyone for a lot of reasons.

"I'm alright," I said. "I-I'm having a bad moment. I'm sorry."

"Nothing to apologize for, jeez. You dying?"

"No. It's just…something that happens, sometimes, to people. When there's too much happening. I need some tea…chamomile. And valerian, and lemon, if I have any. My mother's mix for calming the nerves."

"Need any help?"

"No, I can…" I tried to stand up, but my legs collapsed underneath me. "Yes, please."

"Just point me," Porrim said.

So I directed her to mix up the tea and then steeped a cup and drank it. "I'm sorry about that."

"It's alright," Porrim said. "You don't have to teach us to read, if you don't have time. If that's what you're worried about. It was just a suggestion."

"Sorry," I said. I'm not sure why. I just couldn't stop apologizing, and I don't know why.

"It's fine," she said, rubbing my back. "Hey. It's alright. Take a deep breath. You're fine."

"Thanks, Porrim," I said.

"Any time, Meu," she said.

I feel better now, but I don't know what that was about. My mama said that when those happen, it's your body giving you a sign that something is wrong, something emotional rather than physical. Maybe I am doing too much-trying to be too much. I need to take a rest. Maybe I should take a few days off from all my work, and just read and sleep and drink my favorite tea.

That sounds nice. Maybe I'll take a bath. I haven't in a couple of weeks, and my mama said we ought to bathe once a week. I'll warm up the water and everything!

It sounds heavenly. My mama always said it was important to look after yourself, especially as the midwife. She said if you're not doing well yourself, it's harder to really care for others. And I want to help others! That's the midwife's job. People in the village sometimes say how I'm young for a midwife, and how I've never had a baby, but I'm doing good work and helping people.

The last thing my mama did was teach me how to help someone have a baby, so I think I'm qualified, anyways.

Come to think of it, I don't know anything about my mother's first child. His name was Luke and he died when he was fourteen months old, but I don't know if he looked like his mother or his father, what his first word was, or how old he was when he stood up for the first time. She never talked about him much. I can only imagine it hurt.

I wish I knew the answers. I don't know much about my mother at all, it seems.

18 May 1639

Kurloz was over today for lunch, which was wonderful timing because tomorrow I'm going back to work. I've spent a few days not doing much, and Kitty said she was glad I was resting a little. I spent a lot of time with her, reading and walking in the woods and going to the clearing and just talking. Anyways, we talked some, and I told him about taking a rest.

"I needed to rest, so I can do my work better."

"Meulin, you are an angel," he said with the sweetest smile.

"Thank you," I said, blushing terribly.

"I mean it," he said sincerely.

I went very red and looked down.

"I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime," he said shyly.

"That sounds nice," I said. "How does a walk in the woods sound?"

"Oh, I had an idea," he said. "If you'll promise to be out of the house after five and come home before seven."

"Alright," I said. "Sounds exciting!"

"I hope so," he said, with the cutest smile. He's just the sweetest! I'm sure he's planning to cook for me, and maybe…oh, I don't know what he'll do! It's kind of exciting. He's probably picked something he knew I'd like, to surprise me. He does like to surprise me! It feels very nice. He tries to take care of me and make me feel cherished. I think he knows I just feel so wrung out and tired that if he just does everything, I can relax, and that's what I need.

I'm glad I can talk to him about how worried I get. It's easy to feel overwhelmed, and talking to him about it always makes me feel better. It's also nice to be able to help him with his problems with his father. I know it's hard for him, with his father just…being the way he is. His father's wife isn't much help, either; she's quiet and dutiful, and she really only talks to Kurloz when he talks to her first.

I think this is what it's supposed to be, to love someone. We can talk to each other and help each other, and he knows what I need, and I know what he needs. It's good.

22 May 1639

Our outing was today! It was lovely.

I spent the two hours in the village with my friends, talking about nothing and laughing together, and when I returned home he'd cooked and set the table with a delicious meal.

"Your sister already ate," he said. "This is just for us."

I smiled and sat, and the food was delicious. I think he brought some food from home, because what I have and normally eat is not nearly that nice. Once we were done, we walked north, towards his home, and I realized we were going to the theater!

"A play?" I asked.

"Yes," he said. "A comedy. I think you might like it."

I smiled and said, "I'm sure I will."

He smiled back so sweet I thought I might melt.

Once we were at the theater, he led me up to a seat near the center. I've never actually sat in a theater before! I could feel people staring at us, and I didn't like that much, but it was nice to sit to watch the play. It was very funny! I laughed aloud so much my stomach hurt. It felt so good to relax and enjoy myself with my darling.

I think I ought to talk to him about these things, though. He says it's no skin off his back to spend money on nice things for me, but when he does it too much I feel a little nervous about how I can't really repay him. The only way I could repay him is once we're married, and then it would still be his money. I haven't mentioned it, of course, and I can't expect him to know what I'm thinking if I don't say it, so I just have to say it.

Oh, that doesn't matter now! The night was wonderful, and he walked me home, and when we were home I kissed him for a long, long time. His lips are so soft and he kisses so well, so much better than even a month or two ago. The play was exactly what I liked, and the food was delicious.

It's good. I love him.

27 May 1639

Horuss was over today, and I couldn't resist telling him about the play, even though I know he doesn't approve of such frivolity.

"It was amazing," I said. "I don't think I've ever laughed so hard."

"Hm," he said. "Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"I know you don't like theater," I said. "But I love it!"

"Well, to each his own, I suppose," Horuss said. "Was it expensive?"

"I did not spend money I need on a play," I said. "Kurloz paid for it. How are you two getting on, anyways?"

"Decently well," Horuss said. "He is actually quite interesting."

I smiled. "I knew you two would be friends!"

He smiled back, which is rare for him.

"Oh, um. Horuss. I've been meaning to ask. Is there any way you could ask your father about my mother? I know they were friends. I just have so many questions…"

"Are there any in particular you would like me to ask?"

"I want to know what he meant about Simonn. And how she had my last name for her maiden name!"

"Her maiden name was Leijon?"

"Yes. I don't know how she could be related to the local nobles!"

He choked on his tea. "I'm sorry?"

"Did I never-Horuss, my blood parents are the Lord and Lady Leijon. I ran away from home because they were starving us, and once my mother found me and took me in, I went back for Kitty. There's no one else in the area with this surname."

"Your blood parents were looking for you!"

"I'm sure they were, but they think we're dead. They don't deserve to call us their daughters, after what they did."

"What did they do?"

"They starved us. We had plenty, and they forced us to go hungry. We had nights we thought we'd die from the pain."

"Do you not think they cared? That they went looking for you?"

"Maybe they did. But they didn't look very hard if they didn't find us, and they…they had chances. I ran away when I was eleven, after nights of begging them on my knees for food. If they didn't see what was wrong then, they never would. My mama loved Nepeta and me. She raised us. Even if we weren't always full, she never held anything back."

Horuss looked uncomfortable, a bit like Kurloz did. I suppose if you've never heard of such a thing, it must seem mad and scandalous. But Mama raised us, and loved us, and taught us to love ourselves. We didn't have much, and we don't now, but she always gave us what she could. And when I was tired or sad or hurting or hating myself, she would be there for me.

My mama loved me. Anyone who thinks that she was wrong to do what she did for me can leave me alone.

1 June 1639

It's getting to be awfully hot out. But Latula came over to my home today to invite me to a birthday party, Mituna's! I'm excited for it. I think it'll be fun! Their first party as a couple in their own home! We are all growing up, aren't we? Hosting our own parties for our own friends to eat and drink and be merry (though I hope tomorrow we don't die!).

It's going to be such fun!

5 June 1639

Today was Mituna's party! It was such fun. The two of them cooked a delicious meal for us, and it was such fun to spend time with my dear friends. Horuss was there, but Kurloz and Cronus and Meenah weren't-it was too far to come to visit.

Damara said she was glad Meenah wasn't there. I wasn't sure why, but Damara told Latula and Porrim and me that Meenah's been taunting her about all that nonsense with Horuss and Rufioh. So I told her next time I saw Meenah I'd give her a piece of my mind. Why does she have to be so cruel?

It was great fun nonetheless, and I'm ready to go to bed. What a good day!

8 June 1639

I woke up feeling a bit tired today, so I decided not to hunt and instead garden and maybe go into the village if someone sent for me. I'm trying to be better about taking care of myself when I need to. I certainly can't take care of Kitty if I feel like I'm about to fall apart.

I hope Horuss works up the courage to ask his father about my mother. I want to know! I asked him again today, and he said he might.

11 June 1639

Horuss did ask his father. He told me today what he found out.

"I asked my father what he knew about the Disciple."

"And?"

"He asked me why I was curious. I told him you had asked me to ask."

I groaned and smacked my head on the table. "Horuss!"

"I'm sorry?"

"You can't tell him I'm asking! Or he'll never tell me or you anything!"

"He told me to invite you for tea sometime, and he'd talk with you."

"What? Really?"

"Yes."

"I-when? Now?"

"Not now. Perhaps in a few days? He does not see people often, these days. It will be a good bit of effort for him."

"I don't have to," I said. "If he's not up to it."

"No," he said. "He insisted that he was well enough to see you, and would not permit me to take a message."

"Alright. I can probably come by in a few days."

He nodded. "I'm sure my father will be happy to see you."

"I'll be happy to see him, especially if he's willing to talk to me about my mother."

So I suppose I'll be finding out a thing or two about my mother soon. I hope he's willing to tell me about her last name, even if he probably won't talk about killing her husband. I won't ask him, either. He's almost fifty, and I think it would be bad practice as the midwife to push someone to the edge of mental capacities.

14 June 1639

I went to see Mr. Zahhak today for tea, and when I arrived he was sitting very upright in an armchair with a book in Latin. Horuss's whole family is a bit prone to pretension, but they'll stop if you point it out.

"Mr. Zahhak?"

"Meulin Leijon," he said. "It's nice to meet you."

"I've met you before," I said.

"Yes, as the midwife. Personally, I do not believe we have spoken much."

"No, not much."

"I understand you have some questions about your mother," he said, more kindly now.

"I do, if that's alright." I felt a bit odd talking to him, because he was my mother's friend and he's a proper adult in ways I'm not. He's kind enough, but it's always unnerving to talk to someone who knows what they're doing in life. Or perhaps that's me, because I don't know what I'm doing and I'm afraid I never will.

"Of course it is," he said. "There was much your mother wanted to tell you, and her passing was untimely considering her health."

"Who was Simonn?" I asked, unable to hold it in anymore.

"Simonn…Simonn was your mother and her husband's dearest friend. The three of them knew each other since childhood and he was part of their…rebellion, as it were."

"Oh," I said. "Their rebellion?"

"Yes," he said. "I'm sure she told you of it. She left home not two years after her Luke passed away."

"Was he her only child?"

"Yes," he said.

"Do you know why?" I asked. My mother wanted children, so why didn't they try again?

"She could not," he said. "It made her quite ill. I do not know exactly what happened, but she became very ill one day while we were walking, and not long after that she mentioned she would never have another child."

I don't know how he's managed to be married for so long and have two children and not know what a miscarriage is. I suppose my mama had a couple of bad miscarriages, after which any reasonable midwife like her mother-in-law was would tell her not to try to have children. I suppose I can understand why she wouldn't talk about it-why she'd rather focus on the two of us, blood children or not.

"She was overjoyed to have you two," he said. "She was thrilled that she had two lovely daughters. She adored you both."

"I know," I said.

"Good," he said.

"How did she have our last name?"

"She had her husband's last name," he said carefully. He's a terrible liar. No wonder my mama thought him the most honest man she'd ever met. I'm sure even her husband, as honest as she described him, could lie better than that.

"Before that. Her maiden name was Leijon. How is that possible?"

He sighed. "How do you have your surname?"

"My blood parents gave it to me."

"She had her surname the same way."

"She's not blood related to me."

"Did she speak to you ever of her blood parents?"

"Yes. Her father was a trader and her mother drank and called her names."

"They were not her blood parents. She was given to them as an infant, when our good kingdom was struggling financially and the lord and lady did not wish to have more daughters to burden them."

"More daughters?!"

"Surely you know your blood mother is a daughter of the Leijon family."

"So-so-my mama's my aunt?"

"Yes, I suppose so. Your blood mother's blood sister."

"Why didn't she tell me?"

"I cannot imagine you felt safe with your blood parents, if you ran from them. She felt you may not trust her if she had your surname."

"Oh," I said again, sipping my tea. My head was spinning wildly and I felt a little dizzy. My blood aunt. No wonder we all look so similar. I always thought it was just coincidence that I looked just like her.

"Your mother cared deeply for you," Mr. Zahhak said. "She wanted the best for you and your sister."

"I know," I said. "She loved us. She always said so."

"She did good work," he said. "The whole village is grateful to her."

"They called her Mary Smith. They don't know it was her."

"She did not feel it safe to use her Christian name in the village, after all that happened. But nonetheless, it was to her they expressed gratitude."

"All that happened?" I asked. I suppose I know it wasn't the most honest thing ever, but I wanted to know if he would admit to what happened between him and my mother's husband.

"When Her Majesty ended their rebellion," he said delicately. He's an awful lot like Horuss that way-he's certainly not sympathetic enough to my mother's cause to agree with her, but not sympathetic enough to the current ruling party to agree with them. So instead he occupies this middling space, agreeing with no one and only protected by people like my mother as a matter of principle (although I think she did hold a certain fondness for Mr. Zahhak, like I do for Horuss).

"What happened with that?" I asked.

He went awfully red. "It is not a happy story, Meulin. Perhaps it is best to let it be." I didn't really expect him to admit to breaking my mother's heart, so I didn't ask again. I don't know how she forgave him. I'm not sure I ever could, if someone killed my darling in front of me like that.

"Alright," I said.

After that, we didn't talk about anything serious. He talked about a few books he had read, and I told him about some of my favorite novels. It was kind of nice to have to my questions answered.

As I was leaving, he said, "And tell your sister hello from me."

"I will."

"If either of you find yourselves in need, please ask me for assistance."

"We will. Thank you."

"You're welcome," he said. "Have a nice day."

"You too."

I went home, feeling profoundly off-kilter, and just laid back on the couch for an hour or so, until Kitty came home and found me lying there.

"Meulin?"

"Hm?" I said.

"Linny, what's wrong?" she asked.

"I went to talk with Mr. Zahhak today about Mama. He…there's a lot that happened between them."

She wrinkled her nose. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Not like that," I said. "They were friends. I mean…okay, promise you won't tell Mr. Zahhak I told you?"

"Yes."

"He killed her husband. They were captured when the queen decided to crush their rebellion and he was the executioner. So…Mr. Zahhak killed Mama's love."

"Oh."

"You can still be friends with Equius," I said. "Mama wasn't mad about that. She was friends with Mr. Zahhak, so she forgave him at least a little bit."

"What about Simonn?"

"When did I mention Simonn to you?"

"At dinner a few nights ago. You said you were frustrated how Mama didn't tell us a lot of things."

"Right, right," I said. "Simonn was Mama's best friend. And he died-or didn't die-I don't know, I didn't ask about that-after their revolution." She sighed. "I should've asked about Luke."

"Hm," Nepeta said. "He'd be our brother."

"He would be," I said. I didn't mention that I don't think our mama would've been able to care for three children with such a heavy heart. But maybe if Luke hadn't passed her heart wouldn't have been so heavy?

Well, it doesn't matter much, I suppose. What happened is what happened. I can't go back and change it, much as I might want to. I do wonder what it would have been like to have an older brother, especially since he would have been nineteen when Mama passed. I wouldn't have to take care of Kitty on my own. I'm sure the three of us would be friends, and maybe by now he'd be married and we'd go to his wedding.

Well, I can speculate all I please, but I'm not sure it means anything.

18 June 1639

Kitty was not feeling well today and so I mixed her up something for a headache and asked her if something was bothering her.

"I still like Karkat," she said. "He's just so perfect. I don't want to like him anymore, but I can't stop!"

"It's alright, Kitty," I said. "It's hard to just stop having feelings for someone. It takes a lot of time, and it'll be a while until you do feel better."

"I know," she said. "I just wish it didn't."

"Well, try not to be upset with yourself," I said. "Feelings are just feelings. You don't need to ever be upset with yourself for feeling them."

She nodded. "I love you, Linny."

"Love you too, Kitty."

I feel sorry for her. It's hard to stop feeling that way about somebody, and she must be really hurting right now. And there's no way to get away from it in this village; it's too small, and with all of them being friends, she can't really get too far away from him for a chance to feel however she needs to without him in the way.

Well, I want to help her, but I don't really know how. I have my darling-I don't need to stop feeling any way about him. As long as I keep loving him, everything will be fine. Honestly, right now, I don't think I could not be in love with him. Perhaps I'm young and ignorant, but I don't think I'll ever not love him. And if every time I see him, I remember everything I love about him, I think I'll be alright.

23 June 1639

I told Kurloz about talking with Mr. Zahhak, and about Simonn and my mama also being my blood aunt. He was pretty surprised, but agreed with me that it explains how much I look like her. They only met once, briefly, and he thinks we looked just alike.

I do have that picture of her, the one her best friend drew. I asked her about it once and she laughed, lighter than normal, and said he'd drawn it when they were young-when she was just sixteen or seventeen. She said he also drew family pictures of them, but I've never found those pictures.

Anyways, in the picture, she looks just like me. We could be twins.

27 June 1639

I want so badly to have a daughter someday. I want to pass on what I know to her, and I want to teach her to read and write, and I want to give her the best life I can. I want to love her. I can't say I'd be disappointed to have a son, because I just want children, but I do want to have a daughter.

Kitty finished the loveliest embroidery today on one of her shirts. She likes to put it around her sleeves so she can rub her thumbs over it when she's worried or there's too much happened, and so it is both beautiful and useful. I know she's different from other people, but she's so brilliant and kind and clever that I don't think it matters at all.


	7. Gone Girl

1 July 1639

Horuss was by today for lunch. He fussed about if we're eating and all that, but it's summer, so of course we are! It's good weather for hunting and the garden is doing very well. I wish I had my mother's green thumb, but this is plenty enough.

It's good that someone worries about us! I don't really need him to, but it's nice.

4 July 1639

Kurloz was by today. He brought a package of nice food-sugar and cocoa and such. I thanked him, but I wish he wouldn't, so I told him.

"I really do appreciate it, my dear, but I wish you wouldn't do all this."

"Why not? They're gifts."

"I know, but you spend so much on me and I can't give you much back."

"Meulin, I don't expect you to pay me back," he said, sounding offended.

"I don't think you do," I said. "It's nothing to do with you. I just wish you wouldn't give me all these nice things."

"But you're wonderful," he said. "I meant it when I said you were an angel. Why shouldn't I get you nice things, when I have the money to?"

"Because I don't want you to," I said. "I don't need sugar or cocoa or diamonds. Much as they're nice to have, I just don't want them."

"What do you want, then?"

"I don't want anything!" I said. "Please."

"Fine," he said, a little irate. "But I do want to show you I love you."

"Then tell me," I said. "I love you, and I think you're handsome and brilliant and wonderful. Just tell me-that's all."

"I do love you," he said sincerely.

I smiled and he smiled back, soft and gorgeous.

We talked some about his father and his father's attempts to find women for him. Besides Eliza, who his father would love him to marry, there's dozens of noblewomen who would give their eye teeth to marry such a powerful duke. He's trying desperately to explain to his father that he thinks marrying a common woman would be a good idea politically (his father would never say he should marry for love), but it's slow going.

He says all the women he's meeting are the same, anyways-empty-headed and coldhearted. He says none of them are quite like me-none so wonderful or clever or half as beautiful, he said. I'm blushing just thinking about it. He's so sweet, and so kind to me! I don't have the melancholy my mother did, but I don't really think I'm anything special. I'm just a common woman from a small village, but he makes me feel so special and loved.

I'm glad I'm going to marry him, as soon as Nepeta's old enough. I'm glad we have a future together.

9 July 1639

Verity had her baby today. It's not much of an event for me anymore, really, but it took much longer than normal and I only barely saved the baby by basically pulling her out. I'm at Verity's home now, caring for her, because she lost a lot of blood, and making sure she can hold her baby as much as possible even as weak as she is. It's my job to help her, after all.

It's not glamorous work, being a midwife, but it's important.

14 July 1639

I think today was my mother's husband's birthday. She said when he was alive it was sunny for his birthday every year, and once he died it rained every year. It rained today, but not the whole day, so I suppose that's both and neither.

Maybe I should teach my friends to read and write. Kurloz and Horuss and Cronus and Meenah can, of course, but none of my other friends can. Writing is the most important thing my mother ever taught me. She taught me how to put my thoughts into words on a page and how to prove to the world that once, I was here. I want my friends to be able to read and write, too. There's a power to it that I can't really explain, but that has always helped me. No matter how awful I feel, my journal will listen sympathetically.

I feel like I could, now. When Porrim first suggested it, it was too much. I think I could, now. I'll ask if they want to.

17 July 1639

I asked Porrim today.

"I could maybe teach you and your sister and some others to read and write, if you like."

"Are you sure?" Porrim asked, barely concealed excitement in her voice.

"Yes," I said. "I might not be able to do it often, but I would love to teach you."

"Thank you," she said, more sincere than I've ever heard her.

"Bring your sister, too. I'll teach all of you."

"Of course," she said. "Are you sure you can?"

"Yes," I said. "I know what I have time for."

"Then I'll be by in a few days," she said. "And feel free to kick us out if you have things to do. I know how that can be-it can be a bit mad in my house with my aunt."

"Of course," I said. "Thank you."

So I suppose I'll be doing that, now. I hardly remember how my tutor taught Kitty and me, but I do remember how my mama taught me. I suppose we'll see what happens. It must be different learning to read as an adult. I hope I can teach them!

21 July 1639

Porrim and her sister Kanaya and Latula and her sister Terezi were all over today. Nepeta even stayed to see. I asked about Damara, because I thought she would want to learn, but no one's seen her in a couple of days. I know Meenah's been around lately, so maybe Damara's hiding. We've all tried to persuade Meenah to leave Damara alone, but she always just says that Damara needs a thicker skin. I know that's absurd, but I don't know how to persuade Meenah otherwise. And I worry about how it's affecting Damara-she doesn't spend time as much with us these days.

Well, that's a problem for another time. Today I started by teaching my friends the alphabet, and slowly how to write the first few letters. By the time I had to send them home so I could hunt and harvest the garden, they all knew the first few letters.

It will take time. It's harder when you're an adult, to learn to read and write, but I'm determined to teach them. I think everyone should know how.

25 July 1639

I told Kurloz about teaching our friends today.

"You're teaching them all to read?"

"Yes. Everyone should be able to! If I teach them, they'll teach their children, and maybe they'll teach someone else, until everyone knows how!"

"Don't you think they'll be corrupted, by all the nonsense out there?"

"Well, I haven't been, and all our friends are plenty intelligent, so…no, not really."

He frowned, then said, "Alright. Well, if you're sure."

"I am sure." I've never been so sure about something. Writing is the most important thing I do for myself. It's everything to me. I want to give that to all of my dear friends.

He talked some about his father's suitors for him, this woman named Mary who's about as dull as can be and, according to his father, a truly lovely girl. His father is really driving him mad! My mama's mother was cruel to her and hurt her, and that was part of her melancholy, and I worry that my darling's father will drive him to the same. I try so hard to be here for him, so he can know that at least someone loves him for reasons beyond his potential as a duke or husband. He's a wonderful man, and so supportive about the difficulties in my life. I'm so glad I have him.

30 July 1639

Horuss was by again today, and he fussed (as always) over whether or not we have enough. Honestly, I think I'm in control of things right now. We do have enough to eat, and the village respects me as the midwife, and the writing is going well, and I have my sister and my friends and my darling, and it's going to be alright.

I will admit a bit of jealousy of the women my darling is meeting. He swears he doesn't love them, he loves me, and nothing will change that, and I trust him. It's just that they have everything I don't and can't have-money, luxury, extraordinary good looks, training in how to act in court. They have dowries, and advantageous political positions, and all that. He bought me a diamond ring! I don't think he's going to up and leave me for one of them. But I can't help some of the jealousy that creeps in when he talks about why his father wants him to marry those women. I won't tell him, because I think it would make him feel worse, but it's there.

Well, like my mama said, feelings are just feelings, and it's alright to feel them, and you don't have to act on them. I don't have to do anything about feeling jealous. I just have to trust him. And I can do that easy.

2 August 1639

Kitty's birthday is in a few days! I'm going to teach her to hunt. She has excellent aim at the target behind the home, and I think she'll be good.

When she's good at hunting, then I can marry and leave her. That's when I know she'll be alright. Especially if Horuss keeps checking up on us every week! He's sweet-it's nice.

5 August 1639

Kitty turned sixteen today! I'm so proud of her. For a gift, I gave her her own bow and arrows in a proper adult size, not the small ones my mama taught us with. It was incredibly expensive, but I've been saving all year and so I could afford a very pretty one made of yew, a leather quiver, and twelve good arrows with blue feathers. It's much prettier than my mama's old bow and arrows, but I don't mind. Kitty loved it, and she's thrilled to learn to hunt for real.

She had her friends over for a birthday dinner, and so I stayed in the library with a book until it was late and I went to sleep. Button curled up with me tonight, which was nice. She's a very soft cat.

9 August 1639

Kurloz says he knows I don't like presents, but he does want to get me something for my birthday, at least. I wasn't sure about it, but I told him alright because he really just wants to be kind to me-he doesn't mean to make me nervous by being so generous. I told him please, nothing ostentatious or too expensive, so he said alright.

I took Kitty out hunting with me today, and even though she didn't shoot anything, she came pretty close a few times. I helped her find her arrows (her favorite color is green, but I knew we'd never find green arrows, so I went with her second favorite), shot a couple of rabbits for dinner, and told her that she was doing very well. She is! She'll be as good as I am in no time. I'm glad my mama taught me this. It keeps us alive, and it means that we'll never have to depend on anyone else for our food.

13 August 1639

Teaching my friends to read and write has been going very well! Nepeta sometimes stays home to help out Kanaya and Terezi because they're more her friends than mine. All of them are doing very well, and learning faster than I thought. The hard part is connecting the sound of a word to the word written, so every time they're over I've been having them read aloud to me whatever they can from the books in the library. It's hard to learn to read! They're all doing amazingly well.

15 August 1639

I turned twenty today! I invited my friends over, and they all came for supper, and it was just such fun! I love them all so much. The food was pretty good, and everyone seemed to like it, and we stayed up drinking wine and talking about not much until it was dark out and everyone had to go home.

Kurloz gave me a gorgeous golden necklace, the most delicate little chain with a purple sapphire pendant. It's not very flashy or obvious, and I love how it looks on me. He came over in the afternoon, before everyone else arrived, and he told me to close my eyes and hold up my hair. I did, and he clipped together the clasp behind my neck and led me over to my mirror, and then told me to open my eyes.

It was a surprise to see it, but it was so beautiful I couldn't believe it. He's so thoughtful. He knew I wouldn't like something too flashy or obvious, so he picked something beautiful and subtle. Like my ring, I think I will wear it every day.

20 August 1639

Damara was at my birthday, but I haven't seen her since, and I'm beginning to worry. Meenah was so cruel to her her (she was not invited to my birthday!), and she was so heartbroken when it all collapsed. (Incidentally, Horuss and Rufioh aren't seeing each other anymore either. What goes around and all.) I think I might stop by her home to see how she is soon, to see if she's alright.

22 August 1639

Today is my mama's birthday. Kitty and I went to the clearing today for a long time, and I talked very quietly to her about how much I missed her and how Kitty's learning to hunt and I'm engaged and I'm teaching my friends to read and write, like she did.

I still miss her. Kurloz is right-I do need to move on. It's just so hard, when I loved her and she loved me so much, and when I was so unprepared for her to go.

Maybe one day I won't miss her so much. Maybe one day this won't hurt so much, and when I go to the clearing I'll see her grave and remember the first day we made crowns of flowers together in front of the house while the sun was shining and the world was golden.

26 August 1639

I went to Damara's home today. Her mother was there, and her sister, but she wasn't.

"Where's Damara?" I asked Aradia.

"I don't know," she said, sounding remarkably unconcerned.

"Haven't you seen her?"

"Not in a while," she said mildly. "She's probably alright."

"Can I ask your mother?"

"Alright," Aradia said. "Mother!"

Mrs. Megido came to the door and said, "Meulin, nice to see you." She's a reserved woman, but she is kind.

"Nice to see you too, Mrs. Megido. Have you seen Damara?"

She frowned. "No, not in a few days. I hoped she might be with you."

"No, I haven't seen her since my birthday on the fifteenth."

"Oh dear…" she said, trailing off and twisting her hands together. "I worried about this…"

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing," she said, sounding distracted. "I-would you mind looking for her? I don't want to leave Aradia."

"Of course," I said. "We all will. She's our friend."

"Thank you," Mrs. Megido said gratefully. "Best of luck."

"Thanks," I said, and I went to find Porrim and Latula.

We're going to look for her in the village and the surrounding area first, and then if we have to, start looking in other villages and maybe, if we have to, the city. I don't know why she would vanish like this. I don't know what she could be doing, or where she could be. We're all worried about her. Porrim said she was willing to travel to the city if that's what it took to find her.

We're going to find her.

29 August 1639

I told Kurloz today about the search for Damara. "She's vanished. No one-not even her mother-has seen her since my birthday. We're worried."

He frowned, all concerned, and said, "Yes, of course. Well, I can look around the city some, and perhaps use some of my father's resources to look fo her. Do you know why she left?"

"I think it's because of Meenah and how cruel she was. But her mother mentioned there might be another factor. I don't know. Maybe it's her missing aunt?"

"Missing aunt?"

"Yes, didn't you know? One of Damara's aunts has been missing since she was a little girl. Her mother and her mother's sisters have looked for her, but never found her. Damara was always curious about her-she told us once. I suppose she could be looking for her."

"Hm," Kurloz said, like he was thinking very hard. "I'll look for her. I might have an idea of where she could be."

"Thank you," I said. "Thank you so much."

"Of course," he said.

We start looking tomorrow. I hope this works out.

1 September 1639

We've scoured the village, every inn and boarding house, every brothel and bar, every alley and market stall. She's nowhere to be found. I've been checking the woods as I hunt, because Damara mostly wears red and so she'd be easy to spot, but she's not there, either.

Kurloz's search hasn't turned up much of anything yet, but he says he has a hunch. Porrim's going to the city tomorrow to help him search. I hope they find her. I'm worried.

5 September 1639

Damara's still missing, and Meenah doesn't seem to care. She was in town today with Cronus and Kurloz, and she just shrugged when Latula and I told her Damara's missing (Porrim's still in the city, searching).

"Well, she was never very stable," Meenah said.

"How can you say that? You're the one who made her unstable," I snapped.

"I was trying to teach her something. It's not my fault she can't learn," Meenah said loftily.

Latula scoffed. "You're just crazy. Come on, Meulin, let's go."

I nodded, and we left.

Meenah is out of her mind if she thinks her cruelty had nothing to do with Damara vanishing like she did. It's definitely part of the reason.

After she left, I talked with Kurloz, who says there's no news. He and Porrim have been searching for Damara and her missing aunt, in case Damara went looking for her, but they haven't found either of them, and they haven't gotten much closer. Mrs. Megido is fretting terribly, but Aradia seems largely unmoved. Nothing much moves her at all, really. Nepeta said she likes Aradia, but she has been acting odd.

Maybe when Damara comes back, she'll be better. The two of them can help each other, and I'll do my best to keep Meenah away. No one should be allowed to be so cruel.

We have to get Damara back. She needs to come home.

8 September 1639

Damara came home today. We didn't find her; she came back of her own accord. She came home, and the first person she saw was Rufioh. I know this because she beat him within an inch of his life. Next she went to see Horuss, which I know because she beat him, too, though less. And then she went to her home, didn't speak to anyone, and locked herself in her room.

I've been treating Rufioh and Horuss, because that's my job. Rufioh's strong, but Damara was so angry that no matter what he did to strike back, she just kept coming. It' mostly surface injuries, but Rufioh may not be walking again for a while, and Horuss took a bad hit to the head.

I don't know why she did this, or if she's out of her mind, or what. She won't see anyone, not even her own mother or sister. I don't know what's wrong.

11 September 1639

Damara still won't see anyone. Rufioh and Horuss are on the mend, and Porrim's home, and the news from Kurloz is that her missing aunt is really gone, and nothing's changed. I don't know if I can help her, or if anyone can, really. She's always been close with Porrim, but I don't know if that's what she needs right now. How did this all become such a mess?

16 September 1639

Damara was gone again for three days, but she came back today, and Kurloz came to my home and told me that she tried to kill Meenah.

"She barely escaped. No one but us knows it was her, or she'd be executed in a heartbeat. Meenah's being treated by the best doctors in the country right now-she'll be fine."

Honestly, I don't really care about Meenah that much anymore, but I am glad she'll be alright. It's good that I don't have to treat her myself, though; I don't think I could be as impartial and nonjudgmental as I ought to be. "That's good."

"I won't tell," he said. "I don't think she deserves that."

"Me neither," I said. "I think she needs our help right now."

"Please promise me you'll be careful," he said.

"I will be," I said. "But I don't think she'd hurt me. I never tried to hurt her. She might not be well, but she's not completely out of her mind, and she knows what she's doing."

"Alright," he said reluctantly. "I just couldn't stand it if you were hurt."

"I know," I said. "I will be careful. But she needs us now."

"Alright," he conceded.

I think she does need us now. I'll go with Porrim and Latula to see her, and maybe between the three of us we can help her.

19 September 1639

We did go to see her today, and we tried. We really did. I told her we still cared about her and whatever Meenah said to her, it was going to be alright, and Latula told her we'd take her to the pub and have a drink and just have fun like we used to, and Porrim said yeah, she'd messed up, but it wasn't too late and we still cared about her.

Damara didn't say anything at first, and I thought she might be thinking about what we said, but then quick as a fox she grabbed a knife and went for my throat, screaming about how I'd betrayed her. I pushed her off, but she sliced open my right arm. I was bleeding so badly I had to leave to get Kitty to stitch me up.

Maybe it's because I'm treating Rufioh and Horuss. It's my job to treat them! Anyways, I don't think violence is ever a good solution. I don't think she should have done what she did.

If she's going to try to kill me, too, I can't help her. I must admit I'm low on patience with her. She was one of my best friends, and then she…she tried to kill three people and then me. What's wrong with her? How could she do that to me when I tried to help her?

And this cut hurts terribly. How could my friend do that to me?

23 September 1639

I think I have to give up on Damara. I was talking to Kurloz and I told him about her cutting me, and he reached out for my arm and saw the cut and said, "Meulin! You could've-you could've died! Are you alright? Why-are you going to be okay? Do you need to see a doctor? Or some medicines?"

"Kurloz, I'm fine," I said.

"If you're sure," he said. "Are you going to keep trying?"

"I might try again," I said. "I really do think she might get better."

"But she might try to hurt you again," he fretted. "She's not stable."

"I think she deserves another chance."

"If you say so," he said, doubtful.

"Do you not think I should?" I asked.

He sighed. "I trust your judgement. But I am really worried about you if you keep spending time with a woman who's tried to kill four people. It would kill me if she hurt you any more than she already has. I'm just not sure there's anything else you can do for her."

"I suppose you're right," I said. "Maybe I should let her go. Maybe there isn't anything else I can do for her, not now."

"I can't imagine there is," he said. "You've done so much. Maybe it's time you let her be."

"Yes, I think you're right," I said. "Maybe I just need to let her get better in her own time."

He nodded and sipped his tea. "I think you're making the right choice. We never found her aunt-I think she might just have lost her mind."

"I think so," I said. "Thank you for listening."

"Of course," he said. "That's what I'm here for." He kissed me, so soft like he does, and put a hand on the back of my neck, and then pulled away to rest his forehead against mine. "I love you."

"I love you too," I promised.

25 September 1639

I don't know what happened, but Aradia left Tavros on my doorstep today. He was bleeding and his legs were broken and he was unconscious. My goodness, he looked so awful. Kitty knows what happened, I think, but she isn't telling me. All I can assume is that it's some sort of secret.

I treated him as best I could, but in the end Kitty and I had to carry him home. I'll make him some crutches and go by to see him until he's better. He'll be alright. I'll make sure of it.

27 September 1639

Horuss is better now. He's got a scar on his arm, but he's entirely functional and in no pain, which is my goal. So he came by for lunch and tried to fuss over me, but for once I was fussing over him. I think that was entirely fair of me! Damara did try to kill him, for heaven's sake. Maybe I don't always have enough to eat or worry about money, but I'm sufficiently alive.

Anyways, we had a lovely lunch, and he was as kind as he always is. I'm glad he's my friend.

30 September 1639

Kurloz was over today, and he was worried out of his mind. He said his father wants him married by the time he's twenty-one, or else. When I asked or else what, he said he didn't know, but the tone of his father's voice told him it was nothing good.

"I turn twenty-one in a few months!" he said. "I have no idea what my father will do."

"Are you afraid he'll hurt you?" I asked, feeling a knot in my stomach.

"No," he said. "He never has. I'm more afraid he'll force me to marry someone who isn't you. Probably Eliza, but it could be anyone. And then we'd never be married!" He sounded terribly panicked. "I don't know what to do."

"I know it's hard to tell him," I said. "But it might be worth a try."

"You don't know my father," he said miserably. "He would lose his mind if he knew I was engaged to a common woman."

"Haven't you been talking to him?" I asked.

"Don't you believe me?" he asked, hurt. "I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to persuade my father to let me marry you and bring you to the palace-the world you deserve. He's hard to budge!"

"I do believe you," I said. "I'm sorry. It's hard to believe anyone could be so rigid when their own child is in love."

"That's politics for you," he said with a sigh. "I'm sorry. If we could just marry right now, I'd like to think all this would go away."

"I know," I said. "I wish I could as much as you do."

He sighed again and sipped his tea. "Meulin, do you think I'm going to be a good husband?"

"Of course," I said. "Kurloz, I love you, and I know you'll be a wonderful husband."

"Thank you," he said.

"Any time," I said, as softly as I could. "You matter a lot to me, my dear. I'm here for you."

"I know," he said.

"Do you have any more time?" I asked. I wanted to talk over some of my finances with him, because I always feel better about it after I've talked it out.

"No," he said. "I'm sorry. I have to run home to meet another new woman." He rolled his eyes and stood up. I stood, too, and he kissed me gently. "I'll see you soon. I promise."

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too," he said.

I do love him. I wish it didn't have to be like this. And I can't get married before January! I need Nepeta to feel ready.


	8. The Future

2 October 1639

Porrim and I had such an argument today, about Damara.

"I can't keep trying to help her, Porrim. She tried to kill me! She was going for my throat with that knife. I have my sister and my fiancé to think about."

"She needs us right now! You're the damn midwife, you know that better than anyone."

"She needs help, but I can't help her if she's trying to kill me every time I try! I treated Rufioh and Horuss because they needed my help. If she's going to try to hurt me, I can't help her."

"This is because of Kurloz, isn't it?"

"Leave him out of it. I'm in control of my own life, Porrim. You just think every man in this world has it out for every woman."

"Maybe I do, but I don't think that's entirely irrational of me. Don't change the subject! Damara needs help right now, not fair-weather friends."

"It's not fair-weather when the friend in question quite literally tried to kill me."

"Fine," Porrim said. "Fine. If you won't help her, I will."

"Good luck," I said. "You'll need it."

She huffed off, and while I do really wish I could help Damara, I think Kurloz is right-there's nothing else I can do for her now. If she's not willing to talk to me just because I treated someone she attacked, I can't help her.

I don't know if Porrim's and my friendship will survive this. I hope so. I care about her, and I want to still be her friend, but I can't afford to live in fear. My sister and my darling both need me, and I can't let them down. Especially my sister.

7 October 1639

Nepeta's getting so close! She's very good with her new bow and arrows, even though they're bigger than her old ones (which I put away in storage). I still bring home dinner when we go hunting, but I think soon she'll have something, even just a little squirrel.

She's going to be all grown up soon. I know her Karkat turned her down, and whenever she talks about him to me she does seem sad and tired, but I'm sure there will be another person, a man or a woman, who will love her as she deserves to be loved, and who she will love right back. Kitty of all people deserves to be loved! She's the most amazing person I've ever known, besides perhaps my mama or Kurloz.

11 October 1639

Kitty shot her first squirrel today! We put it into a good stew and celebrated her first catch. She caught it in the body, not the eye, and I had to shoot a few others to make the stew enough, but it was her catch. She did it!

At this rate, she'll be entirely ready when I marry and move away.

15 October 1639

I…I'm sad. I don't think I can be Horuss's friend anymore. I was talking to Kurloz when he mentioned that he and Horuss were trying to be friends, and they talked some the other day.

"He mentioned how beautiful you are," he said.

"That's kind of him."

He shrugged.

"Kurloz, what's wrong?"

"I don't know if I should tell you."

"If it's about Horuss, I'd like to know. We're friends-he's here at least once a week."

"I think he likes you."

"What?"

"I think he likes you." He was wincing, like he didn't want to tell me.

"I-oh," I said. Suddenly it all made sense. Horuss has always been kind to me and he was so sweet and…there's no other way to explain it. "I-I don't know what to do."

"I'm sorry, dear," he said.

"I'm not sure…I don't know if I can still be his friend," I said. "Not with you. You're…you're…oh, you know what I mean."

"You don't have to," he said anxiously. "He might be alright."

"No," I said. "I love you. I can't be friends with some other man who wants to be with me. You said it yourself-it's a recipe for disaster."

"I'm sorry," he said, taking my hand. "I know he means a lot to you. It's too bad you have to stop being his friend."

It did hurt, but I said, "It's alright. I have you and Nepeta-that's all I need."

"Alright," he said. "Just tell me if you need anything."

"I will," I said. "Thanks."

I am sad, but I think it will be for the best. I'm engaged; I can't go around talking to men whose intentions towards me are less than honorable. And even though Horuss has always been perfectly respectable when he visits, I've no way of knowing what he's thinking about. For all I know he spends every visit planning ways to break up my engagement! So many things seem to be coming between Kurloz and I that I'm starting to feel a bit exhausted. I hope this gets easier soon!

18 October 1639

Latula came by to visit today. Since my fight with Porrim, she hasn't been coming to learn to read and write, although her sister has. Latula came by today just to talk to me.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in ages, Meulin."

"I've been so busy," I said apologetically. "And things are a bit mad right now with Kurloz. His father wants him married before he's twenty-one, but Nepeta won't be eighteen by then."

"Sounds like quite the mess," she said. "I'm glad it was easy with Mituna and me."

"Me too," I said. "I'm so happy for you two." I am! Just seeing them together, holding hands and giggling, makes my heart feel like it might bubble over with happiness. They're just so good for each other! I'm glad I have something like that.

"How's Meenah?" she asked.

"I'm not sure. Why?"

"Well, you talk with Kurloz so often. I thought he might've told you."

"They're not very close," I said, but I was wondering why he hadn't mentioned her. She almost died! "He might not know much."

"Alright," Latula said. "Tell us when you know?"

"Of course," I said. "How is Damara?"

Latula sighed and shook her head. "No better. Every time we try to talk to her, she starts talking nonsense and waves that knife of hers around."

"Are you hurt?" I asked, immediately concerned.

"No, I'm fine," Latula said. "She hasn't tried to kill any of us since she went after you. I think she's a little more stable now. She might feel better if she saw you were alright-she might bad about it."

"I'm not sure," I said. I still do think Kurloz was right when he said there can't be much more for me to do for her. And I do need to be here for Kitty. "I can't risk it, with Kitty to care for her. And she doesn't know as much about medicine as I do-she doesn't care for it."

"Alright, fair enough," Latula said. "Hey, if you ever change your mind, we're in the village. She could use as many friendly faces as we can muster."

"I know," I said. "I hope you can help her."

Latula nodded and sipped her tea. "How are things way out here?"

"It's hardly a half-hour's walk into the village," I said. "But we're alright."

"Good to hear," she said.

We didn't talk about much of substance after that, which was nice. I am worried about Damara, and I do hope she gets better. I just don't know what she needs.

20 October 1639

Kurloz and I had a real fight today, about getting married. I feel awful about it now.

"My dear, I'm running out of time. I have four months. Are you sure you can't marry before she turns eighteen?"

"I'm sure," I said. "I've said it a million times!" I shouldn't have snapped.

"You keep saying it, but I don't understand why!" he snapped. "You say she can't live on her own-but she can hunt and cook and sew and trade just fine! I'm starting to think you don't want to marry me at all, and you're just stringing me along!"

"I do, Kurloz, I do! I won't leave my sister alone like I was!"

"You-I-I need to leave," he said. "I'm sorry. I can't keep doing this."

My heart felt like it might explode. "Kurloz, please-don't leave me. I swear I will marry you, as soon as I can."

"I didn't mean leave you," he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. I suppose it was, in some ways. "I just mean leave here. I-I can't do this now. I need to calm down."

"I-alright," I said. "I love you."

"Love you too," he said, but he sounded like he didn't mean it.

I just feel awful. I don't want to string him along. I do want to marry him! But Nepeta has to come first. She's my little sister! I love her, and I'm responsible for her. He has a younger brother. Why can't he understand what this means for me? I know he doesn't have much time, but that's just what I need.

Oh, what am I saying? It's a relationship, there's two of us. Maybe we need to compromise somehow. I'm not sure how we can, but Nepeta is getting good at hunting, and really most things. Maybe if we married a little before she's eighteen, but I visited home every day? Or we tell his father we're engaged and just need time to plan the wedding? It is a binding contract if we can get ourselves properly betrothed-his father couldn't ignore that, and it will be the kind of wedding with lots of planning!

We'll talk about it. We can come up with a compromise of some sort.

25 October 1639

Horuss came for lunch today, so I let him in, but I didn't talk to him like normal. I can't let him think there's any chance I like him. I just told him we're doing fine and there's nothing we need, and thanked him as ever for offering his help. I don't think I was too cold, but I was a little cooler than normal. Like Kurloz said about Eliza-I need to be firm, or he might get the wrong idea.

29 October 1639

All Souls' is in a few days! I'm so excited. I'm going to go to the festival, of course, and I've even picked out which dress I'm going to wear. Kitty's going, of course, and it's going to be such fun! She says she wants to wear her best dress. Of course she does!

Our city friends probably won't be there. I hear Meenah's mostly better, but she and Cronus and Kurloz are going to the festival in the city. I hope Kurloz comes by soon afterwards, so we can talk about everything.

31 October 1639

Today was All Souls' Day, and the festival was spectacular! The fiddle music was lovely and perfect for dancing. I danced with all my friends, even Horuss (not Damara, though), and it was such a lovely time. I love dancing! My friends say I'm quite good, too. And my skirt flew out in the most lovely way.

Kitty had fun, too, dancing with her friends. I saw she did one dance with Karkat, and though I worry she might be getting her hopes up, she remarked on the walk home that perhaps it was time for her to move on and maybe find someone else. I'm glad for her. She deserves every happiness, and if not from Karkat, from someone else. She also said she doesn't want to stop being his friend, though, because everything that makes him attractive to her makes him a good friend as well.

I'm glad she's happy. She deserves to be.

1 November 1639

All Saints' today! Kurloz was here in the village and so I danced with him for most of the time, though I did dance with most of my friends (not Horuss, though). He didn't seem upset with me at all, which was a relief, and I told him we should talk soon, and he said he would come to my house as soon as he could, which was also a relief. He even kissed me! So I suppose he's not. Maybe he did just need to calm down a bit.

Well, anyways, the festival was even more fun today with my darling there! I danced until my feet hurt and ate until I was full and I even danced once with my sister. It was a day I could spend with everyone I love, and a day when everyone had plenty and no one was hungry. I was so happy.

4 November 1639

Kurloz came by today and I told him my ideas for a compromise.

"I could maybe marry before Nepeta's eighteen if I visited home every day, or every other day. I also thought we could tell your father we're engaged, and then tell him we need more time to prepare for a wedding."

"I suppose," he said anxiously, scratching his index finger along the inside of his thumb. It's his nervous habit, like I play with the ends of my hair.

"What is it?"

"It's just that my father has already planned most of the wedding. We couldn't claim that we need much time at all."

"I could sew my dress."

"He might not believe us," Kurloz said. "I hope he would, but I just can't be sure."

"Well, I still can't marry much before Nepeta's eighteen. Not before she's seventeen, for sure. She's too young to be on her own. You wouldn't leave your brother on his own."

Kurloz rolled his eyes. "My brother wouldn't last two days on his own."

"You see?"

He nodded. "Alright."

"Can I tell you something else that's been on my mind?" I asked.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Porrim and I had an argument," I said. "About Damara. You're right-I can't keep helping her. But Porrim thinks I should. I don't know. She tried to kill me! But she doesn't have many friends right now as it is. I stood my ground with her, but I'm just not sure."

"I don't think she understands the danger you're in," Kurloz said. "You stood your ground-that's good. You have to be able to stand up for yourself in politics. And you can't let Porrim confuse you."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You know how she is. Cynical and such."

"She did accuse you of trying to interfere. I told her that's absurd, I'm making my own choices and she can't blame every choice she doesn't like on you."

He nodded, then smiled. "I'm glad."

"You're glad of what?"

"That we can be together without you feeling like I'm trying to control you. I know how it can be, with-with men and women and such. I don't want you to feel that way with me."

"Of course I don't. I know you, and I know you don't want to control me. I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm glad I can talk these things out with you, though. It makes me feel better to know I'm not out of my mind."

He nodded. "Just let me know. If you ever feel uncomfortable."

"I will. I promise. And you too."

"I will," he promised. He smiled softly and took my hand. "I love you."

"I love you, too," I said.

8 November 1639

I've been teaching reading and writing, but Porrim hasn't been coming. If reading and writing can't draw her out, I'm not sure what can. That may be one bridge that's too burned to repair, like with Damara.

Latula still comes, which is good. It's so much harder to be friends with people as an adult. There's just so much more to disagree about. It was easier when we were children and all we could disagree about was nonsense like whether we liked celery or not.

I suppose that's bound to happen. I know my mama lost a lot of her friends when she decided to leave home because so many people disagreed with her. Sometimes, I suppose, that is just how the world works.

11 November 1639

I've been preserving vegetables and meat since October and filling the kitchen and library, and because I am somewhat nervous about not having enough, my bedroom. On the plus side, Kitty's been catching meat more consistently, so we can eat what she catches and preserve when I do.

Most of the herbs are sufficiently dried. Nepeta loves to sort them out, which I can't stand, so I'll just let her do that while I smoke and salt our meat and preserve the various vegetables, and get the seeds ready for planting and such next year. I just hope I have enough medicine for everyone who needs it.

15 November 1639

It's getting so cold! It snowed today for the first time. It was just a light dusting of powder, but it was quite beautiful. I love winter-it's so lovely. The snow is just gorgeous. It makes the world look a little ghostly, spectral even. It's like there could be angels just under the silvery coating.

My mama told me when she was a little girl, she thought that snowflakes were made by angels in heaven and tossed down as gifts for normal people. I like to believe that's true. I'd like to believe my mama is making snowflakes with the angels in heaven for me, because she thought winter was beautiful, too.

20 November 1639

Kitty and I went to Mama's gravestone today, and the forget-me-nots were all dead, and I know it's been years but I just broke down crying. When I see her grave I just remember she's gone and the forget-me-nots I trust to remember her were dead and I'm about to leave home and I just couldn't think.

Kitty sat down next to me and held my hand and she didn't say anything, but it was so comforting to know she was right there next to me. I love her so much.

When I could breathe again, we walked back home and I went to cook dinner. If nothing else, it comforts me to know that everything in this house was once my mother's, and her mother's before her, and it will belong to Kitty's or my children.

Dinner was good tonight, I think. Kitty said it was one of my better stews, and I am always trying new blends of herbs to make our food better.

My goodness, it's going to be strange not cooking every day, or every other day. On the one hand, I was eleven when I ran away, so it hasn't even been half my life since then, but on the other hand, this is the part of my life that matters. I hardly remember anything before I was five, and then those six years were just…they weren't the part of me that matters. The part of me that matters is the six years I spent with Mama and my sister in this home, and the years since then.

Well, it will be an adventure, at the very least! And I will have my darling by my side. When we're together, I know everything will be alright.

24 November 1639

My sister is going to be a good hunter. She's already quite good and with practice she'll be even better. I'm so proud of her! She's brilliant and talented and kind and wonderful and I love her more than I can say. She's the most wonderful person, and I'm proud of her.

We are eating plenty, but Horuss has long since stopped coming to visit. I suppose he's gotten the hint that I don't want to see him anymore. I can't be his friend anymore, not like this. I wish we could still be friends, but I have to agree with Kurloz that it's just a recipe for disaster. That's life, I suppose. Anyways, I can maintain my own home-I don't need anyone to check in and make sure I'm not dead. I'm not a child. I don't need to be looked after like one.

29 November 1639

I had the most terrible nightmare last night. I dreamt that my sister and I were trapped outside the house and we tried to call for my mama but she didn't answer, and then it started storming and whenever we tried to find shelter the tree we hid under burst apart from lightning. I tried to wrap my sister up in my cloak, because she was shivering terribly, but I couldn't seem to, and then when I tried to hug her close to get her warm, she turned into ash and collapsed to my feet.

I woke up breathing so hard I could hardly think, and I rushed into Kitty's room without thinking, and said, "Kitty! Kitty, are you okay?"

She blinked, looked up from her book, and said, "I'm fine, Linny. Are you okay?"

"Yeah-I-sorry. I had a nightmare. Like Mama used to."

"That's alright," she said. "We have tea for it now."

"Yes, we do," I said, and I went to the book and mixed up some tea. There's my mother's mother's book of medicines, which is old and worn but readable, although I'm considering copying it into a newer book so we can pass it on, and then there's my mama's book. It's got everything written in it she knew and everything she learned, every mix she invented. She was brilliant.

Maybe someday I'll have my own book! I'll figure out my own mixes and herbs and techniques and write them all down myself, and then I'll have a book all my own with my own work in it I can pass on to my daughter.

I assume I can pass my work as midwife to my daughter. I like to imagine I'll have two daughters, or more, so one of them will surely want to do this work. Like Nepeta and I-I want to do this work I do, and she doesn't. One of my daughters will.

One of my daughters will probably have to take on the political responsibilities I will be adopting soon, but that doesn't mean all of them have to. Maybe one of my sons will shoulder the political burden? He certainly won't be the midwife.

1 December 1639

Advent starts soon! We still use the same candles my mama did, and they're lovely when they burn with their quiet little flames. I'm looking forward to it!

3 December 1639

First Sunday of Advent today, hope. I think there's always hope. No matter how hard things are, no matter how alone I might feel, I know that there is always hope. When mama died, I thought I might die from sadness, but I was alright. I know that I'll manage.

Kitty said at dinner that she also forever believed in hope, because every time things were hard or painful, it's been awful and then it's gotten better, slowly but surely. And we'll always have each other, and when we have each other, we can do anything. When I have Kitty with me, anything could be possible.

I love her. I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. She's my little sister! I could never be less close to her than I am now. When I'm married, we'll write as often as possible, and I'll visit at least once a week. I love her.

7 December 1639

Kurloz was by today for lunch. I asked him how he always manages to come by when I'm home, and he said he does come by when I'm not home, but he doesn't stay. He'll just come back another day. I'm usually home for lunch anyways, so I can't imagine he comes by when I'm not too often. And I do see him every few days.

I'm glad I have the people I have in my life. They're all so important to me.

10 December 1639

Second Sunday of Advent today, for joy. I have so much to be joyful about! I have my sister and she's doing well, and I'm engaged to the man I love, and I have a whole exciting future ahead of me. There is so much to love!

I asked Nepeta today how she would feel if I left to marry before she was eighteen.

"It's fine, Meulin. I'm fine. I'm not a child."

"I don't think you are, Kitty."

"You still call me Kitty."

"Yes, because it's my nickname for you. I love you, and I always will."

"Well, I would be fine if you got married," she said. "Do you want to?"

I nodded.

"You should. It'll make you happy. And you can have babies and I can be an aunt!" She smiled and poked me. "I want a niece."

"I want a daughter. And…it would make me happy," I admitted.

"Not now, though," she said.

"No, not now," I agreed. "No, there's plenty of time. And I couldn't until you were seventeen, at the very least. I'm not leaving before you're ready for me to leave, Kitty."

"Alright, Linny," she said.

It's going to be fine. Kurloz will wheedle some more time out of his father, and Kitty will turn seventeen in August, and we'll marry, and it will be wonderful.

14 December 1639

Kurloz was over today and so I told him I could marry him once Nepeta is seventeen, so in August.

"That's still months too late."

"It's the best I can do, Kurloz. She's my sister. Have you talked to your father?"

"I've been trying," he said, and he sounded exhausted. "I really have been. But he's out of his mind about this, telling me I need to have an heir right damn now."

"My goodness, we're going to have children soon."

"Yes," he said with a hint of a smile. "I hope it's a son."

I can't quite explain why, but I didn't want to tell him I hope we have a daughter. I suppose I didn't want to let him down when he has so much pressure on him. With any luck it won't turn out like Henry VIII, but we do need to have a son, and it must be weighing heavy on his mind. So I thought it best not to mention that more than anything, I want to have a daughter. Why worry him more than he is?

"Yes," I said. "A little boy."

"What do you think we'll name him?"

"Oh, I don't know," I said. "I like Peter. Or Thomas."

"How does Luke sound?"

"Oh, no," I said.

"Why not?" he asked, sounding hurt.

"I'm sorry-I didn't mean to be rude. Luke was the name of my mother's first child, and he died when he was fourteen months old. I…I have the sense it would be bad luck."

"That's just superstition," he said. "I'm sure it would be fine."

"I suppose," I said. "Do you have any other ideas?" He is right, it's just superstition, but I still wouldn't want to name my son Luke.

"I like the name William," he said idly. "It's quite nice."

"It is," I agreed. "What about for a daughter?"

"Oh, I don't know," he said. "I've never thought about it much. Do you think we'll have daughters?"

"We might," I said. "You never know! These things can be a bit random, as I understand it. I do hope we can have more than one child, so hopefully we would have some of each."

"Hm," he said. "Well, for a daughter…I like Victoria."

"I like the name Cecily," I said. I always have liked that name.

He shrugged. "Yes, that's alright. Or how's Dorothy?"

"Oh, that's a nice name," I said. "Oh, this is all a lot right now! We're not even married."

"Not yet," he said, and he leaned forward to kiss me.

Most days when he comes over, we kiss like mad. It's such a wonderful feeling. And he'll touch my chest, and it just feels so nice. I know that's something we're not to do until we're married, but we shouldn't be kissing like this either, and it feels so good I can't bring myself to even want to stop.

Thinking of that, and since this is my private journal, when we were kissing today he was lying on top of me and I had my hands in his hair and I could…to put it delicately, I could feel that he wanted more. I want him, too, I think (I think this is what it feels like to want someone), but not until we're married. That's something we haven't talked about, but I'm sure he understands. He's so understanding about these things.

I suppose we'll have to talk about it sometime. Well, when we marry, certainly on our wedding night we will!

17 December 1639

Third Sunday today, for peace. We lit the third candle, the pink one, and watched it burn down as we ate supper. My mama always liked Advent, and we had fun with it when we were young. She lit the candles and we talked about what Sunday it was and how many days were left until Christmas.

We're the only family I know who do presents on Christmas instead of Boxing Day, but that's how we've done it since we left our birth parents, so that's how we do it now.

I suppose it's Boxing Day with the old duke. I've no idea what Christmas traditions are expected of me in such a political world! I should ask Kurloz about that. I wonder what his Christmases have been like! It must have been such a sight as a child, the place all decorated for Christmas. I can just imagine it! I hope my children will love it.

21 December 1639

I asked Kurloz about his Christmas traditions today, what he's always done and what's expected of him and what he loves to do.

"Oh, there's a ceremony and a mass and such. That's quite dull. But the castle when it's all done up is just gorgeous. And the supper is always delicious. The cook outdoes himself every year."

"Sounds lovely."

"And you?"

"Well, the only thing we do differently is that we always do presents on Christmas day. I don't know why; that's just always how we've done it. I mean, since Nepeta and I have lived with our mama. I don't think we did anything with my birth parents. Maybe starved a little less." I can't help being bitter with them, sometimes. They almost killed Kitty and me.

"That's an odd one," he said. "Christmas day presents. Hm!"

"Yes, it is a bit," I agreed. "Ah well. So be it!"

He nodded and smiled. "Well, I know you don't like presents, but do you mind if I find you something for Christmas?"

I almost didn't want him to, but he looked so eager and sweet, and sounded so desperate, that I said, "Alright. Nothing-"

"Nothing ostentatious, I know," he said. "Don't worry."

"I'll find you something," I said.

"You don't have to."

"You don't have to get anything for me, and you are anyways."

He smiled and rolled his eyes. "You're silly."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I don't know what I'll buy for him. He has everything he could ever need up in that castle! I can't exactly knit him a hat. And while that Bible was an inspiration, I'm not sure I can replicate it. I want to-he deserves it-but I'm not sure how.

I have no idea what I'll get Kitty, either. She loved the bow and arrows, which sapped a fair bit of my savings, and I'm not sure I can top that, either.

24 December 1639

It's the last Sunday of Advent for love, and also Christmas Eve! My sister is asleep right now, and Button is sitting on my lap and asking, in her own little way, that I get into bed so she can cuddle with me while I sleep.

She's got sharp little claws, our cat. It's probably time I go to bed. My heart is so full of love these days I can't imagine it any other way!

25 December 1639

We had Christmas today, Kitty and me. I found her a lovely mug in the market for her tea, and she gave me a new romance novel. I blushed at the gift, but it was so sweet and kind of her. I'm going to read it tonight before I go to bed, I think. It should only take one candle to read by, so it won't be too expensive.

The supper was delicious, too. Kitty and I can cook as well as our mama could by now. We made all the foods we used to make and it was all just delicious. I love the way my mama make Yorkshire pudding. It's not quite like it's supposed to be, but it's so much better that I don't mind it one bit. It's like my mama's medicines-sometimes you have to try something new and it will be even better! She invented the mix we use for nightmares herself.

It was a lovely Christmas. It might be my last one at home, and that's…quite the strange thought. But I'll visit Kitty around this time every year, once I'm married and off leading that life. Of course I will! She's family.

29 December 1639

Horuss came by today, and I still don't feel great about not being his friend anymore, but he ran to my door and he was breathing hard and frantic, and he panted out, "My father…he needs…help. Please."

"What's wrong?"

"His chest…congested. I need you…to come fix him."

I nodded and said, "You go and tell him I'm coming. I'll meet you there with my supplies."

I gathered up all my herbs, for helping to ease someone's tight chest, and ran over behind Horuss as fast as I could. Once I was there, I saw Mr. Zahhak breathing hard, wheezing terribly. "Horuss, put a pot of water in the fire. We need steam. Can you hear me, Mr. Zahhak?"

He nodded.

"Can you speak?"

"Hardly," he managed.

"Alright, then, don't talk. Nod yes or no for me: can you breathe?"

He shrugged.

"Alright, fair enough. I'm going to give you some herbs. They won't taste very good, and I'm sorry, but they should start to ease up the congestion and help open up your lungs. Please try not to gag."

He nodded, and I tipped the mixture I'd made down his throat, and we managed to get some steam in him, and slowly the wheeze went away and he could sit up again.

"I'm going to tell you to take some herbs regularly, Mr. Zahhak," I said. "Because you do not seem to be in very good health, frankly, and I hope to keep something like this from happening again. I'm sure you know the names-these are all things you can purchase from the apothecary in town."

"Thank you, Miss Leijon," he said.

"Of course," I said. "Have a happy New Year's."

"You too," he said.

As I was going to leave, Horuss stopped me. "Meulin, what is happening?"

"What do you mean?"

"You have been refusing to speak with me or even see me. I have been worried."

"I can't be friends with you when you clearly like me. I'm engaged."

"Meulin, I don't-"

"Please don't try. You're not a very good liar. I appreciate everything you've done for Nepeta and me, but I can't be your friend if things are going to be like this between us. Good night."

He looked quite stricken, but simply said, "Goodnight."

I am glad to have helped Mr. Zahhak, but I can't be around Horuss if it's going to be like this between us. He isn't a very good liar, and I can see right through him. I don't even want him to try to lie to me, because I still care about him and I just…I just don't want him to lie to me. I don't want him to even try.


	9. Otherwise Engaged

1 January 1640

New Year's Day today! I stayed up until midnight with Kitty, and then when that old grandfather clock we inherited struck midnight we toasted the new year with a glass of wine each. It was nice, very calm and quiet and just the two of us celebrating the new year together. 1640! I'm probably going to get married this year, and probably with that be pregnant! Oh, I'm so excited to be pregnant! Having children is going to be so wonderful. I can't wait!

I'll see Kurloz again soon, and then I can give him his present. It's a lovely pen! I think he'll like it a lot.

4 January 1640

We had another fight about it today.

"Meulin, I don't know how much longer I can wait!"

"My sister…she's only sixteen."

"You were seventeen when your mother…when she passed. She's plenty old enough to manage on her own. Didn't you teach her to hunt?"

"A little," I admitted. "She is pretty good…"

"I don't want to come between you and her, or make this more difficult for you, but my father wants me to marry in sixteen days. And Meulin, I love you! I want to marry you. I want to have a family with you!"

"I love you too," I said. "I can't explain how much I want to marry you, or how much I want to have children with you. But I need Nepeta to be alright on her own. I need her to feel like she can handle her life without me before I leave."

He sighed. "I understand you love her. But you need to move on, or you'll be living in the past and treating your sister like a child forever."

"I'm not treating her like a child!"

"Obviously you are," he said. "Have you seen her with her friends? She still acts like a thirteen-year-old. It must be because that's how you treat her."

I felt like I'd had the wind knocked out of me. I've been trying very hard to raise Nepeta right, but if he's right-and he does tend to be-I'm part of the reason she's different, and part of the reason that's been giving her trouble. Maybe I am treating her like a child? I am doing all of this because of her. Maybe I shouldn't?

Oh, I don't know.

What I said was, "I-I need to think about this. And-oh, Kurloz. I do love you. I want to marry you. I-can't you tell your father we're engaged? It might buy you some time."

"I will," he said, sounding irate. "I don't have much of a choice."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I-I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" he asked.

"You sounded frustrated with me," I said.

"I'm not," he said, but he still sounded annoyed. "I should go talk to my father."

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too," he said, and he left.

I feel awful, about that and about treating Kitty like a child. I really can't do that-she hates it when people treat her like a child, and I don't want her to feel that way. She is different, but she's so brilliant and wonderful and kind that I don't think it matters. I'm so worried I'll mess things up, and maybe I'm so worried about ruining everything that I've looped it back around to being a failure.

I don't know what to do. I feel all tied up in knots by this. I don't know how to solve all these problems, and I certainly don't know how to change the way I've always treated my sister. It's probably best I just talk to her. Communication is important, my mama said. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone, because most problems are just miscommunication.

7 January 1640

I asked Kitty about it today.

"Hey, Nepeta?"

"Yes?"

"Do I treat you like a child?"

She shrugged. "Um, a little. Sometimes."

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright," she said. "You're raising me now. It's not like how other people do."

"If you're sure," I said, but I'm pretty sure she didn't mean it. She sounded pretty assured, but people don't always mean what they say and I'm so afraid I'm hurting her without knowing it.

I'll marry when she's seventeen. She'll be plenty old enough. I was only so afraid to be on my own when I was seventeen because I had to take care of Kitty. She just has herself, and Button I suppose, but Button takes care of herself. She'll be fine on her own when she's seventeen. My goodness, she'll probably be married in just a few short years herself!

I've certainly gotten myself much too worked up over this. Kurloz was right-I am treating my sister like a child, and she's not. I can't keep acting as if she can't take care of herself when she certainly can, as she's already hunting decently well. I love her, and I can't treat her this way when it's not helping her or me at all.

11 January 1640

Kurloz apologized today.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you, and for saying such things. I've been under a lot of stress at home. And it's going to be alright. My father said he'd give me a few more months. No later than July, but still. More time."

"Its alright," I said. "I understand how it can be. And that works out perfectly. If we marry in late July, Nepeta will be almost seventeen, and I can visit home every day until she is. And I understand. It can be a lot."

"Is there any chance we can marry earlier?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said. "Why?"

"I'm very much testing his patience right now," he said. "My father…is not very happy with me right now. The sooner we marry-and the sooner we have a child-the better."

"I know," I said. "And I'm sorry. But I can't abandon my sister."

He sighed heavily and said, "Alright."

"Would you like some tea?"

He looked at me oddly and pointed at his teacup.

I blushed a little and said, "No, I mean, for your nerves. My mother had teas for people when they were worried or things were difficult. To make things more manageable."

"No, thank you," he said. "I can manage."

"Alright," I said. "Just tell me if you change your mind. There's no shame in it, and certainly no harm. I drank it every night for a while when my mother passed, and sometimes even now if it's just been a long day."

"Can't you just manage without it?" he asked.

"I can," I said. "But it's easier with the tea."

He nodded. "I see. I hope it helps."

"It does."

And that was that.

15 January 1640

I'm teaching Kitty how to hunt in the winter, which is different because you can't really camouflage as well by just wearing green and moving carefully, and she's actually better at it! I know I can be fidgety and have trouble sitting still, but she's very good and sitting very still until the animals think she might as well be a part of the scenery and she can shoot our dinner.

I'm going to miss this. I want to marry Kurloz and have my family, my own little babies with their big eyes and sweet smiles, but I'm going to miss eating dinner with my little sister, just the two of us. We're happy together, Kitty and me. We're family. She's always been my family, and she always will be.

18 January 1640

Kurloz turned twenty-one in a few days! I want to get him a nice present, but I'm not sure what. And I don't have much in the way of savings right now, since it was just Christmas. I ask him what he wants, and all he says is for me to love him. I do love him! I just want to give him something even half as nice as the things he gives me. I don't know what he wants, though!

My goodness, this is hard! Well, I'm sure I'll come up with something. I always have. I have some faith in my mind to turn up something in the end.

20 January 1640

I found a good gift! His family doesn't really do birthdays, because they find them frivolous, apparently. How very strict! I know some people's religion prohibits them from doing things like dancing or having birthdays, and I can't imagine it! I can't imagine not allowing yourself to enjoy your own life. My mama told me once that God loves us and so God wants us to be happy. So why shouldn't I enjoy myself?

Well, that doesn't matter. He had his birthday with me! I believe in dancing and birthdays and good fun. I made baked apples and gave him his gift, a stand and fancy inkwell for the pen I gave him. They match and everything! He said he loved it. I'm glad-it's hard to find a good gift for him. He said that he didn't need a fancy gift, and I told him he got me so many nice things that I want to get nice things for him.

He smiled, sweet as sugar, and kissed me softly. I'm glad he seemed less worried. I can't tell, these days, how he'll be. I suppose I can understand that; I'm sure my moods were a bit wild when Mama passed. He's shouldering a lot right now, with his father. I just hope our wedding can ease some of that burden.

Kitty said today that Karkat is with one of her friends and she's hurting about it. I understand that. It must feel more personal now, rather than just Karkat being rude. I feel awful for her. I hope she feels better soon.

24 January 1640

It's freezing cold outside right now. I might freeze to death, my goodness! I have my warm cloak and my hat and scarf and mittens and all that, but I do have to hunt, and it's awfully cold out.

Kitty doesn't mind the cold so much, so she does out to hunt sometimes for me, and I'm grateful. Our stews are getting a bit duller as the winter wears on, but I think we'll be alright for food. We always preserve more than we think we'll need, partially just in case and partially because then if someone doesn't have enough we can give it to them. It's the midwife's job to help people, and if they're sick from starving it's my job to help them.

There's more illness now than in the summer. People get sick more easily in the cold. My mother has a million treatments for winter fever in her book, along with every other illness, but it's still just more work.

I can't stop this work. When I'm married, I can't stop doing this. I'm saving people's lives. I can't stop.

28 January 1640

Kurloz was over today for tea, and he asked about Horuss and my other friends.

"How are they?"

"I don't know," I said. "Damara's lost her mind. I can hardly stand to speak to Rufioh, honestly. Horuss likes me, and I can't deal with that. Porrim and I disagree about Damara. Aranea and I have never been close. And Kankri drives me mad! Oh, Latula and Mituna are doing well. They came for lunch the other day, and that was quite fun. How are Cronus and Meenah?"

"Well, they are married now," he said. "Not that they see each other more often for it. Meenah's fully recovered, finally. Damara did quite the number on her."

"Oh, I'm glad to hear that," I said. "That she's better, I mean."

He laughed. "Of course."

"They'll have to have an heir," I said.

"Oh, I'm sure they will, but they have plenty of years left to have children. I have the sense…hm. Don't tell anyone else that I told you, but I suspect he does not like women."

"You mean he'd sleep with a man."

"Yes," he said, still quiet.

"Well, I'm sure Meenah won't mind if he has a special friend on the side. She and Aranea…"

"What?" he said, his eyes going wide.

I shrugged. "I know people say it's sinful, but I don't think it can be bad to sleep with someone you love, even if you can't have a child together. I mean, it feels nice, doesn't it? Why should someone be denied that because they can't have a child?"

He went quite pink and said, "Sleeping with someone you can't have a child with is a sin. Just because it feels nice doesn't mean it's the right thing to do." I forget his religion is much stricter than mine. That's alright. He understands when I explain it.

"I suppose," I said. "But I still don't think it's fair to categorically deny someone that kind of love just because of who they love."

"I just can't wrap my head around it," he said.

"We'll just have to agree to disagree," I said.

"Alright," he said. "But I won't-we won't do that."

"We're going to have children, aren't we?" I said. "If that's your quarrel, we won't have that problem. We'll have lots of children!"

"Yes, I think we will," he said softly, and he reached out to stroke my hair behind my ear. It was so soft I thought I might melt. "I love you. And I'll love our children."

"I love you too," I said. "And I will love our children."

He smiled, and it was…it was good. It's going to be good.

31 January 1640

There's been an outbreak of smallpox in the village. I had smallpox when I was a child, though I had a relatively minor case, so I'm not afraid, but it is so much work and it's so hard because people die. Most of the time, the farm girls live, but no one else can be so guaranteed. Mama noted that people who had cowpox hardly ever had smallpox, but it's hard to tell because they do still get it, sometimes, and sometimes they get it but it's not as bad.

One man had bleeding pox, and there was a child with the flat pox. My mama taught me the four kinds-normal, minor, flat, and bleeding-and so many this time have the bad kinds. Children, especially, have been having the flat pox, and that's one of the ones that kills.

It's hard to be in the village right now, with everyone ill and stressed and tired. But I'm doing everything I can to keep people comfortable, and isolating them from other-especially children.

2 February 1640

Kurloz was over today, but I couldn't possibly stay. I told him as much, because of this outbreak in the village, and he asked why I couldn't take a break.

"Kurloz, people are ill. People are dying. I have to go."

"If you work yourself exhausted, you'll be ill, too."

"I can't get smallpox-I've already had it. If I'm a bit tired, so be it. People need me right now. They need me to help them, and treat them. There's a child crying in pain right now, Kurloz. I need to be there."

"Are you sure you can't stay and have tea? I've been hoping we could talk."

"I really can't," I said, pushing my pack farther up my back. "I have to go. I'm sorry. We can talk when this outbreak is under control."

"Fine," he said. "See you then."

"Of course," I said. "I love you."

"Love you too," he said.

I understand he's upset, but I need to do my job.

Our village can't have more than two thousand people in it, and I think I've treated about a hundred of them (my goodness!). Anyone who's sick is not permitted to leave their home, and if they're sick and they have family who aren't sick and never have been, they're to stay with someone else. I've been keeping people comfortable as well as I can, making chicken soup almost constantly. And I've been using vinegar soaks to bring down the fevers. At this rate, I'll be out of both rosehips and elderflower!

I hope this passes soon. Smallpox lasts about two weeks, maybe a bit longer, so in a week or so this should be better.

6 February 1640

I'm glad I preserved as much as I did, because I have been burning through rosehips and elderflower and mint and even chamomile, because it's hard to sleep when you feel that awful. And you need sleep to feel better!

No one else seems to have gotten sick. So in about a week, this should pass, and people will be better. I'm not looking forward to when the blisters start to burst. That is the worst part of the illness.

10 February 1640

The blisters have started to burst for most people, and it's exactly as disgusting as I remember. I don't say anything to the sick people, of course, because the last thing they need is the midwife saying how gross they are, but it's disgusting, and I have to deal with it.

It's mostly cleaning. Nepeta's agreed to help me, because I have other things to do. She doesn't like to do this work, but she'll help me when I need her to. Her friends have been kind about it.

Kurloz only came to see me once since I turned him away. It's good of him to give me time to worry about this. I can talk to him about what's on his mind once this has passed.

14 February 1640

It's finally really over. People are still ill, but the deaths have stopped and most people are just about done with the blisters, and now it's just scabs and scars. The children have to be told, over and over, not to itch, but that's about it, and I can make skin creams for that.

I'm exhausted. I might just take a day or two to sleep and recover a little. Anyone who's not an emergency will have to wait. I need to rest.

17 February 1640

I feel much better-about back to normal-but Kurloz still hasn't come by. Maybe I should write him? He probably doesn't understand how smallpox works, or how long it lasts. Someone who isn't a midwife is a physician, so someone who's only dealt with it once, wouldn't know everything I know thanks to my mother's books.

It's been good to take a couple of days to rest. Kitty hunted for me and I did cook some, but I also took time to just sip tea and read to myself.

20 February 1640

I wrote Kurloz, but he still hasn't come by, and I'm starting to worry. I'm worried he's ill or something's happened to him, and I'm also worried that he's upset with me. I know he wanted to talk about something, but I have a job to do! It's important to me!

Maybe I should've set aside some time for him. He needed me, and I wasn't there for him. If he doesn't come by in a few days, I'll write him again to apologize. If he comes by, I'll just apologize in person.

24 February 1640

He was by for lunch today! I was so relieved. I cooked a good meal and made tea and said, "I know you wanted to talk, and I'm sorry I didn't make time for you. I suppose I let the crisis overwhelm me. I should've been there for you. Do you still want to talk about it?"

"It's fine now," he said, and he sounded bitter.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "You sound upset."

"I'm fine!" he snapped, and I recoiled.

"I'm sorry," I said. "You seemed awfully upset, and I just want to be here for you."

"Don't be sorry," he said, irate. "I'm fine, alright? Can't you just let it go?"

"Sorry," I said. "Tea?"

"I have tea already," he said.

"Oh, right," I said, feeling silly. "Well, let me check on lunch. Are you hungry?"

"A bit," he said. "Is it good?"

"I hope so," I said. "I cooked it myself, so I may not be the best judge."

"It's probably fine," he said moodily.

"Are you sure you're alright?" I asked. "Is it your father again?"

"I'm fine!" he snapped again. "Why won't you let anything go?"

"Sorry," I said, and I went to kitchen to finish lunch.

He wasn't in a much better mood when he left, but I can't blame him. He's shouldering a lot of weight right now. When we're married, I'm sure some of it will lift and he can be a bit more relaxed.

28 February 1640

It's starting to get a bit warmer, and I'm preparing for planting season. The garden is our second-best source of food and herbs, after hunting of course. And it's good that we can eat lots of different vegetables, because my stews never get boring!

I hope Kurloz is feeling better. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong, and that worries me. If he can't talk to me, I'm not sure who else he has. He can't talk to his father, certainly, and his brother is most often off drinking. Eliza was once his friend, but not any longer. He doesn't have many other close friends, because that is what politics does to a person.

2 March 1640

Kurloz was over today, and he told me that he's been by less often because his father has been introducing him to women almost constantly, and the women themselves are becoming more and more insistent. They flirt with him shamelessly and say things that imply there would be personal benefits to the marriage (he went quite red at that, it was adorable).

"Of course I haven't taken any of them up on the offer," he said. "I have you."

"A few months," I promised. "Once Nepeta's old enough."

He nodded. "How has Latula been?"

"Fine," I said. "Busy, you know. She was helping me with the smallpox laundry."

"Of course," he said with a note of bitterness so subtle I wasn't quite sure I'd heard right. "Have she and Mituna been trying to have children?"

"I'm not sure," I said. "Porrim told them her trick for not having children if you don't want to. They want to have money saved up before they start a family, just in case something were to happen."

"Porrim's trick?" he asked, choked.

"Yes," I said. "She told me, too, but I doubt we'll use it. Since we want children."

"Ah."

"She has been a bit odd lately about you," I said. "She says you're all I ever talk about. I said that's not true, but she's very serious about it."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, you know how some people are. Can't stand to see other people happy."

"Yes," I said vaguely. "I don't know if that's Latula, though. She is awfully kind."

"She does seem to be," he said. "I don't know her well."

"You should meet her," I said. "I trust you and your judgements."

He smiled. "I'm glad to hear it. I just hope she's a good person. You're so wonderful, and you deserve all the best from your friends."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"What for?" he asked.

"Just being here for me," I said. "When people are difficult to deal with."

"It's hard being a person, and hard talking with people," he said. "I'm glad you're here for me, too. I'd never manage with my father without you. And…I am sorry I snapped at you, a few days ago. That wasn't fair of me."

"It's alright. I understand. I'm known to do the same under stress."

I smiled, and he kissed me.

It was very nice to kiss him. The first time we did, I was so unsure. I didn't know what I wanted, and I didn't know we could kiss before we were married, and I just had no idea what to do. Now I know what I want, and how nice it is to kiss him, and how much I want him.

5 March 1640

Kurloz managed to escape more of his father's attempts to marry him off today. He said the women, while fine enough, aren't half as lovely as me. He's said it before, but whenever he does I feel myself blushing terribly. He's so sweet! I love him so much.

He brought me a little gift today. He said he knows I don't like gifts, but he saw this book in the market and thought of me. It's a book about a doctor in a small town, and his adventures there. It seems like a good book, although I have a sense it might be one of those books where the men are characters and the women are there for the plot, but he's a man-he wouldn't understand that. And anyways, it was so kind of him to think of me. He knows I like medicine and I like romance-type novels, so it makes sense.

I think I'll like this book. After all, it was a gift!

9 March 1640

His father has been absolutely mad about trying to have Kurloz meet "the right girl". The problem is that his father doesn't understand that he's already found a girl, and so is trying very hard to figure out what it is Kurloz wants that these girls don't have. It's kind of funny! I almost feel bad for his father.

I told him to please tell his father we're engaged, so that this can be easier for him, but he isn't sure. I hope he will. I think it might make things easier on him, and it would get his father to leave him alone about this.

13 March 1640

My goodness! Today was…today was quite the day!

My sister was in the village today with Karkat and Equius and her other friends, and so Kurloz came over. He was all sweet like he is, and he brought these lovely flowers, and he fretted about the women his father has him meeting, and he mentioned…he mentioned how some of them want to sleep with him.

"Really? But you're not married."

"I'm not that old-fashioned," he said, rolling his eyes. "It's just that none of them are…are you. Or even half as pretty as you."

"Am I?" I asked. "Pretty, I mean."

"Yes," he said, sounding sad.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Kurloz, something's wrong," I said. "It's alright, you can tell me."

"Well, I'm not. I mean, I just feel sometimes, that you don't find me…handsome, or good-looking, or what have you."

"No, you're handsome and attractive!" I said. "It's just-marriage and all!"

He looked at me funny. "You-you know that's not what anyone does, don't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Most people, when they're engaged, they'll sleep together. They're married before the children are born, of course. I've seen it happen for lots of women."

I blinked. I didn't know that, but if I count back the months, the women in the village do that, too. I just never ask about it-it feels quite rude.

"Oh."

"We don't have to," he said, all in a rush. "I'm sorry."

"No, no," I said. "I didn't know. I-I suppose-my goodness, I never thought-"

"Meulin," he said. "It's just fine. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

"I don't know," I said.

"Your sister's out, right?" he said.

"Yes."

He nodded.

"Kurloz, I-my goodness-look, I don't know, you're very handsome and I do want you-" I was tripping on my words, just rambling all over the place.

"If you want me and I want you, why shouldn't we?" he said, his voice rough.

I kissed him, hard, and I wasn't sure but once we were in bed it was…it was wonderful. It hurt a little at first, but I think that's supposed to happen. It does in all the books, anyways. And it was so nice after that. Afterwards he cuddled with me for a long time, telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. I know I'll never love anyone like I love him, and I know no one else will ever love me like he does, but it's still nice to hear it.

I wish my mama was here. She'd understand.

17 March 1640

He was over again today, but we didn't go to my room again because Kitty was home. It felt so nice. I feel…I feel odd about it, since we aren't married, but it's really nice and it satisfies the wanting I've been feeling in my gut since we first kissed. Our wedding night won't be special how I thought it'd be, but it'll be special because we'll be married.

21 March 1640

I haven't seen Latula in a while. She must be awfully busy with everything, laundry and cooking and everything else she has to do. Being an adult means a lot of work I didn't have when I was young. I can only imagine it's like that for all of us.

I have Kitty and Kurloz, and that's all I need anyways. I don't need a million friends to be happy, and I don't need anyone else to tell me I have value. I can tell myself that.

25 March 1640

My sister and I had dinner today, and she told me she misses me. When I spend a lot of time with Kurloz, sometimes I don't spend as much time with her, and that's not what I want to do. I want to be close to my sister for my whole life. I love her, and we're sisters-we can be the closest of friends, because we've known each other our entire lives.

It's the time of year the most people have influenza. Everyone thinks it's winter, and winter is when more people get sick, but influenza specifically peaks in March and sometimes into April.

Well, I can manage that. I always have.

29 March 1640

Kurloz was over today, and he told me he finally did it! He told his father we were engaged. The only problem is that is father insisted on a June wedding, no later. Everything's mostly planned out, and so my darling told me perhaps I best start sewing my dress.

"It's so soon!" I said.

"I know," he said. "But we don't have much choice."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I know this is all because of me, and I know it's hard for you."

"It's alright," he said. "It has been hard, but it's going to be over soon. We'll be married."

"I'm a little sad we won't have a wedding night," I said idly.

"What, do you not want to sleep with me?" he asked.

"No, no, that's not what I meant," I said. "It's just that I always kind of wanted a romantic wedding night."

"We can still have a romantic wedding night," he said. "Just because it's not the first doesn't mean it isn't good."

"I know," I said. "Maybe we even can today! It's just something I wanted when I was younger."

"Alright," he said. "Well, we all have little dreams when we're children. I wanted to be a professor of math, did I ever tell you?"

I laughed. "I used to want to go to university. My mother had a hard time letting me down from that one, because she knew it would never happen. It was her fondest dream, too."

"University? Are there any women there?"

"No, but there should be," I said. "Anyways, I was a child. I didn't know any better. I just wish I spoke as many languages as my mother did!"

"She spoke lots of languages?"

"Oh, yes, eight or nine I think by the end of her life."

"Wow," he said, sounding impressed. "That's a lot for a woman."

"It's a lot for anyone," I said. "I really only speak English and French and Russian, and a little Italian."

"Oh," he said. "I only have English and French."

"That's more than a lot of people," I said. "And if you want more, it's never too late to learn! I'm still learning new things when I read, these days."

"You'll love our library," he said. "My father is there a lot, so…perhaps not as much, but it's still nice and full of books."

"I'm sure I will!" I said. It will be such fun to live in the castle! A big fancy bedroom and a library and a nice bathroom! We've always done our baths in the kitchen, because that's where the fire is for heating the water, so I've never taken a bath in a bathroom! I think that will be quite something. Kurloz is used to such things, so he doesn't quite understand why I'm so excited about it, but I am. Kitty certainly understands! I'll ask her to visit me and she can stay in the fancy guest quarters.

Our children will probably all have their own rooms, which they wouldn't in my house. It would a room for my husband and I, a room for Kitty (and possibly her husband), and a room for our children. This will be better for them, and what I want is a better life for my children. I think that's what everyone wants.


	10. Honey I Love You

2 April 1640

Kurloz was over today, and he asked if I'd made progress on my wedding dress. I told him I'd bought the fabric and picked a pattern, and he almost panicked. "You haven't started yet?"

"No," I said. "It won't take me more than a month to sew it, with embroidery and all. And I'm using the lace from my mother's wedding dress, so it'll take even less time."

"Why are you using her lace? That's a bit…rude, isn't it?"

"She told me she wanted us to have it," I said. "She didn't wear her wedding dress after her love died, and she told me once I could wear it to my wedding, or take some of the lace for something old."

"Are you following that superstition?" he asked. "It strikes me as a bit…I don't know. Irreverent?"

"I suppose," I said. "But 'something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue' is kind of sweet. Something old from my mother, something new for my dress, something borrowed from my sister, and something blue-my dress! My mother and my sister can be with my on my wedding day."

"Won't your sister be there?"

"Of course. I just-oh, I don't know. Maybe it doesn't make any sense."

"It's alright," he said. "We can all be irrational, and that's alright."

"Yes, I suppose," I said. "Well, anyways, I'll be starting my dress soon. I'll be wearing it a fair bit, probably, so I best make it well!"

"Why would you wear it more than once?"

"It's a nice dress," I said. "I can use it for any festival or occasion. My mother wore her wedding dress for years after she was married."

"We won't have to do that," he said. "We have money, and seamstresses, and…well, I'm sure you're a brilliant seamtress, but honestly there's probably higher standards for some of our palace functions."

I felt a little hurt, but he is right-they dress differently for palace functions. I'm making my own wedding dress, but it might be the last dress I make. I'm sure I'll have to wear all the latest court fashion for most functions. Well, I can wear my normal clothes around the "house", probably. I'm not sure anyone will stop me from doing that.

"I do like my clothes, though," I said. "They're decently comfortable, and they fit perfectly."

"Whatever the seamstresses make will fit you exactly," he said. "And they can make it out of the best fabrics, so it will surely be comfortable."

"Yes, that's true," I said.

"I don't want you to worry, is all," he said. "You have a lot on your mind. A creature as angelic as yourself shouldn't have to concern herself with such trivialities as cooking and sewing." His voice was soft and kind, and I could feel myself going red. "We can focus on our political duties and raising our children. And plenty of leisure time, I'm sure."

"Leisure time!" I said. "I've never thought of it like that."

"You deserve it," he said.

"Thank you," I said.

It was a good day. After eating, we…we slept together. It felt so amazing, and this time since we've practiced some, I knew just what to do (so did he!).

I just hope I'm not pregnant. I don't think I could be, since this really is only the third time. I'm pretty sure I would notice! Women in the village vomit and feel dizzy and crave odd foods and have headaches and breast aches. I would notice if that happened to me!

I don't mind. I just don't want to have a baby until we're married.

7 April 1640

I picked a pattern and a fabric for my dress today. I'm so excited! The design will work well with my mother's lace, and Kitty's going to lend me her nice necklace to match the blue. She's also going to help me with the embroidery, because heaven knows she's better at it than I am. The dress is going to be beautiful! I'm sure no girl will be as happy as I will be on my wedding day, and Kurloz will say no girl will ever be as lovely.

Just two months until I'm married! I'm so excited.

11 April 1640

Kitty asked me today about the wedding.

"When is it?"

"June. June fifth."

"That's so soon."

"I know," I said, feeling giddy.

"Do you really think I'll be alright on my own?" she asked, sounding a little nervous.

"Yes," I said. "I taught you to hunt, didn't I? And you said you don't want me to treat you like a child. So I'm not. You'll be fine."

"I think so," she said. "You'll visit, right?"

"Of course," I said. "I love you. I'll always love you."

"I love you too," she said with a little smile.

I do, and I always will.

14 April 1640

I'm making good progress on my dress, and I think it will be done in plenty of time. As soon as I'm done with the skirt I'm going to give it to Nepeta to embroider and I'll work on the top, which is harder to fit perfectly, and I do want it to fit perfectly. At least I'm not growing anymore! My breasts stopped growing when I was seventeen, and I'm glad of it. I didn't like forever having to fix my shirts so they fit my ever-growing body. Now if I sew a dress, it will stay with me for as long as I like, or until it wears out.

I wish I had more time for my friends. There's just so much to do! Kurloz is taking care of much of the actual wedding planning, because he knows what's expected of a wedding for a powerful duke's son, so for me it's the dress. Kurloz said he'll manage invites, and as we're to have a small wedding party (just my sister and his brother) there's not much work for that. Kitty's wearing a nice dress of hers, so no worries with that.

I'm also wearing my mother's old veil. I'm glad I don't have to make one of those! It's harder than you'd think.

So soon! I can hardly believe it.

17 April 1640

A woman in the village, Rebecca, has been having some trouble with her pregnancy. She's been awfully sick, vomiting constantly and not able to keep anything down. I'm worried about her. I've been treating her with ginger and lemon and peppermint (it's a delicious tea), but she's hardly able to keep down water. I've been having her drink water constantly to keep from dying of thirst, and telling her where to put pressure on her wrist to help, but I'm not sure it'll be enough.

I'm worried about her. I hope she makes it, but…she might not.

21 April 1640

I'm doing everything I can for Rebecca, trying to keep her comfortable, and luckily her husband is helping me. I give him tea for her to take three times a day, and orders to boil water for her, and have her drink it as much as she can. I also left behind broth for her, so she can have at least something to eat.

Kurloz has been by, so I've been telling him of my progress on my dress. But he won't see it until our wedding day, of course! I'm excited for it. We're going to be married! We're going to have babies together, and it's going to be wonderful. I can't wait!

25 April 1640

Kitty's quite excited to be in the wedding. We've never gone something like this before! The most formal thing we do are festivals in the village-never a wedding like this! It's going to be such a grand affair. Honestly, I'm very excited for the supper! It's going to be delicious. I've probably never had food like that before. I've always made my own food, so we mostly just eat normal food-commoner food. I've never had this fancy food before! I'm very excited!

Kurloz said he would surprise me with the menu, but he said he's sure I'll like it. He said the wedding cake will be stunning. I'm sure it will be. I'm quite thrilled! I always thought I'd plan my own wedding, but it's really quite fun letting him do the planning and trusting I'll enjoy it. I'm sure I will. He's always been right before when he's planned things for me, and I've always enjoyed it. My wedding, I'm sure, will be much the same.

28 April 1640

I can't believe I'm going to be married so soon! I just keep remembering it and feeling excited. I'm going to be married in just a little more than a month! I'm going to be a married woman, with children and my goodness-I'm going to be a duchess! I was going to be a lady, and then I was going to be a common woman all my life (which I was quite alright with), and now I'm going to be one of the most powerful duchesses in the kingdom!

It's all quite the adventure. I'm going to have the power my mother always wanted to use for good, and I'm going to use it to help people.

I'm actually quite excited to start my work as a duchess. I'm going to use the money I have to help people, train more people in medical work and set up programs for widows and orphans and anyone who needs help, really. I hope I can help open up university to more people, and-if I can-have government work to be more fair to the common people. People should have a voice in their government, and someone as wealthy as my darling should not pay the same taxes as someone poor as Damara's family.

There's much to do, but I'm excited to start.

1 May 1640

Rebecca's doing a bit better, but she isn't really feeling well. I have her on bedrest with just enough exercise to keep her from losing all strength, so she won't be weak or feeling weak when the time comes to give birth.

Luckily, she's been keeping down a bit more than just broth. I managed to feed her some proper soup, with some vegetables and meat. I've also been coaxing some nice sweet foods into her, with honey and even a little sugar. It's to get as much energy into her as possible, so she can keep up her bodyweight.

Since my mama took me in, I've had slightly more weight than I need, but not quite as much as I want. I've never had all I could want to eat, though, so I suppose I understand that. I have my mama's shape of body. (As well as her eyes and her hair and her face and much of her personality.)

Well, I'll sure I'll put on weight once I'm eating the best foods and have enough all the time. Kurloz says I'm lovely no matter what, but it would be nice to have a nicer body. And some weight will be good when it comes to being pregnant and giving birth.

I am rambling like mad! I'm just so excited and nervous and worked up all at once, and there's so much! I'm starting a whole new life in just a month, and while I've already done that once, my mama was there to help me. Now I'm doing it as an adult, of my own right. But then, my love will be there for me, and if he's with me, surely I can do just about anything!

6 May 1640

My dress is coming along swimmingly! It's going to be so lovely, and it's going to fit in a very flattering way. I modified the top to make my chest look better, a bit fuller and nicer overall. Kurloz says, when we are alone, that he very much likes my chest and I might show it off more. Well, for our wedding day, I will! I think the cut of skirt will flatter my hips, too, if I did it right, which I think I did.

Kitty's doing my embroidery, and she's doing a pattern of lovely morning glories and forget-me-nots, with little vines and leaves connecting them. She won't let me see until it's done, but she drew me a little sketch of what it'll be when it's done. It's going to be truly gorgeous!

Oh, I cannot wait to walk down the aisle. I'm sure I'll be shaking like mad, but it will be lovely!

10 May 1640

It's so soon! I can hardly believe it. I can't even sit still.

I've thought of myself for my most important years as a commoner. It's odd-people say it's birth, being a noble or royal, and by birth that's who I am. But I left that life and by upbringing, I'm a commoner. As far as anyone would ever know, I am common. I don't believe that my blood will come through me, because I don't think my blood means much, but I am terribly nervous of this and I just hope that whatever I learned as a child, what little of my first future I absorbed before I left, will help me.

Kurloz hasn't been over as often lately, and when he does come it's for a short time he seems so exhausted. I'm worried, but it's probably very stressful up in that castle. I keep offering my help with wedding planning, but he says he needs to do this, because I don't know the castle and its traditions as well, which is true. He said just to focus on my dress.

It's so soon!

13 May 1640

My sister is apparently feeling a similar mix of excitement and apprehension as the big day approaches, because she's been worrying at me over dinner about looking nice for the whole assembly and being on her own, even though I promised to visit as often as I could and write often.

I'm sure she'll be fine. She's a good hunter, and she's smart, and if she needs help she can always just write me. I've dealt with all matter of strange adult nonsense, money and men in the market and the rude apothecary's assistant who's forever trying to cheat me out of another pence. I'm sure I can help her.

17 May 1640

My dress is almost done! I've had a lot of time to work on the dress at home.

I hope I can make friends in the castle. I won't be able to come to the village as often, so I won't be as close to my old friends here. I want to have friends, of course, because I can't just have one relationship in my life! I'm sure there will be other women in the castle to be friends with. I'm told there's ladies-in-waiting for a duchess, but I want to be friends with them on my own terms, not just because that's their job. I will do my very, very best to be kind and genuine with everyone, as well as friendly, and hopefully that will win me a good friend or two.

I'm so thrilled I can hardly sleep. I just feel restless and silly, waiting on my wedding day.

22 May 1640

Just a little less than two weeks until I'm married! I haven't slept with my darling in a while, and I'm alright with that. It will make our wedding night special, like I always wanted. I was thinking idly of doing something romantic for him, but we'll be in his room, so I can't get candles or rose petals or anything. Best I can do is wear my nicest petticoat and that corset that pushes my breasts up.

Well, it will be fun! As it always is. And once we're married, we will more often, so we can have a baby together. Oh, a baby! I hope there's a midwife in the castle, because I do not trust my future children to some man who's a physician. I want a midwife to help me give birth.

My darling will understand. I'm the one giving birth! I'm the one risking my life to bring our little one into the world, and the one enduring nine months of pregnancy for my baby. I will be the one to make choices on such matters, of course.

Though he is very intelligent and well-educated, and he has claim to a formal education I don't. We'll talk things over, and come to decisions together, but when it comes down to the wire I think my vote must count for more.

25 May 1640

I really haven't been sleeping. I've been making myself the tea we have to sleep, and also the tea for nerves, and it has been helping. It's not nightmares-I'm just so excited I can hardly fall asleep! Button has been cross with me, of course, because I haven't been going to bed when she believes I should. She's always been a proponent of bedtime, since I was little. I do love my cat, too, and I think I will miss her. But she must stay with Kitty, both to mouse the house and to keep Kitty company.

I'll see her when I come back to visit, and I'm sure I will be as glad to see her as she will be to see me.

29 May 1640

It's in a week! I am bouncing off the walls. I finished my dress today, and I tried it on, and it looks lovely. Kitty smiled and told me I looked absolutely gorgeous, and I'd surely make Kurloz speechless. I hope so! I can't wait to see his face when I walk down the aisle. I hope he thinks I look beautiful!

I'm not at all sleeping well. I'm too excited!

2 June 1640

I feel as if I might shake myself to pieces. It's in three days and I think I might collapse before I get the chance to walk down the aisle! Kitty's been helping me out, because I can hardly think and Kurloz hasn't been by, and I just want to be married and get this over with! I can't wait to start my new life, to begin to write a new chapter in this story I'm living.

I'm going absolutely out of my mind! I can't wait.

5 June 1640

Today we were married! Oh my goodness, it was such a day. I planned to walk to the castle, but Kurloz sent a carriage Kitty and me! I've never ridden in one before. It was such fun! Once we were at the castle, a lady-in-waiting showed us the rooms to change, and said she would be in the back of the chapel to tell me when to walk. And my bouquet was lovely! It smelled delicious.

I waited in the back, and my sister went down first, and then I followed, and I was trembling like mad. Kurloz gasped when he saw me and smiled, and his cheeks went a little pink. But then I suddenly felt very aware that everyone else was dressed up fancier than me, everyone had the newest court fashion and I was wearing the peak of common style. I could feel them staring-especially his father. (Although that may be because I look just like my mother, and he was part of killing her rebellion.)

But once I was up with my darling and priest, all that melted away. I told him that I promised him all of my love for the rest of my life, and that I would always be there for him, and that I loved him. And he told me the same things, in different words. I was crying and trembling when I slipped his ring on his finger, and he had to hold my hand steady when he put on my ring because I was so shaky.

And the reception! What an affair! There was a huge sit-down dinner, with the fancy dishes and the richest food I've ever had, and a million people swarming us with questions and well-wishes and such. I felt almost overwhelmed, but my darling was sitting with me, so I was alright. My sister found the whole dinner thoroughly enjoyable, and said it was delicious.

Then there was some dancing, but the formal dances of the palace. I danced with Kurloz, really, because I didn't know anyone else but my sister, and he was smiling so big, it was adorable. I'm so happy! The music was lovely and the people were beautiful, in lovely dresses and suits, and it was just amazing.

I'm in my new room now, with my one parcel. I only packed a few things, because he said seamstresses could make all my clothes, so I only brought what I couldn't replace-a few of my favorite books, a few trinkets, my old toy cat, gifts from my darling. My mother's books are at home with Kitty if I need them. My new bed is large and soft as a cloud, more comfortable than anything I've ever slept on. I'm not sure I'll be able to focus on sleeping with him when the bed is so comfortable!

Kurloz thinks it's silly, but he couldn't understand why I love the bed so much. And, in addition, the stone walls make the whole place a bit chilly, so I can sleep with lots of lots of blankets, which I love. And maybe we can cuddle a little, which we normally don't, but I would like to. It's just that we've never had a night together! I know it's a bit silly, but I think it would make me feel very loved.

I best put this journal away, because my darling just called for me from the other room. We have rooms, plural! A bedroom each-nobility don't share a bed with their spouse, apparently-a study, a dressing room, and a bathroom. I'm in the study right now, sitting at the smaller desk. (The other desk is my darling's, because he has a million papers on his desk he's forever reading over and studying.)

Well, time to go enjoy my wedding night! I'll write again tomorrow.

7 June 1640

We had a bit of an argument today, because he told me I was underdressed for our wedding.

"My dear, I don't know these styles. I wish you'd told me what you wanted me to wear; I just sewed a dress I liked. I couldn't have known."

"You must know that we dress differently here," he said.

"I do," I said. "But I didn't know how, or what I could do to fit in. My darling, I am sorry to have embarrassed you. I didn't know. Next time if you tell me, I can fix it."

He rolled his eyes. "These things aren't hard to find out."

"They are if you're common!"

"You haven't been common your whole life," he said. "Surely you saw these styles when you were a child."

"I did, but I don't remember much. I was so hungry! I can't remember much of anything from then! You can't expect me to sew a dress I saw when I was eleven with no pattern!"

"Hey, hey, calm down," he said, placating. "You don't need to shout."

"I'm not shouting!" I said. "I-okay, I'm sorry. I just don't know how I could possibly have known what to wear, since you didn't tell me, and I had no way of knowing otherwise."

"I thought I wouldn't have to explain how to dress to you," he said. "Sorry." His tone was awfully sarcastic, even biting, but I thought it best not to argue. He probably feels embarrassed, and that can really throw someone for a loop. It's just a mood, and it will pass. I'm sure once the stress from the wedding wears off, we'll be back to normal.

11 June 1640

We've been sleeping together every night, and it's fantastic. It feels lovely and I've been sleeping very well, because I'm always properly exhausted! Soon I'm sure I'll be pregnant. I'm so excited! And my darling is too. He keeps saying how excited he is to have our son. I'm sure he'd be happy to have a daughter, but he does want a son. I want a daughter, so what can I say? It's politics.

In a few days the honeymoon time ends and I start with my political duties. I'm a bit nervous! I've never done something like this before. My darling says he'll help me every step of the way, and a lot of what I do is about visibility. He also said I'll have free time, to study or do what I please. I hope to study medicine and law, to better help the women and children it's my job to help. I don't completely trust some books on medicine, having been written by men, but I can use my judgement.

When I have time, I can also go into the village and keep doing the work I do. Rebecca's doing much better, but she hasn't had her baby yet, and I need to help her deliver.

15 June 1640

I went to court for the first time today. After many days of standing very still while a seamstress fitted me a new dress (it's purple, and the color isn't my favorite but she didn't have time to get new fabric in a color I like), today I saw the court and they saw me, more importantly. My darling has been doing this for ages, and so seemed quite bored, but I found it fascinating! There's so much ceremony and formality to the whole thing-who speaks and when, and what they say, and how they talk. They largely addressed the duke himself, who I still haven't much spoken to, and something his wife, and rarely my darling. His brother was conspicuously absent, but no one commented. No one commented on my presence, either, except that many of them were staring at me. I didn't mind much, really. It's probably just because I'm new, or because of the dress the seamstress, Verity, made me. It is gorgeous. I've never seen something so beautiful.

And today I met my ladies-in-waiting! It was very formal when we were introduced, but once the men were gone, I told them to please just call me by my first name. There's four of them-Katherine, Ellen, Grace, and Magdelena. They all have titles, but I don't remember them, and in private they told me they don't mind first names. I don't know if they're just saying that, though.

Before I forget, and so I remember their names and all: Katherine is tall and then with very dark hair and eyes-they're almost black. She's quiet, and introduced herself as an excellent seamstress, charged with maintaining the dresses Verity makes. Ellen is shorter, and rather plump and blonde, with light brown eyes, and a very rosy blush to her cheeks. She said she's talented in the fine arts and in sports, so she would love to paint or ride horses with me, because we have horses, naturally. Grace is a little taller than me, with very long, dark hair, and dark skin, and big dimples when she smiles. She said she's skilled in language and writing, so she could help me with correspondence and writing. I hope I can write to my friends! And Magdelena is short, with red hair and green eyes and freckles, and a wide smile. She said she could be helpful with keeping up with the politics, people and activities and such. I'll need her help!

Apparently I'll see them and be with them just about every day. I'm alright with that! They all seem like nice people, although Katherine was a bit snobbish about me being common (none of them know about my birth parents, of course). If I'm friendly and kind and treat them with respect, it'll go well, and we'll surely be friends.

19 June 1640

Kurloz and I haven't been able to be alone together so often, but every night we go to bed together and most often after we sleep together we talk some, about our days and our work and how we feel about it all. I admitted to him that I'm worried I won't measure up, and he told me he was sure I would. He told me he worries a lot about being the duke, rather than just the duke's eldest son, and it's going to happen soon enough.

Also, apparently I'm "borrowing" Katherine and Ellen and Grace and Magdelena from the duchess herself, because she feels I might be unprepared otherwise. I can't tell if that's an insult or a kindness. I'd have to talk to her in person to be sure.

On that note, in a few days comes the first dinner with just Kurloz and his family. So it'll be the duke, the duchess, Kurloz and me, and Kurloz's brother Gamzee (an odd fellow to say the least). I'm a little nervous, but I think it'll turn out alright.

And I got a letter today, from Kitty. She asked how I am, how married life is, how life in the castle is, and when I can come visit. I'll write her back tonight. I'm not sure when I'll be able to visit, because I'm so busy, but I can certainly write.

22 June 1640

The dinner was today, and it went decently well, I think. The food was good, of course, and I had a conversation with Kurloz's father's wife, who seemed kind. I think she sent me the ladies out of kindness rather than condescension. She also seemed quite bright, despite what Kurloz seems to think of her. Unless she's just very good at appearing intelligent and isn't, really, and I'll find out later that she's dim.

His brother was a bit out of it for the whole meal. He just stared off into space and occasionally commented on something someone said, or just on nothing at all. His father seemed annoyed.

Incidentally. If his father recognizes me because of how much I look like my mother, he's made no indication. He doesn't seem to have any trouble with the fact that I'm a commoner, though, so perhaps he does recognize me and holds some odd affection for my mother. I hope not. I find that almost unbearably strange, that he'd claim they were ever even friends. My mother never talked much about the duke, or the queen, or anyone in power, really, but when she did I could tell she hated him.

Kurloz later complained about his father's wife, and I'm beginning to suspect he doesn't like her because his mother passed. I imagine many people don't get along so well with their stepmothers, and he's no exception. He is only human, after all!

26 June 1640

Things have been mad around here, but I finally had the chance to go see Kitty, instead of just writing her every day. I told my ladies and then walked to my old house to see my sister methodically chopping vegetables for a stew.

"Kitty!" I said, and I ran to her.

"Meulin!" she said, her face breaking into a huge grin. "I'm so happy you're here!"

"Me too!" I said, taking her hands. "How have you been? Alright?"

"Yes, I've been alright," she said. "I've missed you!"

"I've missed you too," I said. "Oh, Nepeta, the castle is absolutely mad! I've been running around everywhere, trying to do a million things at once. And the dresses! I have never worn a skirt so incredibly difficult to sit in, or a bodice half so tight!"

"That's mad," she said. "How do you manage?"

"My darling helps me," I said. "And I have ladies-in-waiting, which is quite the adventure."

"Are they your friends?"

"Sort of," I said. "They will be, but we can't just be friends right now. You know how it is."

"Well, are they nice, at least?"

"Yes," I said. "For the most part. I'm too common for Katherine, apparently! You should've seen the look on her face when I told her my mother was the midwife. They think midwives are witches, don't you know?"

"That's because you are a witch," she said with a soft smile. I was a witch sometimes in our pretend games, and then when I started doing the work I do we joked about it.

"Oh, silly," I said. "How are things? How are your friends?"

"Equius is good," she said. "He's going to go to university and study building! He said I can come visit him. I'm excited to see it! It's going to be the most amazing thing ever. Um, Terezi has been saving up her money, and she says she wants to do like her aunt did and go to school to be a lawyer. Tavros is working on a cow farm now. He loves it, because he gets to work with animals instead of people. Kanaya's aunt is doing alright, and she still comes to read sometimes. I've been doing some of your work, like sewing up cuts and things. So I can help you out when you're not here."

"That's good to hear," I said. "It is good to know the village won't fall apart without me."

"And how is your married life?" she asked, teasing a bit.

"Oh, very good," I said. "Very good. I mean, we, um…we're together every night."

"In bed?" she asked cheekily.

I went quite pink and said, "Yes. It's nice! Nothing to be ashamed of."

"I'm teasing you," she said.

"I know," I said. "Oh, I can't stay too long. I have to go to the village to do my work, and Rebecca needs to be ready to give birth…And I best tell Kanaya she ought to start taking over for me. If she still wants to, of course."

"Taking over? But Meulin, you actually like being the midwife."

"I love it, but I just don't have enough time to do all the work I need to. It'll be good to have someone else to help me."

She nodded. "I will not, anyways."

"We always knew that!" I teased. It's true-Kitty never wanted to do my mother's work. It's twofold, apparently-she hates to see people sick and suffering, whether she can help them or not; and she finds the pus and vomit nonsense disgusting. (I do too, honestly, but I find it less revolting and it doesn't make me shiver all over and want to vomit myself. Blood, though, bothers me more than her.)

Speaking of, I went to see Rebecca, and started helping her with her breathing and exercises so she can be ready to give birth. I also told her about pushing and everything, and I told her I will know and tell her when to push. I'm in the castle these days, so I told her to send a messenger to the castle and ask for me using the word "olive", because it's unusual enough that I can tell guards and such to watch for it in messages, and send all such messages to me immediately.

And then I went to see Kanaya, and I told her how I want to start training her. I will teach her everything I know, as well as how to read and write, and she can help me out-perhaps as a partner, even. And when we two have children (if she has children-Nepeta reports she's been seeing Rose, and those two can't conceive together, I don't think), we'll pass it all on to them.

I returned home a bit late, but in plenty of time to dress and go to supper. Kurloz shot me an odd look, but I was on time, so I'm not sure what it was about. Anyways, eating with his family can be awfully worrisome. His brother is off in his own world, and his father is a huge man with a loud voice and firm opinions-so a bit frightening and sometimes stressful to be around. His father's wife is a nice enough woman, but she doesn't speak much. At least I have my darling to talk to.

27 June 1640

Kurloz and I had an argument today.

"Where were you yesterday?"

"There was no court or chapel, so I went to see my sister and some of my patients in the village. I told you the day before, remember?"

"You never told me," he said.

"I'm sure I did," I said, but I wasn't quite sure. I thought I told him, but maybe I didn't?

"You definitely didn't," he said. "I need to know where you are, darling. I was worried!"

"I'll tell you next time, for sure," I promised. "I'll remember."

"Please do," he said. "Or you'll worry me."

"I will," I said. "I'm sorry, darling. I didn't mean to worry you."

He nodded and leaned back in his chair (we were in the study), and said, "I might read a bit before bed."

"I think I will too."

"That sounds nice," he said. "I'll read in the bedroom. Shall I call you to bed?"

"Sure," I said. Since I don't have to wake up at any particular time (I can hardly believe it!), he tends to decide when we go to sleep. I don't mind. Even if I'm not tired after we're done, which is rare, I can just read by candlelight once he's asleep, since we have as many candles as we want here.

I've mentioned it once or twice, but Kurloz doesn't like to cuddle, really. I told him not the whole night, because I do have my own bed, but right after we're done in bed I'd just like a little closeness. But he said he's always too hot and he doesn't like it. Goodness knows hugging him can be like hugging a lit fire, so I can hardly begrudge him that.

Oh well. I know he loves me. I can't demand anything of him-it's his body, and if he doesn't want to use it to cuddle with me, so be it.

30 June 1640

My darling was so kind today! He woke me up with flowers and gave me the biggest kiss, and said he had a surprise for me. It turns out he made me the most delicious pudding for after dinner, and then he and I danced all around our room, and in bed he was so soft and sweet. It felt amazing, and it was just so nice.

I should do something for him! Now that I have the money, and the shock has worn off, I should do something wonderful and kind for him. I'm not sure what, yet, but something!


End file.
